The Flight of the Rocketman

Frodo: I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work, Frodo, than the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring. In which case you were meant to find it. And that is an encouraging thought.
-- The Fellowship of the Rings, screenplay by Philippa Boyen, Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson (adapted from the novel by J.R.R. Tolkien)

My sleeping habits, as of late, has been really fucked up. I've pretty much fixed my body clock to the point where I'm awake at some point in the day. But now, I get really, really sleepy at 4 or 5 in the afternoon and wake up at midnight. That sucks. I'm awake for most of the evening/early morning and the morning itself. But the rest of the day, well, I'm asleep.

It's starting to get to me. I'm starting to feel this level of alienation. I feel alien. I don't feel normal.

Not that I ever did.

I was reading the old e-mail correspondence I kept from an old... well, how do I define that relationship? We were never officially together but we also did claim that we loved each other more than anybody else in our histories. Whatever the case, I'm sure you know that kind of relationships. Well, I was going through those letters and I was amazed at the things I said; the things I wrote. I must admit, I do write some pretty good letters when I'm really, deeply passionate about what I'm saying and who I am saying them to.

The object of affection at the time was totally moved by the letters I wrote. I definitely made a mark. I'm proud of that. I have a way with words. Just give me some time to get to know someone and I can pretty much find the words to make them understand what it is I feel.

And even the act of reading those old letters... What a strange feeling! I don't feel the same way I did before about this person and reading it displaces me. I feel like that person is a different person but I know it was me who wrote those letters. It's really a great way of knowing how far you've gone from where you've been and a clear indication of where you are going.

Warren Ellis, one of my favourite comics writers, had at many times called these moments picking at your scabs. As helpless as you may feel because of the sting of remembering old hurts; there is a satisfying feeling that comes with picking at scabs.

And I am full of scabs, ain't I now?

It's just strange how I came from totally loving this person, to absolute hate and then to indifference. It even occurred to me to renew connections with this person and seriously try out being friends.

But fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to get hurt. Nobody loves a victim and will always take the bait.