The Flight of the Rocketman

The best things in life aren't things. -- As texted to me by my Dad

I was at a gas station smoking outside the convenience store. It was past 12 midnight. I was sitting there and waiting for a friend to pass by. It was a Sunday night (or Monday morning, depends on the type of person you are).

The cars would drive so fast up and down Shaw Boulevard, the noise was deafening and then it was silent the next moment. It was like a pulse, a beat -- deafening roar and then silence, deafening roar then silence.

And then, for one moment, no cars passed. The convenience store was closed (not very convenient, eh?) and so there was no hiss of the neon sign. There were 2 attendants but they kept quiet, I think one was asleep with his eyes open.

For that one moment, the whole world was quiet. No moon, no stars in the sky but for some strange reason, there were no clouds either. It was just some sort of peace that pervaded for what seemed like a minute. It was so quiet, it was unnerving yet... I don't know. It was peaceful.

Then another car came rushing through Shaw Boulevard and it was back to normal. Back to reality.

Sometimes I wonder, if those beautiful moments of silence remained much longer than 5 minutes, a hole would open up beneath me and swallow me whole into some sort of oblivion.

I've been through beautiful moments of silence before. Waking up at 6 in the morning in La Union; I walked towards the beach to watch the waves. The sun was hanging limply in the air and the clouds made some sort of tapestry on the horizon, never really climbing to the height of the sky. Dogs wrestled in the sand. People sitting cross-legged, watching the waves in silence. The only sound was the waves and its rhythmic crashing upon the shore became so consistent, it almost wasn't sound. It was like movement within the body. It was so peaceful. It lasted for almost 40 minutes.

And I'm still here. But then again, I didn't want to leave and that's unusual for me because I need something to be happening. I need little reminders that I'm alive. And yet, that moment is so clear to me.

Does anyone know these feelings? These candid moments of peace?

Everything in moderation, including moderation. -- As texted to me by my Dad

Moderation? I used to know the meaning of the word but apparently, I don't. Yesterday (or was that early this morning?) I was writing a journal entry and they told me they were going to shut down the internet connection for a while, hence the abrupt ending in the previous entry.

But at the time, I don't know what possessed me to write a journal entry when I was so tired. I was so tired, I went home at 1 in the morning (that's early for me) and found myself asleep before 2. Guess what time I woke up? I woke up today at 1pm. And when I woke up, I was still tired.

The work I've been doing is unbelievable. Work, work, work... It's really, really difficult. We are so over-worked. Thank god I really love the show or else I would've just quit in a screaming fit. But I love the show and I love all the people working on it. It's a great thing to be a part of. Totally worth it.

Right now, I've sort of regained some of my strength but I also will be needing it because we are going to go on overdrive very soon. I can feel it. It's going to be tough.

I will survive. I will survive.

That which God whispered to the rose and caused it to laugh in full blown beauty, He whispered to my heart and made it a hundred times more beautiful. -- Rumi

I am half the man I felt like I was when I woke up today. I am just so drained, tired, exhausted, spent. Spent the whole day directing my first reality, game show and we did it when everything was falling apart around us. It was truly a learning experience and it definitely made me learn so much. I was amazed by my own ability to improvise and to plan ahead.

Of course, there was so much that needed to be worked on. There is so much to learn during the post mortem. But what is important is that we did it. We pulled it off with so little time and planning because we were just so swamped with so much work.

Yesterday, I went to Power Up to wall-climb and met some people because I had to go alone. I was introduced to some climbers and they were very, very nice. They took care of me and tried to teach me some techniques and they were very accommodating.

I find climbers, by nature, a friendly bunch. They are so great. I enjoyed being with them.

I am so tired.

I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love! To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own. I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I can't put my finger on it. It's like ice. Cold to the touch. After awhile, your skin slides off the surface. It is slippery. It is something I cannot seem to grasp. What is this hunger? What is it that I'm looking for?

I've got this hunger and need to start on my God damned film. I want to direct something but more than that, I'd settle for writing tons and tons of scripts. Don't want to get my computer from my Mom's house if I'm moving in a week's time. But I ain't moving in a week's time because we have yet to find a destination. No house, no move, no movement.

I can feel it gnawing at me. It's right under the skin so it can't be scratched. I find myself clenching my teeth. I haven't done that in such a long time. Not since...

There is some semblance of peace during sleep except when I wake up remembering my dreams. At least when I climb walls, I have no other thought in my head than which rock to grab, where to put my feet, how much strength do I have left and the like. Is that the real attraction for me? The forgetting of this aching feeling, this need that seems to cause me to tremble in fear?

I keep it hidden well, I think. No one can see it except for the random variables that come and go in my life. They know what is going on. There is no reason for them to just come and go if there was some sort of stability in my life. The hunger wouldn't be so immediate and so cold.

I feel I'm turning into ice. Things are starting to appear hazy and vague. Has the ice formed right at my face? It has been colder at nights. I wear an extra layer of clothing and still I shiver. This used to happen in February, not January. Yet it began early.

This is the early frost. I feel it forcing me to face the cold. I've never liked the cold.

I never liked the cold.

Im taking chances,
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I wonder slide slide, under the big sky,
whos gonna' take care of me.
-- Taking Chances, Abra Moore

Quick blog. I don't think there's ever been a lower point in my life than 20 minutes ago when I was scouring over other people's desks in the office looking for a lighter. Jesus! There's nothing more pathetic than a smoker looking for a way to get his fix...

Ugh! This is so hopeless. I just want to stick my thumb in a 220 voltage socket and feel the electricity go through me and hopefully change the current that runs through my bloodstream. My synapses are way delayed and I'm receiving information at a much slower rate before and I pride myself for being quick on my feet.

I don't need a break. It is the last thing I need. The harder it will be to return to my groove. The vinyl is turning on the turn table and the needle is right on the surface. I still don't hear anything. I need to raise the volume.

I need to raise the volume.

I really, really need to raise the volume. Because I feel like I'm drowning in all the background noise and I've forgotten how to swim.

I don't need another cigarette. The aggravation of having to go outside and ask for a light from the guards is just too much. I can't stand the way they look at me. They make me feel like a junkie.

This is the last time I'm bringing one lighter to where ever I'm going. And the last time I'm lending out a lighter to a fellow cig-junkie.

There's no point in being self-indulgent when you can't enjoy the little things that are bad for you.

Cause I'm a rocket on fire
Look at me go, with my tail on fire
With my tail on fire, on fire
Look at me go, look at me
-- Rocket's Tail (Song for Rocket), written and performed by Kate Bush

Been in the office the whole day... the whole fucking day. Have a lot of work to do and to finish because i've got some personal stuff I want to do tomorrow. That's what I like about my sched. It doesn't matter what time I come in, as long as I get things done and that I finish a certain number of hours a week. So I can off set my days where I don't show up by coming in on weekends.

Pretty fair deal. I don't really mind. I really do more than I should be doing anyway. And I know my parents might scoff to hear that but I can't help it. This show is a team effort and we are under-manned and we all do what we can, what we have to. So I don't mind.

Truth is, there are so many others who do more than I do. And they are better at it too. I've always been a slow starter but once I get my groove, I'm there. Unfortunately, I lost it during the holidays. I know! I know! No excuse. But there's something wrong... I can't put my finger on it. And I'm afraid that if I did get to put my finger on it, it would freeze the nerves cold.

Something's off. I'm enjoying dreaming again. For some strange reason I'm lacking a certain sense of drive. I've never lacked it before... Hmmm... Wait. I think I have in the past. No, this is not some isolated incident. This happened before.

I hate these moments. When you can feel something is off. I'm hungry now, literally but I feel that this is also figurative in nature. The problem is that there is something I want.

I think it's change. But I don't know what to change. Well, it's either that, or I secretly do know what I need to change and I'm just overwhelmed by how much it will put me at a discomfort. I'm not that comfortable in places where I'm not... when I'm not in familiar territory.

I feel like I'm contradicting some previous post where I must've said that being in unfamiliar territory is fun. Maybe it's because I'm not in unfamiliar territory that it's making me panic right now?

Argh! All these God damned questions... Been in the office too long. Going wall-climbing tomorrow to feel the elevation... Gotta get off the ground. Gotta feel the fear, the strain, the push and the pull.

Gotta set my self on fire. Gotta burn. Gotta fly. Gotta be a rocketman burning out my fuse... out here alone...

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like. -- Garden State, written and directed by Zach Braff

I am just realising that what I really, really love about writing is the act of it, just as much as I love the connection I make with people who read my work. That's why I like blogging so much. I love this whole thing of putting ideas into words. And the thing about it is that I'm not even that particular of my technique or whatever. I just put whatever is in my head straight down into paper (or the monitor, depending on the medium) and I enjoy that process. I love the process of just writing down things and seeing the words appear and there. They are there.

And I guess that is why I blog so much.

The writing process helps me deal with things. I'm the kind of person who has to talk about a problem to get through it. If I keep it inside and just think, I can't solve it. I dwell and nothing new comes out. But when I write or when I talk to someone about it, all of a sudden, the strangest ideas come out of my mouth and I realise things I didn't know before. And I would never have thought of those things if I didn't say it or write it down.

And so, yeah, I love blogging because it helps me deal with things. And seeing that I've been writing here almost everyday since September, 2003, I guess there is just so much I feel I have to deal with.

And well, yeah, I'm an extremely self-indulgent person. And boy, do I love the attention so all of a sudden this whole blogging thing feels like it was made for me. And that's why I enjoy it so much.

I just can't stand it when I'm so far away from a computer and something happens that I want to write about it but forget exactly what I wanted to say at the time that I saw it. I feel like it is such a waste.

Imperative: Watch Garden State. A very, very beautiful movie. Oh my God! I will not gush about it because I don't want to ruin anything for anyone but please, please watch it. What a beautiful movie!

"We set out to change the world... ended up changing ourselves."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. If you don't look at the world."
-- The Velvet Goldmine, written and directed by Todd Haynes

I just love connection. The idea of meeting someone and talking for hours on end and understanding where you both are coming from. With me, you can tell if I like you if I'm sharing rather personal stories on the get-go. They say I'm a pretty easy person to warm up to but I can be very cautious. I can still be chatty without revealing anything about myself. I have a way of making someone feel like they are the only person in the world at that moment. It's something I learned from being the youngest in a family of very strong characters. You tend to know how to respect another person's ego.

And I met an amazing person the other day. I felt we hit it off right at the bat. Well, Cat is an amazing person. Articulate, great sense of humour, intelligent. Definitely a modern everday god and I have a great load of affection for them.

I added her blog on my list. Couldn't tell the title of her blog so I just wrote it down as "Cat's Blog."

There is something about blogging, really. It's such a powerful thing. The idea of getting your opinions out there and opinions have jumped across borders and even the most simple of people now have a place to be heard. And there are tons of blogs out there and I've barely scratched the surface of it all.

I've begun reading other people's blogs and, of course, have found mine to be overly self-indulgent. But then again, I have always been a self-indulgent person. I mean, it amazes me to think I've been blogging almost regularly, almost everyday since I started in September of 2003. Almost a whole year and a half! There are even days when I've entered 2 entries in one day.

It just overwhelms me the amount of things any one person has to say. It really amazes me how this world has gotten smaller and smaller because of friendster and now the blogs. There are people out there who I know only by blogs. What a concept!

I watch all these period movies and read these books set in 1898 and the whole concept must be strange and alien to them; to these people/characters.

Knowing someone so well and not having ever met them.

This is really a whole new world. More later on...

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can get yourself back. -- Mick Jagger

Wanted to go wall-climbing yesterday since the opportunity opened itself up for me but decided against pushing my body to the limits. Apparently, I am human. I am a modern everyday god trapped in human form and unfortunately, the human body has its limits.

How annoying.

Saw a beautiful movie yesterday. It was a Korean film called The Way Home and found it to be beautiful and touching. If you can, watch it. Definitely worth your time; if you like these slow, beautifully shot movies with a lot of heart (and very good acting!).

Looking for new venues for my writing. Youngstar magazine has closed down and I seem to have lost my avenue for writing in print. I thought about writing for Press again. I think it will be good for me, financially and the fact that I want to go back to writing about music. I also watched The Velvet Goldmine and realised how much I really adore rock music, the glam-rock period. The movie had a soundtrack that boasts songs written by Marc Bolan, Lou Reed, Nathan Larson and the like. Wow! Talk about powerhouse writing crew, huh? And then I think about David Bowie and think to myself, yeah, music is not merely an emotional medium but it is also deeply intellectual when done properly.

Sometimes I keep forgetting to try and understand what the lyrics of the song are referring to and just absorb the melody and the rhythm and the song. I sing along, sometimes, not realising that a song can be opposite of what I thought it was about. There are certain songs that are perky and bouncy but have deeply sad meaning behind it. Do not always be fooled by such things. There are a lot more deeper forces at work here.

Thinking about ways of edging up my life. Living a little more at the edge and a little more care-free. I don't want to use the word reckless but it doesn't seem like such a bad word. When the only standards you have to reach are your own, it's almost impossible to disappoint if you learn to be flexible. The only guideline is to never hurt anybody on the way; or at the very least, not to make it your intention.

So how does one become edgy and not fake it while doing it? Because the difference between a star and any Tom, Dick or Harry on the street is substance. It's not the form because everyone can act like a star but it won't make them one (there are always exceptions to the rules, of course). There is an attitude and a level of confidence that must be reached before one becomes a star.

I'm not wanting to become a star but, for sure, what's worse than some ordinary person pretending to be a star is someone trying hard to be edgy. Because edginess without success is plain pathetic.

Did I just make up a new word? Is there such a thing as edginess?

Maybe I should say, "Sharpness without the ability to cut is totally devoid of a point."

Was that a pun? Ha Ha Ha

I'm a child running
With open scissors.
My eyes are bandaged.
-- Love Poem, Charles Simic

Since I've finished with the novel, I've decided to start reading poetry again. I think I've lost whatever poetic language I've accummulated over the years in college and a little bit after. My world has been filled with regular speech; the better to re-create actual dialogue for writing scripts for television and movies. And I don't see myself writing songs ala Tori Amos or Bjork where the language remains in the level of poetry. When you begin, I suppose, it is always easier to write songs like Shania Twain where the lyrics are more conversational; easier to digest, to understand. I think I'll attempt to enter the realm of the lyrical later on when I've somehow become more comfortable with the creation of melodies.

But I miss writing poetry. I miss creating analogies and thinking in the figurative. I miss that whole range of thought where everything is one. I can still recognize symbols and decipher them in film and books; it's a part of my training that I never let go of but I miss being able to put it into words. So I'm off entering the world of the lyrical -- back to the world of Mary Oliver, Rumi, Louise Locke-Broido and Robert Bly. Back I go to my little envelope where I kept dozens and dozens of A Poet's Choice written by Robert Bly and Rita Dove. Or was it Poet's Corner? Whatever the case, it's there and I will be going back to it.

There really is some sort of magic towards poetry and words and how you can twist them to your desire. There is a level of the magickal when you can write about what thing and someone reads it and understands it for being about something else entirely. It really amazes me.

Today, I couldn't find an empty computer to work on so I left work early to wall-climb at Power Up. I was to return after when some people have left and I can find an empty terminal to work on (which is where I am right now, as of writing this entry). It was exhilirating to be so high up in the air and the idea that it was my own physical exertion and effort that brought me there. I love the strain on the body, the pull of my arm muscles and the push of my leg muscles. Wall-climbing is definitely something I can get my hands into. I love the effort, the physicality that is required and the mental aspect of having to ignore the fear, the very fact that you are so way up high and the only thing that will keep you alive if you fall is a thick cord. And also, the mental aspect of having to choose which rock to grip on and which rock to put your foot on. It's knowing your capacity and knowing how much higher you can go.

It's great being an active person, despite my family culture. Most of the members of my family are thinkers, creative people and talkers (charming bastards, really) and not many of them are physically active. They get tired just watching me walk from one place to the other, dance and tire myself out with work. But I love it. I love the movement of the body. I think it's poetic, a body in motion, it's a lovely thing to see.

And climbing that wall, one foot pushing the rest of the body upwards while the hand constantly gropes upwards, finding its place, balancing the rest must be a sight to see. I can already set it to music.

I'm definitely going to wall-climb more.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. -- Dave Barry

Woke up and, despite the fact I had work, I decided to be 2 and a half hours late and finished the book The Blue Afternoon. I had been reading it for months already and it usually takes me 2 days to finish a book. Suffice to say, I was rather disappointed in myself.

I was chatting with a friend, Kris, last night and I told him that being busy was a sign that things are working out. A lot of people don't even have jobs, so the mere fact that you are working and you are busy is a good sign. It is a sign that you are surviving. Better busy that doing nothing at all. Just don't forget that you have to enjoy life as well.

He said, "So, I guess that's what summer is for?"

I replied with an emphatic, "Fuck summer! Enjoy your life at least once every two weeks!" There's no point in surviving in this life if the end result is becoming a zombie. Maybe there is some sort of satirical point to Dawn of the Dead?

So, before I become my work (I feel that boundary has been passed, at some point already) I decided to stay and finish the book. I was half-way through already anyway. So in 2 hours I finished the book. I then took my time to do some stretching and then off I went to work.

It was a pretty nice change of pace to go back and finish a book and not be in such a rush to get things done. It was also a breath of fresh air to not have to do so much. I guess we've got our groove going on with the show and we are learning to work faster or whatever. But just as we learn this, we have to change the format, strengthen the show and make it more interesting. So by the end of this week, it's back to working like a dog.

That's what I like about working in GMA 7. They never let us rest on our laurels. It is always about constant improvement. No wonder they're number 1. He He Is that what you call shameless plugging? Loving your own? But it is true. After all, development doesn't just happen. It has to be worked on.

And that's what I love about the atmosphere here. I feel like I can really grow here and they can take of me and really help me become better at that which I want to do; which is to work in the media.

Now if I can only solve the problem of moving out, I'll be fine...

Don't judge me `til you've walked a mile in my shoes
Things aren't always as they seem
-- Bartender, written and performed by Keri Noble

I really feel foolish now having entitled my blog as Flight of the Rocketman. I should've really thought about it more. The real signature would have been Modern Everyday Gods and that would have fit me to a tee. Afterall, that's the title of the novel I have yet to write. That is the novel that would explain my college years all the way to the 3 to 4 years that followed my graduation. Modern Everyday Gods would have been the perfect title for my blog.

I want to change everything. The title and the address of the site to that but, a mistake is a decision I have to live with. I don't feel right about all of a sudden leaving The Flight of the Rocketman and continue on in a new blog. I've invested so many words and so many entries. I've been more consistent with this journal than I have been with my real, actual journal. I haven't written on that damn thing for weeks now!

I love the play of words on a blog because you know it is being read. The need to obfuscate actual people because it is not for me to say. To hide their identities so as to allow them their privacy. It's tricky. It requires more thought. It requires more skill. And in an actual journal, where the only reader that you expect is yourself, you can lay everything down and not have to explain; after all, you know what's happening, you know exactly what is being said. In a blog, you have to be a little more clear. You can't be vague because your readers won't understand what is going on. But then again, if being vague was your point, then you have to do it well to appeal to a larger audience.

Afterall, why have a blog if you don't want people to read through it, right?

But I have been very grateful for the outlet that this has given me. It's refreshing to feel like I have a voice and that it is being heard. It isn't trapped inside.

I'm not the kind of person who deals with things silently. I need it to be articulated so that I can deal with it better. When it is expressed, out in the open, I can let go of it easily. So I speak about things, everything with friends and family. I write poems, songs, stories. And then I blog.

It's like therapy. Because once it is out there, it's done. It's over. It has a tangible form and tangible things can be thrown away, ignored or burned. But abstract things hang in the air and they just hover. They hover near you and never leave. I can't stand that.

Once it is out of my system, then I can slowly start letting go. But if it's not expressed; I'm stuck and I'll linger. I dwell.

And sulking is something I do pretty well. I have a phD in sulking and dwelling. Ask my friends, they'll tell you.

To get power you need to display absolute pettiness; to exercise power, you need to show true greatness. -- from The Contender

Body is in pain. I am so out of shape. Woke up early today to go wall-climbing and when I got there, found out that on weekdays, Power Up opens at the afternoon. Damn! Went back home and went swimming instead. After the swim, I got so dizzy I had to sit down for quite a while. I am so out of shape.

But I guess the point is I'm trying to get back into shape. That's the point. That's going to be the point. I'm making it so.

Spent the Sunday with family. Went over there for dinner and we watch a DVD together; my brother, my mother and I. It's nice to get that part of my life back together. I'm happy about that.

Been thinking about my life; found a house and though it is perfect for our budget and the location, it's not what I thought it would be. But then again, like there are all these inexpensive houses with gardens and two floors waiting for a group of friends who are hoping to get a place for a steal. Yeah, right! It's a stepping stone. I can just imagine the savings I'll be making with this move. It may not be what I wanted but in essence, it was what I'm after.

Meetings, meetings and more meetings. I gotta go all of a sudden but this was just meant to be the musings of a man in transition. I'm lost in transition again. Don't know where I'm supposed to be right now but I know I'm far away from where I don't want to be so I guess I must be doing fine. I'm happy with that, at least.

There's a lot to be thankful for and so I will be. But this is not the time to be lax. Gotta keep moving. There's still a lot to do.

Am I big enough to hear that you never even even think about me?
Why should you ever think about me?
And I thought that I'd outgrow this kind of thing.
Tell me, aren't we supposed to mature or something?
I haven't found that yet, is this as grown-up as we ever get?
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
And years may go by, but I think the heart remains a child.
The mind may grow wise, but the heart just sulks and it whines and remains a child.
-- The Heart Remains a Child, by Everything But the Girl

My body is tired. Went to the gym yesterday and I haven't gone in a long time. I don't want to go to the gym but you know what? It's better than not doing anything about it. I woke up too late today to go and wall-climb so I hope that I can sleep pretty early tonight so I can do it tomorrow morning before going to work.

Right now, I need as much physical activity as I can get. I'm sick and tired of my physicality. I want to improve on it.

Yesterday (or was it the other day?) I just discovered that my ex had lied to me the whole time. The disappearing act was just a comfortable escape but apparently, nothing that I was told was true. I was just another little game that was played. I knew there was something up. I knew that something was being hidden. I brought it up and it was shot down with an innocent look and sweet words of comfort. But I knew, deep down inside. I just didn't know how to flush it out. Or did I want to even try?

And I don't want to be bitter and angry. And to be honest, I'm not bitter or angry. I just can't believe that it happened again. Why must I always be fooled and lied to? When honesty goes a very long way with me. I have more respect for someone who can come up to me and tell me the truth.

Lay all your cards down since I don't play games anymore.

I've lost my edge. I'm not as sharp as I used to be. It's been a long time since I've played games. What? Should I return to the poker table? Should I start playing games again? Is this what they really want? Because I can play like the best of them. I'm not stupid and I won't say I'm smart but I'm smart enough to play the game well. I'm smarter than most, that's for sure.

I can leave a trail of tears behind the paths I cross with the crying souls of all the hearts I can break. I've become a little more cold-blooded since last people know me.

I'm a reptile. I'm a modern, everyday god. Do they think they can destroy me? I don't think so.

They better be careful, because if I go back to the game, then, there won't be anything left of them to save. They'll just be dust in the wind.

It's only a thing after all. Someone owned it before me, someone will own it after. I'm only borrowing it really. We all are. We all get too attached to possessions, to things. They cannot be possessed, utterly, like food or wine. They are only on loan to us, these things we so cherish. -- The Blue Afternoon, William Boyd

Today was rather pleasant. I find myself in good spirits.

I woke up early despite having slept late. I slept at 4 in the morning because I watched a pretty good film. I watched Open Waters. There were things I would've done differently, if I were the director, but then again, the movie was moving and receive the necessary empathy from me. It did its job. Maybe my own way would have been too much for what the movie needed.

And I found myself waking up at 9 in the morning and despite my urgings to try to return to the land of dreams, found myself unable to go back to sleep. So despite having less than enough hours of z's, I decided to take the day by the horns and make the most of it.

I went to Makati and got my second to the last check from Youngstar. Sad as it is, the magazine is folding and so I've pretty much lost one of my regular rackets and avenues for publishing. Sad, very sad. Then, having been a rather big amount (apparently, I was prolific the months of July to November) and with some time on my hands, I had a nice heavy lunch and bought a CD. I had already returned Anne's copy of Nina Simone's 3 CD compilation so I bought my own. And it was at the price of 1 CD at that! So it was a great buy.

I went to Smart and inquired regarding my phone. I had already finished my two year contract for my line and then, when you renew your contract, you are supposed to get a new phone based on their retension program. Apparently, for the past two months, they don't have any new units to offer. And I didn't want to pick up another stupid cell phone and have to tolerate it's inadequacy because Smart doesn't have the capacity to serve it's clientelle with a great phone.

But that's the luck of the draw. I've never been lucky with cell phones. I've never had a cell phone stolen or lost but I've never had a good cell phone, either. And I always miss out on the good cell phone promos. And now I'm stuck with this God awful unit that was given to me by a former boss (who did not tell me that it had fallen several times, once in the toilet bowl, go figure!). Considering though, of it's 'stuntman-like' activities in the past, it's holding up pretty good.

But I really need a better phone. Really.

Then I got a haircut and it feels great. I just had a trim and then had the stylist thin my hair, being so thick, but not to touch the length because I'm still unsure whether I want to grow my hair long or not. And I think the stylist did a pretty good job. Very easy to maintain hair and still something I can play with when I'm in the mood.

I shopped for some nice clothes, cheap, of course, but a new pair of jeans is always something to be happy about. And then what remained of my money, I deposited, paid some bills and slowly but surely rebuilding my lost savings...

Now I'm back at work and though it's evening, dark out, I'm happy to note that I'm still pleasant (despite the phone thing) and having a good day and it's not that I haven't been having a good day; it's just that I don't seem to have the time to appreciate that fact.

Well, today, I had the time to appreciate what I have. I am appreciative and grateful for what I've been given and what I am having.

To whatever is out there, to the universe, to everyone... Thank you!

Frodo: I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work, Frodo, than the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring. In which case you were meant to find it. And that is an encouraging thought.
-- The Fellowship of the Rings, screenplay by Philippa Boyen, Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson (adapted from the novel by J.R.R. Tolkien)

My sleeping habits, as of late, has been really fucked up. I've pretty much fixed my body clock to the point where I'm awake at some point in the day. But now, I get really, really sleepy at 4 or 5 in the afternoon and wake up at midnight. That sucks. I'm awake for most of the evening/early morning and the morning itself. But the rest of the day, well, I'm asleep.

It's starting to get to me. I'm starting to feel this level of alienation. I feel alien. I don't feel normal.

Not that I ever did.

I was reading the old e-mail correspondence I kept from an old... well, how do I define that relationship? We were never officially together but we also did claim that we loved each other more than anybody else in our histories. Whatever the case, I'm sure you know that kind of relationships. Well, I was going through those letters and I was amazed at the things I said; the things I wrote. I must admit, I do write some pretty good letters when I'm really, deeply passionate about what I'm saying and who I am saying them to.

The object of affection at the time was totally moved by the letters I wrote. I definitely made a mark. I'm proud of that. I have a way with words. Just give me some time to get to know someone and I can pretty much find the words to make them understand what it is I feel.

And even the act of reading those old letters... What a strange feeling! I don't feel the same way I did before about this person and reading it displaces me. I feel like that person is a different person but I know it was me who wrote those letters. It's really a great way of knowing how far you've gone from where you've been and a clear indication of where you are going.

Warren Ellis, one of my favourite comics writers, had at many times called these moments picking at your scabs. As helpless as you may feel because of the sting of remembering old hurts; there is a satisfying feeling that comes with picking at scabs.

And I am full of scabs, ain't I now?

It's just strange how I came from totally loving this person, to absolute hate and then to indifference. It even occurred to me to renew connections with this person and seriously try out being friends.

But fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to get hurt. Nobody loves a victim and will always take the bait.

Life isn't about finding yourself... Life is about... creating yourself. -- as texted to me by my Dad

I met the new executive producer for one of the shows that I was working on. It was his first day. He comes up to me and says, "Hi. You're Wanggo? Can I ask where's the script for the edit?" I then proceed to tell him that I have to watch/view the materials first before I can hand him the script.

"Isn't that, like, working backwards?" he asks.

"Yeah, it is. But because of people's schedules, we've been working this way."

"I see, I see. But how does the editor edit if he doesn't have the script."

"Well, we've been working at this for the past few months now. We've developed a system that works; so we don't lose out too much time."

"I see, I see. But we have to get the script first before we can edit."

"I know, that's why I have to view the materials now so I can make the script after and send it later when I'm done with it."

"I see. But we have to get the script first because we can't edit without it. You know I'm right, right? I am, di ba?"

"Yeah..." Insert angry stare here. "So can I view the materials first so I can start on the script?"

"Yes, yes, sure, of course."

He was talking down at me. He was so fucking condescending I could've killed him. But I let it slide. I understand that our system is a little backwards but we had to do with what was available. And we've worked for a while now that we've developed a sort of formula that worked out for us. I can understand that he would want to change the system; it's his job as the executive producer to do so, make the show better. But he also has to understand that we are only starting to do initial editing on a Monday for a show that is going to be aired on Wednesday. We are at a state of transition; he has to adapt as much as we do. Apply new systems when we aren't so pressed for time.

And the whole time, the son-of-a-bitch would reach out and hold my shoulder, squeeze my hand. I hate that. He's a fucking stranger. Strangers don't get touching privileges. Wait until we are a little closer before you get touchy, asshole! I don't know from what fucking seminar he got that from but it don't slide with me. Keep your hands off. It's a fucking tense situation as it is; don't make it worse by coming off as fresh or chummy at such an early point in the game.

I was so pissed. I handed my script and my resignation. I have no need for that sort of shitty kind of treatment. I don't need to be talked down to. I don't need condescencion. I've been working since I was 14 for God's sake! I know what I'm doing...

And on my way to GMA for work at the better side of the work force; I was smoking on my way to the MRT. Then I got shouted at by a policeman because the MRT is a no-smoking zone. I apologised. I told him that I thought it was only no-smoking from the turnstile onwards. I didn't know that the area outside, from escalator was no longer a smoking area. I could always smoke until the ticketing area. There were even ashtrays there before.

But no, this asshole of a policeman was shouting at me, making me look stupid and demanded my ID. I asked him, "is there anything wrong?" And he began to shout at me and started to tell me that this was a no smoking area. I said, "sorry, hindi ko po alam." (sorry, i really didn't know, sir) and then he said it has always been this way, since 2002. 2002? I've been smoking all the way up the escalator since 2003 and nobody stopped me. Nobody informed me it was wrong. And other people did so also. There were ash trays on top! I didn't know.

And he didn't have to treat me like an idiot. He was such an asshole. I wanted to punch his face in. He could've been nicer about it. After all, he's an officer of the law! Is that the way they are suppose to act? No wonder people hate them.

It's a vicious cycle. There are people who are immediately rude to them so they become tough and become rude themselves and then there are people who are treated rudely so they start treating policemen rude. It doesn't end and you don't know anymore where it starts.

But a policeman is a service-oriented job. And what's more? It's a government service job. They should learn a little bit more about customer service techniques in dealing with people. It would really, really help their rep.

You know how that story ended? The guy was berating me, asking for my ID, so I took out my GMA ID and showed it to him. He looked at it then he shut up. He looked at me. I looked at him.

"You work in GMA?" he asked...

"Yeah. I do."

"What do you do there?"

"I'm a segment producer."

He returned my ID and let me go. He was quiet the rest of the time as I slowly walked from where he was standing up the escalator. I was looking around. His reaction told me a lot. He was scared I'd report him.

Yeah, I'd report him. He's a fucking asshole.

I look forward to being older; when what I look like becomes less and less an issue and what I am is the point. -- Susan Sarandon

Spent the whole day with my brother. If there is anything I learned from the holiday season and being with family is that there is no other person that will be there for you than family. Of course, that's a case-to-case basis but on my case, my family will always be there for me. No matter how thoughtless I become, they'll always help me out. They'll always want to spend time with me.

And I love them. So I want to spend time with them. I got that desire back from my 9 days in Bacolod.

We watched two movies. First we watched Blade, Trinity which we both enjoyed. And the other was Ocean's Twelve, which we also liked.

I don't understand why people always take movies too seriously. An action film is an action film; we aren't looking for heavy metaphors and relevant symbolisms. No. What's important is that they give us an acceptable situation where in action can exist and the best fight scenes and a couple of explosions and gunfire and that's great. If the movie offers a great, tight script and great acting; then that's the bonus.

I can't believe some of those people who watched Godzilla and complained that the story sucked. I mean, c'mon! What did you want? A love story between the scientist and Godzilla? Did you want Godzilla to be a victim of prejudice and species-ism because he was a huge reptile? I just wanted to see Godzilla destroy New York City and they gave me an acceptable situation for that situation to exist. Coupled with some fun, exciting moments and a couple of cute dialogue and I was happy.

And that's why I enjoyed Ocean's Twelve as well, despite many people's cry of disappointment. Even from the first movie, it wasn't really a caper movie. It was more of a class project between director Stephen Soderbergh and his actors. They had fun; they were making a comedy and I laughed. And the same with the sequel. Sure, I wish they showed more of the caper but what I got, I was happy with. Sure, it wasn't deep. My life didn't change; but for the hours I spent in the theatre, I had fun. I was entertained. And that's all.

Don't treat all movies the same, guys. Some are meant to take lightly and some are meant to be taken seriously. Throw expectations away and make your assessment from the first 10 minutes of the film. A good director will already tell you what kind of film you're suppose to expect. Take it for what it is. Trust the director.

But then again, that's just me...

It was great hanging out with my brother. I can really see how the age difference already blurs as you grow older. It seems that, with family, after a certain age, we all reach a level of equality and I love it. Sure, he's still my older brother and he gets treated with that respect but then, I'm also afforded a certain amount of respect for the things that I have accomplished. Gone are the days of needless bullying and bowing down to the grown ups. We are on a level playing field and it makes dealing with them so much easier.

After all, family knows you best, especially in a family like mine where communication is such a powerful tool. They know everything about me. I don't hide things from them. They know. So, yeah, my family knows me best. And when you deal with each other with that level of honesty, it's so liberating.

I can't believe that for a long time I've been so distanced from them. It was like I knew what they were all about and wanted more and more from what the world has to offer. Anyway, deep inside, I knew they were going to be there for me so I didn't have to work so hard for their love. Very foolish of me, huh?

It seems like I have this knack for taking things for granted and not appreciating the things that should be valued more. I remember a line from one of Des'ree's songs: You don't value things that come too easily. Makes a lot of sense. But just because it comes easily, doesn't mean you just let it go.

It's why I'm always making sure I don't act ungrateful. Because ungrateful is something you don't want to be. That's when things start getting hard; when you have to work hard for everything in your life. Not everything is supposed to be hard.

I love my family. I am really blessed in that aspect of my life.

Thank you.

Real sharpness comes without effort. -- From Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Sometimes I wonder why we can't seem to take things for what they are. Not give things more meaning; turn things into symbols; make things more than what they are. Why can't we just take things at face value? Why do we have to live in a world full of symbols? Can't some things just happen and not have to be more than that: something that happens.

I find myself just getting into "the game" again and, I don't know... I'm not going to make it more than what it is. It's just fooling around. It's just physical. And I'm not going to make some silly reasoning that it feels empty. It does. But that wasn't the point for me. It was just to relieve a physical desire. It was to release tension and stress.

I'm not ready for something deeper. I'm not looking for something deeper. And so it may seem basic and primal and maybe I should be ashamed of it, but I'm not. I'm a human being and just like everybody else, there are needs that can be pushed aside and some that can't. I'm not the type of person who can just let this go. But I do have unbelievable will power over other things.

It's the way of the world. We were all made differently.

Like most things, I am nothing.
It's the same for this sword.
All of it is simply a state of mind.
-- From Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

I'm slowly beginning to throw my plans to the wind and become a little more within the moment. I can slowly see the horizon getting vague and blurry. I know where I want to go but now the path is not clear and that's good.

No more clearly defined routes. Just walk. Just put one step in front of the other. With over 8 billion people in the world, the universe cannot have a specified route for everyone. No one is special enough and excempt from chaos. And no one can be showered with good fortune from birth to death.

So I am trying to accept chaos in my life and learn to really just go with the flow. I want to dance the many pathways of life and see where it leads me. Randomness is freedom.

No growth without assistance.
No action without reaction.
No desire with restraint.
Now give yourself up and find yourself again.
-- From Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

I just helped shoot a feature on wall-climbing and I plan to start doing that soon. I just find physical activity better than going to the gym. I find gym boring and redundant, considering also the fact that I was able to go regularly, everyday for 2 hours for 3 months straight... But if I can do something like wall-climbing, that would be better. I find the bodies of people who do activities (badminton, swimming, etc) better looking than the ones of the people who go to the gym. The difference is so obvious. I want to be lean and toned; not buffed.

New outlook, new body, new plan of attack, new everything... Not that 2005 is supposed to be any different and not that this year is suppose to be special. It just took me this long to find this state of mind.

Everything is just a state of mind.

*quotes from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were based on the book by Wang Du Lu; screenplay by Wang Hui Ling, James Schamus and Tsai Kuo Jung and directed by Ang Lee

Something is out of reach
Something he wanted
Something is out of reach
He's being taunted
Something is out of reach
That he can't beg or steal nor can he buy
-- "A Campfire Song" by Natalie Merchant

My good, good friend Anne lent me her CD of Nina Simone's greatest hits, a 3 CD compilation of 50 fantastic tracks of the legendary jazz singer and pianist. I've always liked her, ever since I saw Point of No Return (also called Assassin) with Bridget Fonda. Her character in that movie loved Nina Simone and it was there that I got my early introduction to the music of Nina Simone. I was amazed at her beautiful rendition of the Beatle's song Here Comes the Sun.

I never got a copy of any of her albums but burned that track into a compilation.

Now I want to get the same CD my friend has because I am totally amazed by her interpretation of the songs and her soul.

I have always loved the songs of Randy Newman and Bette Midler's version of I Think It's Going to Rain Today has always been a personal favourite of mine. Where Midler's version is sad and grieving; Simone is accepting. Midler feels the sadness of the day, the loss of her friend (it was used for the film Beaches) but Simone sings as if she has been through this before. She knows the score. It happens. Shit happens. It's just another one of those days.

I heard Angel of the Morning first through Shaggy and then fell in love with the version of Chrissie Hyndes and the Pretenders. The sadness in Chrissie Hynde's voice, the pain of being something so temporary is so evident. But again, Simone has been through this all before. As Anne said, there is a level of hope. But for me, it's strength.

And whereas Bette Midler's Everyone's Gone to the Moon, I remember being sad and an expression of loneliness and one of exile, Simone's is almost insane. She sings in her jazzy syncopated rhythm, more shocked at the disappearance of people. She even injects her personal opinions into the song: what happens now? It is one of fear and shock. Simone's version is taken literally, everyone has gone to the moon. Bette Midler uses the metaphors to present her feeling of being left behind. It is an interesting way of presenting the song. An interpretation worth repeated listening.

Of course, Leonard Cohen's Suzanne has always been a magical song for me since I first heard it sung by the magnificent Judy Collins. But with Nina Simone, it is the dreaded story of someone else. Judy Collins' sounds as if she's talking about herself in the third person. For me, Simone is talking about Suzanne. A different person entirely. There is a feeling of invasion. The song takes a creepy turn. There is sympathy and yet a distance that is comforting and at the same time, not so...

And lastly, Bob Dylan's Just Like a Woman. Dylan, having written the song, talks about a girl that he once loved. Stevie Nicks covered the song in her Street Angel album and sang it with a rough edge, a rock edge and a toughness that could mean that she's that girl as well. The lines are blurred in Nick's version. Is she talking about someone else or herself? And there is an anger hidden behind the voice, showing a disapproval of such behaviour, but also a closeness, an acceptance. Judy Collins covered this song as well and with her sweet, gorgeous voice, Collins shows sympathy, compassion for the woman in question. As she sings But she breaks just like a little girl, we feel her attachment to this person, like she wants to take care of her. Stevie Nicks is almost accusatory. There is a level of disgust. A woman like Nicks who has been through far worse, probably has lived that life knows that weakness is a poor excuse for a way of life. We have to be strong.

But Nina Simone actually becomes the girl halfway through the song, changing the pronouns she to I. She claims to be that girl. And the statement rings so true and proud. That weakness is something to be proud of; something inherently human. It becomes a song about standing true to what you are; of who you are.

Simone's interpretations is one of strength, of power, of taking life by the reigns... Here is a woman who must've gone through a lot (I have yet to read anything about her life, anyone know a good biography to recommend?) and her stand is one of acceptance.

What a powerful voice! And I'm not just talking about the vocal chords. It's a voice that rings with so much truth and power. I am overwhelmed. What does one have to do to reach that level of depth?

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself is it so bad to be protected? To have things go your way? It was not by choice. You work hard and you suffer little and you get on by. Would it be ungrateful to ask for a little pain?

To be honest, I read and read, watch movies and listen to songs closely because I'm afraid that I'm not as tough as I seem to be. I don't think I could handle anything that real; prejudice, racism, poverty, absolute hatred. I've been lucky. I've been comfortable. But will that mean that there will be a grit that's missing from my work? A level of pain that people can relate to?

I don't want it yet I want that connection with the people who read my writing, who will be viewing my work. But will I always be a step away? Three steps back (or forward, however you want to take the metaphor) and a little out of reach?

Or can I fake it? Is that the magic of art? The ability to create an illusion, a metaphor of all things universal?

Or is it irrelevant because the quality of work should have that level of the universal? I can only create and create and hope that I get there...

A balanced diet means having a pastry in each hand. -- as texted to me by my Dad

And if you could see, what's come over me, then you would know
Cause I'm walkin' free, the wind at my back, bathed in afterglow.
-- Afterglow, written and performed by Vanessa Carlton

It's harder than I thought, searching for a house. I thought there'd be so many waiting out there; the streets like a buffet table and I'd just walk up to one and ask how much. But no, that's not how it is. And I'm on my 3rd copy of Buy and Sell and asking my friends if they had had any luck.

I've slowly begun turning into this vampire. Sleeping during the day and waking at night. It has always been my excuse that it's far easier for me to work at night when I have free reign of the computers. No one to ease into my slot for editing and I can play the music is loud as I want. True, I do get a lot of work done but this is no way to live. Awake during the hours when 80% of the world is sleeping.

A few more days of this and I'd grow fangs and start to hunger for the taste of human blood.

But things are going strangely well... I thought losing the other would be painful but I've never been the sentimental type. It didn't work out. Sure, I don't have closure but I don't need one. I was ready to end it already as it is. I guess, in a way, it is a blessing that it my lover just disappeared. Without a trace. Well, that's not true. I've made a few calls. In the other house, they would say. At least I know nothings horrible has happened.

It's just that it ended. And that was that. And of course, as they say, as one door closes another opens. I can now continue on through with this God forsaken schedule and not have to worry that I'm fucking up somebody else's. This freedom to do as I please is quite liberating.

I am not held down to anyone and no one holds me; as I hold no one down. It's the way it should be. For someone as intense as I, I need that intensity matched. And I need my freedom as much as I would give it away.

Not many people seem to understand that. They think a relationship requires constant attention and affection; that they should be there always, if possible. I don't get it, really. I've always believed that a relationship is between two individuals. Individuals. That means they have their own lives. They have separate set of friends (but they do know of each other, and have hung around at one point in time) and that they have goals and ambitions for themselves. A relationship is someone to share things with, not merge with.

The whole idea is just bizaare to me.

But then again, we were all brought up differently. I consider my parents polar opposites. My Dad is this artistic, care-free person. Truly artistic, my Dad has no practical bone in his body. Whereas my Mom is this calculating, exact and precise woman where everything can be ordered into a system. They both have the same love for the arts, though have different perspectives of it. But they both share that love and passion, for art, for beauty, for life. They are not one person. That's definitely certain. They are two people but they want to share their differences with each other and found a way to complement themselves. The relationship makes them whole; not the other person.

That's how I believe these things to be.

How strange... I meant this to be more of a record of how strange my sleeping patterns have been as of late and I ended up talking about relationships. I wonder if that is in any way Freudian...?

And I think I spelled bizaare incorrectly... It's too early in the morning to be sleepy...

If there were no waves, the moon could not break itself into a thousand pieces and dance. -- as texted to me by my Dad

I just watched Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday. Pretty powerful stuff. It was foolish of me to think that a documentary had to be objective. I never realised that you could write your documentary in a subjective manner. I thought it would take away the point of being a documentary; as in documenting rather than making a statement. But now I know better...

It just shocks me the amount of ignorance that happens in the minds of a large majority of people. People who are not aware that certain actions have their respective consequences.

I think of the lady (I cannot remember her name at the moment) in the documentary who wanted her children to join the army. She was so proud of him. And then when the news came that he had perished in the war, she was so struck with grief screaming in pain that she blamed God for taking him away from her. "What had he done?" she cried. He was one of the good guys. He was a good person.

Didn't she know that that is what soldiers do? They enter into the field of combat and kill. They engage their enemy and kill other people, other living human beings. And as much as they have the opportunity to kill, they too have the chance to be killed in return. There are no wars where people come back unscathed. Even the people who stay home and are far away from the war zone cannot be unaffected. In one way or another, we are all related to someone in that war. Or we are all affected.

I've never liked war. I've never liked guns. I was offered to fire a gun by my cousin in the province. He asked me if I wanted to go target shooting. I said "no." I have no love of guns. People buy them and they feel invincible. They feel like they are better than most people. They feel like they rule the world. It doesn't matter if they have no education, no world view, no substance. It doesn't matter if they have ever read a book or ever worked a day in their lives. That one piece of metal and sulfur can change their self-esteem. They think that everyone is afraid of them. They think they are tougher than everybody else.

I want everyone to throw the guns and have them all melted. All the bullets, all the guns in the world -- throw `em away. Burn it all. Use the metal to make ships or something. Build good homes for a cheap price. You want to kill someone, use your fists, be a man. Let's see. You start a fight, let's see the rest of the world around you stop you. If you're wrong, it will be you facing the angry fists of the rest of the world.

After all, you're only as tough as how many bullets you've got. After that, you're nothing more than a weakling hiding behind metal.

It's all so fake. It really pisses me off.

For all that has been, thanks; to all that will be, yes! -- as texted to me by my Dad

I have just been awashed with emotions. I am overwhelmed. I just saw Finding Neverland and I must say that this is my favourite film ever. I think it is the most beautiful film I have ever seen. I think it is even better than Magnolia which has been my most favourite of films since I've seen it.

I can't blog right now. I am too moved by the experience. I was crying and crying from minute 32 all the way until the end. It had touched me in so many ways. It is so beautiful.

I'm gushing now so I better stop. All I can say is that you must watch it. There is no better cinematic experience.

Well, that's just my opinion...

Another year has passed and we begin a new one. As we flex our muscles for the work ahead, let us take time to observe the horizon of our life for then we will know what work we've done and what work needs to be done. Let us live the moment but always eyes set to the distance. Move forward. Do not linger. There is much to see, much to be. It is a new life. We are charged to direct its course. Let it be far reaching. -- Anne Rodriguez

First off, I have to move out and get to the new place where I can spend less money on my bills. What follows is, if I have less bills to pay, I don't have to work so hard and I can focus more of my time to doing the things I want to do.

So I'm checking out a house tomorrow and then, hopefully, we'll decide by next week where we are moving to. When we move, I'll pick up the computer from my Mom's house and that means I can start writing all the stuff I want to write.

I've helped out my friends direct and produce a music video. I'd love to say that I co-directed and co-produced with them but I feel that would be a lie. I feel that I didn't put as much work as they did. I was dragged on from different sides, GMA and then other rackets that I wasn't able to throw as much as they did. But I did help out a lot, I'd like to think. But it's a stepping stone to better things. I will definitely be more in the process the next video.

Also, we'll be collaborating more in all our stuff. We will learn together and make everything work out. Three heads are better than one and I love these people and we all respect each other's sense of aesthetics. I think we will all work well together.

Soon, I should be working on the film script of the indie we want to work on. I want this to be a busy year with a lot to show for.

But I also have to think of solo projects for myself and it would have to be writing. I think I should start writing poetry and short stories again. Go back to my roots. Go back to the things that got me started in the first place. These are things I can do without help. These are things that I can do on my own.

This will be a busy year. It will be a productive year. As Anne had said: It is a new life. We are charged to direct it's course.

Well said.

Things that matter should never be at the mercy of things that don't. -- Goethe

Apparently, I've prepared for the coming year and found myself to be just okay financially... I prepared and fooled myself into thinking I had no money so there was no over-spending during the holidays. So now, everything is okay now. I'm just fine! Ha Ha Ha I can't believe I have to fool myself and hide money in the many bank accounts I opened to ensure that I don't touch the money. I find the idea so ridiculous.

I'm learning how to run around my weaknesses and turn them to my advantage. It's really a silly concept but it has proved helpful in the long run.

I find myself sliding back into the old routine so I'm trying to destroy that by meeting with old, old friends and agreeing to meeting up with new people. This way I keep things exciting, allowing myself pleasant surprises and maybe some disappointments. I have to find a way to be something new this time around.

What would be the point if everything were to be the same, right? The thing that matters most to me now is full growth. Less dreams and more action. Less hoping and more doing. Less fantasy and more living.

In architecture, as in art, the more you reduce the more exacting your standards must be. The more you strip down and eliminate, the greater the pressure on, the import of, what remains. - The Blue Afternoon, William Boyd

There is no more other. Never called, never tried to reach me and I tried and tried and "I'm sorry, not home." Or the phone would ring and ring and no one would pick it up. I don't know the new number. Never got in a word edgewise. I was never given the opportunity to try and work it out and never got the opportunity to try and break it up. Until now I have not heard a word from the other.

After Christmas and the new year, I'll consider it officially over.

And now things will have to be different. No more rushing into things. No more falling madly, passionately in love with people I barely know. Maybe I'll actually go on a date. Get to know the person first. Maybe this time, I'll wait for the third date before I start kissing. Let's see where that takes me.

It's time to start removing the baggage which I thought I threw away long ago. No more bitterness. Just erase the numbers of people who have been a part of my past, good or bad but will do nothing to strengthen my future.

I have never been the sentimental type. My best friend doesn't believe in burning bridges. I believe in throwing the things that don't work away so that I can continue on with the things that do.

I didn't do any of the rituals I usually do. To hell with it! This year, I'll let things flow through me and I'll follow the course and look for the things that I can catch on the way. I still have my destination in sight, I just won't be so certain about the route. I've never really lived for the moment. I would do that once in a while but never fully. Let's try it once. Let's give it a good go.

This year, I want to work on myself. Get to do some things I really want to do and not have to worry about the security of life that I never seem to get anyway. Let life be about the accumulation of experiences.

Let's live it.