The Flight of the Rocketman

Beware the barrenness of a busy life. -- Socrates

After going out, again, last night, I've decided I am NOT going to go dancing two consecutive nights. There's no point. My body is still in absolute pain from the night before. I can't give it my all and there is no point dancing if I can't give it my all, right?

But before I went out last night, I went with my friend as he was covering an event for my show. We went to this bar in Makati called Saguijo (or is it Sa Guijo, am not sure...) and found a nice relaxing atmosphere with some cool rock bands and rather inexpensive drinks (relatively cheaper than most Makati prices, anyway). I had a good time there. Saw some old friends and discovered another side of Makati. I don't want to say "the unpretensious side of Makati" because it's not that Makati is pretensious, it's just that it's a little too glamourous for me. There are too many needs and requirements. I want to have fun with all the trappings but on my terms. I want to dress the way I want to. I want to have fun the way I want to. And it's not always available at the usual haunts in Makati.

But then, Saguijo is a different kind of place. Cool vibe. It's an old house turned bar, gallery and boutique. The boutique has interesting stuff. It's called I Love You (cute name) and has some cool rocker shirts that I'm interested in. Unfortunately, I was there to work and didn't bring extra cash.

Then, I woke up this Sunday at around 5pm (I got home around 6, so go figure!). Went to my Mom's place for the usual family gathering to be ultimately shocked at the state that it was in. I knew my mom was leaving for Bacolod for good but to see the condo in boxes, almost all the furniture gone was a little jarring for me. I lived here for a year, pretty much. It was just so strange to see it all packed up and ready to go.

When my Mom leaves for Bacolod, she'll be leaving my brother and I alone here and we'll be technically orphans. Both my parents will be in Bacolod now and that will make communication with most of my family members down to e-mail and text messaging. A whole new dimension to my relationships and family dynamics, I see. How strange...

An added new depth to my state of transition. Things are really changing. Gotta grow up! Gotta grow up!

Take me out tonight
Where there is music and there's people
And they're young and alive
-- There Is a Light That Never Goes Out, The Smiths (written by Morrissey and Marr)

Last night, a dream came true for me. I was in a club. Suffering from a horrible night, the night before, I decided I just wanted to let loose and feel everything and nothing as I was to dance the night away. As the music hit its zenith early on in the night, my friend (who is a dancer) and I, decided to explode. We began dancing at hyper levels and all of a sudden, people began to move away, give us space and cheer us on. Nobody was looking at the people on the ledge. They were looking at the two of us. And they were cheering.

That night, people were watching me dance and I couldn't have felt any better. I must say, I had all intentions of stealing the attention out of everyone and I felt like I was able to accomplish it last night. I was dancing from 12:30am until 5am.

Slowly, the moon was being eaten away. It was no longer the full moon, but the remnants were still there. And it was great...

And I was surprised at my energy (either that or my need for release) because that evening, before going out, I had gone wall-climbing and once again, my trainer pushed me to levels of climbing I had not yet accomplished. He was really pushing me because he wanted me to start improving and developing my skills. He was giving me an endurance and stamina program which involves a lot of laps. It felt great. I was climbing more than I was able to do the previous month when I started. And it's getting easier and easier as my body is learning, by reflex, the proper way to climb -- it isn't the arms that should be doing all the work; it's a combination of both arms and legs. But if you don't want to tire yourself out quickly, you push up with your legs and just steady yourself with your arms.

I suppose it is easy to say that yesterday was a full body work out. With climbing to work on my muscles and definitions and the non-stop explosive, high-energy dancing as cardio. Doing this kind of dancing once a week and my wall-climbing three times a week will really do wonders for my fitness.

It was a great time. I woke up thinking it was a Sunday... hehe

The Edge -- there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Blurry. Vague. Opaque. That's how my world feels like right now. I stare outward and see everything in a haze. There's a fog and I don't know what is on the otherside but I'm not turning back and going for the comforts of a familiar shelter. I'm going in.

Had dessert with two friends at 7pm since I had lunch at 5. On my way back to the office, I saw the beautiful Full Moon hanging low in the sky, beautiful and yellow. It was so yellow, it was like some yolk, suspended in the air, with a cloud right below it. Almost like the egg white was separated and it was just left there.

It's so aesthetically pleasing. I don't know why.

Man is composed of 80% water (though I think it's 90%) and this is why we are so affected by the phases of the moon. Just like the tides, we are influenced by the position of the moon and its distance to us. I've always believed in that saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I acted that way! It was a full moon." I understand what they mean.

Does that mean I'm going to do something crazy tonight? Maybe. It would be nice to go crazy tonight and blame it on the yellow moon.

The yellow moon. Like an eye watching down from the sky wondering what you will be doing tonight under its influence...

What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change - it's the currency of the world. -- Closer, written by Patrick Marber and directed by Mike Nichols

Sometimes I am faced with something that I want but should not have, for certain reasons but I can have it if I pushed hard enough. It's a moral question, really. Should I go for it, when socially, it would be deemed as wrong? Is it my problem? Should I even think about the moral questions?

The thing is, I've always believed in living my life the way I want. Freedom denotes that I can do whatever I want as long as I remember the cardinal rule about it. Your freedoms end when someone else's begins, or something like that. I can do whatever I want as long as I don't hurt anybody else or do any action that would impede on another's freedom.

And by forcing my way to getting what I want, I feel, someone's gonna get hurt in the process. God! Things are just never easy, huh?

It's like that whole concept of the white lie. Sure, it spares people from the hurt and it seems like a merciful thing to do but in the long run, it is still a lie. I can't deal with that. I've never made distinctions between white lies and lies. There is no difference for me. A lie is a lie. Period. No exceptions. Yeah, it saved your ass and yeah, it also spared a particular someone the hurt and pain of the truth but at the end of the day, it is still a lie.

I have a weird hang up with the truth, I don't know why. I guess it is something inculcated in me as a child by my parents who wanted to always be told the truth. I can deal with the truth, I can't deal with a lie my Mom would say. I believe that. I can handle the truth and if that means you don't like me or you can't stand me or there is something that needs to be changed, then let me know. It's really better that way. And yes, I know I'm sensitive and I can be a drama queen; but better to let me know the truth. I will respect you more that way.

I'm currently lost in transition again and this is bothersome. It really gets in the way of the decision-making. When I'm lost in transition, it makes everything so complicated because I don't know who I want to be at the end of the transition period. All the choices don't make any sense at the moment because you don't know what end result you want to achieve.

*Sigh*

But in the corner of my mind
A little angel saying
"Don't waste your love,
You love too much."
-- Elephant, A Camp (written by Nina Persson and Mark Linkous)

Finished writing the studio shoot scripts at 9 in the morning. Got home at around 10. Woke up at 6pm and saw that the sun was gone. There was nothing left for me to savour. Missed out on a chance to do some wall-climbing and now I'm back at the office working on some stuff.

I got to find a better schedule than this.

If I only didn't love this job... Now I'm beginning to sound like a Tina Arena song, "If I didn't love you, love you like crazy..." But it's true. I can now truly relate to that song, especially since it was never a love song. She really meant to write that song for the music industry. But because of the way it was written, people mistook it for being a love song, which works well for Tina Arena anyway. Helped the sales of that album a whole lot.

Been listening to Portishead and Lamb. Really loving the whole trip-hop, drum and bass sound of their music. Want to write that kind of songs, right now, I find it very challenging. I love the way it seems that their music and lyrics are very separate from each other. The lyrics and melody was written independently from the music and the composer worked around it, creating those drum beats and sound effects. I find that sort of process... I don't know. Intriguing? Complex?

I've decided to finally give in to my father's wishes and I am now growing my hair. I always have that ugly period when you are growing your hair and I've decided, to avoid that part, I'm now wearing bonnets or a cap. I've decided to hide my head and hair with an article of clothing. It's really a whole new look for me and I've always been against wearing anything on my head. But it's time for a change.

Things are slowly moving to that direction -- I must change again, apparently. The old ways are no longer working and so I must adapt once again. I'm planning to do some drastic things on my birthday but we'll see. It's not that far off. I'm just preparing myself for whatever outrageous thing comes into my head.

I'm not as impulsive as I might seem. I don't take too many risks. Maybe it's time to raise the ante. I'm going to be 26 soon, after all. It's about time I do something a little more daring, right?

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the window. -- as texted to me by my Dad

After a hard day's work last Saturday, we watched Street Fusion 5, a dance concert of the UP Street Dance Club. I forgot how much I enjoy watching these performances; considering how much I love dancing. It was a joy to see such movements. I can't admit to having liked all the dances since R&B and hip-hop is not my most favourite of musical styles but all in all, I did enjoy myself and the performance.

It also came to the point that Berna looked at me and we both smiled. We knew we were going out dancing that night. We had to. We've been working so hard and we haven't gone out to enjoy ourselves in such a long time. So off we went to a club that night and I danced from 1am to 5:30am. Before that, I went to my friend's birthday party at Gweilos and got sufficiently drunk on white wine and beer (what a combination!).

I just jumped into the fray and didn't care about who was looking at me; I just exploded in the dance floor and ceased being a human. I was just this dancing thing and found myself slowly forgetting all my worries and cares. I was just enjoying myself and losing myself to the dance.

It can't be too long before that happens again.

Sunday, my body was just in so much pain. It was not ready for such a dancing onslaught, I must've put my body through a certain amount of strain. So I didn't want to do anything in particular. I just wanted to rest. So I went to my bestfriend's place and watched movies.

Suffice to say, I had a restful and enjoyable Sunday. I watched Mike Nichol's Closer and I must say, it is the best movie about relationships I've ever seen. Despite strong performances from all the actors, I'm sorry to say but Natalie Portman stole the whole show. She was amazing. From the moment she appears on screen until far after the movie, she still resonates in your head and refuses to leave. After watching Closer, I watched Sideways and I was still talking about Natalie Portman. That's how powerful her performance is. I love Cate Blanchet but I'm sorry, Natalie Portman deserves that upcoming Oscar. Aside from the fact that the movie is just terrific in all aspects, her performance is legendary and will be talked about until the end of her career, which I hope happens way after I'm gone.

It amazes me how a girl so young can be so good as an actress and still be gorgeous, sexy and charming and also intelligent (I've read a number of her interviews and there's a brain behind that gorgeous, gorgeous face). What a truly inspiring and beguiling person. I'm in awe of her.

Now the weekend is over and I'm back to work and I can still feel the aches and pains in my body from dancing to much last Saturday but it's okay. It is reminding me I'm alive and I had loads of fun and that everything starts again. The counter has been reset. I'm ready again. Let this world do its worst. I'm recharged.

Sometimes, that's all we need.

The evening of a well spent life bring its lamps with it. -- Joseph Joubert

Got to see Constantine, at last and was pretty impressed with the way the movie played out. Loved it. But then again, I am such an occult freak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who'd start a coven and wear black nail polish and shit like that. I wouldn't even cast spells if someone gave me a book (though I used to, got the bloody karma for casting them too. Never cast spells unless you really know how to, they're dangerous and we all have that power, just a warning) but I am the type of person who would read the book, cover-to-cover. I do believe in another world and that they sometimes collide with ours. I love all that demon and angel shit, especially when done in the Vertigo manner (where Constantine, or Hellblazer, the comic was published) where the angels and demons were written intelligently. I am such a geek for all that occult stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if ever I discovered I had that gift of sight, that ability to see through the other world; pierce the veil of shadows that separates the real world from the world beyond. What would I do? I'd embrace it, I guess. I know it's a scary world but it's a world that makes more sense to me than this real one.

Because right now, I'm the poster child for a level of desperate poverty and I make a damn good looking poster, I must say. I failed to pay my rent and I got to find a way to make the extra cash and pay it back ASAP. God, this world is so tough. Paying bills, making a living, saving, buying necessities and just getting through the day without regretting that you're spending most of your life working rather than doing the things you want to do. It's really tough and that is something they keep warning you when you are a student but there's no real way to know what it really is like until you are there, you know?

I should know, I always warned my students about it back when I was teaching and I don't think I warned them enough. I'm just glad I was teaching Literature. The stories we took up always had some form of life lesson involved. It wasn't enough. I didn't realise it either until I had to go through it myself.

It makes performing exorcism look like a day in the beach, really. When your greatest battles are in the form of good versus evil, heaven versus hell, it makes the day-to-day seem so pointless, really. Something that should be done just to get it over with. But if the day-to-day is what consumes you; it becomes something far greater than it really is. That's what is getting me down today.

Maybe that's why I like movies so much and stories and stuff. Because it gets me out of that day-to-day. I need it. I'm not in a good place, right now, in my real life...

The artist, in the ancient world, was not a special kind of man, but every man a special kind of artist. -- Joseph Campbell

Off to watch Sideways later. Hope it's as good as everyone says it is. I really need to get away for a while; even if that means I'll be in some dark, cold room with a host of other people. I haven't been in a movie theatre in weeks. This will be a pleasant escape.

Tomorrow is going to be a hell day's worth of shooting. It's unbelievable. Things just don't get easier after time, either that, or the Rooster is not the kindest of animals in the Chinese New Year. Geez, I think I take these horoscope things too seriously.

Kung Hey Fat Choi and all that jazz. What I need is a break. I've been whining just a tad excessively these past few days. Reality slapped me with a two by four and let me tell you, it's very painful. Very, very painful.

There will be a day when... someone just called me up and I totally lost my train of thought. I got off the train while it was moving. That's pretty painful too.

I've just been whining a lot lately! This is not good. Not in a good place. I am not in a good place right now!

Need a change. I need a tune up. I need something.

Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect, and touch and greet each other. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

It has been a very, very long day. Work has caught up with me. And I feel like I'm drowning here. Everyone has been telling me that I shouldn't work too hard; that I am putting too much unwanted stress into my system. After a while, you have to start thinking that maybe everyone else is right.

But at least, today, I look good.

Ha Ha Ha Little moments of joy.

We had Chicosci in our show awhile ago and they were rocking! The intensity was amazing! I was blown away. They were cool. They rock.

Constantine will be showing soon. Next week, I think. I want to see that. I know it looks nothing like how the comic book reads but then again, I'm a sucker for all that special effects/supernatural stuff. And Rachel Weisz is always a selling point.

Oh yeah, I really can't find my collection of Kabuki by David Mack. Someone borrowed it and totally forgot to return it. It's been so long now. I hope
they lose a toe or something.

Well, all the people who borrowed stuff from me and never returned them and don't even bother to remind me that it's with them. Bastards. I hope they lose three of their toes.

God! This is such a scattered post. Need sleep.

"Do you ever have a normal day?"

"Yeah, once. It was a Thursday..."
-- I, Robot, directed by Alex Proyas and written by Akiva Goldsman and Jeff Vintar

Whether I'm sick or not, whether my body can take it or not, ready or not, pencils down and pass your papers; I'm going to work in the morning. I am no longer staying in this house, no matter how well I've been treated. There will be no more of this God damned inflamed throat, head ached, joint-pains to stop me from going to the office and getting some work done! I am going to the office tomorrow whether it will kill me or leave me paralyzed from the neck down!

Of course, being home from Friday afternoon until Sunday night has had its blessings. I'm glad to have spent time with my brother. I would've spent time with my mother too if she were home. I ended up watching a lot of DVDs and getting myself back in touch with the realm of plot. I watched movies I have never seen before and some movies I have seen and wouldn't mind watching again and again. But more importantly, I was watching films and trying to solve that mystical skeletal frame that is the backbone (no pun intended) to a good story: tone.

With the proper tone, you see, you can make the most sophisticated of people sit down and laugh at a movie that is filled with politically incorrect humour. Tone, you see, differentiates Will Pharrel's Anchorman and any movie by Chris Farley. And just so I am not misconstrued in any way, I fell apart laughing at Anchorman whereas I cannot believe the amount of money people have spent to make a Chris Farley movie. I'm sorry. The man, for as large as he is, has not a single funny bone in that body. May he rest in peace.

Somehow, I still feel totally unable to capture it. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. And in my opinion, it's one of the most important of literary tools when writing a story. Everything else can be fixed; tweaked; adjusted. But if you don't get the tone right, you might have to re-write everything; start from scratch.

And I'm not a very patient man. I can't stand that.

Otherwise, things have been an okay weekend. I must confess, my obsession for wall-climbing is a little severe because I am sincerely pissed off that I haven't been able to since last Tuesday. And I won't push myself in fear of falling into a relapse. Gotta let it go for a while. Haven't been able to do a lot really but get a lot of rest and try to get better.

But for me, it's such a waste of time. Of all the things I forget to pack with me before going to my Mom's... a book! I can be such a moron sometimes...

But tomorrow, back to normal and if things are back to normal then it's all uphill from here, I hope.

I celebrate my Chinese New Year on my back, clutching my head in pain but then again, that's got to be the worst of it, right?

Yeah, right...

Everyone has a different journey in life. Do not be afraid of the storms; just learn to sail your ship. -- as texted to me by my Father

I hate this weakness. This burden on my back, the ache in my joints, the cracking sound my bones make when I move after having stayed still for a long time. This cloud that hovers over my head. I hate this weakness. This mortal shell we call the body is so useless when rendered ill. If there were only a way around it...

I suppose it is thoughts like these that starts off those science fiction stories, eh? But I don't blame these people. It's such a chore to have to work around 65% efficiency, especially when you are so used to having your wits all about you. I hate having to stoop down because it's less pain on my neck. I know I end up looking like an old man but the pain to keep my posture up is just so gross.

And I eat and drink like a pelican. I chew and then I raise my head up to help the food go down my throat. My brother was looking at me and smiling. "You look like a Pelican," he replied after I had said, "I can't believe I'm eating like a fuckin' crocodile!" I think Pelican was more right at the bat.

God, I can remember the times when my friends would be so happy they got sick so they didn't have to go to school. I hated it. I never liked it. Stayed away from it like the plague. Not that I knew what to stay away from. I just continued working and playing at full efficiency and if I felt like there was a little bit of sickness hanging onto me, I'd still act normal. Eventually, I thought, my body would realise I wasn't going to go easy on it just because it was coming with a flu, so it would have to toughen up, and it did. I rarely got sick.

And now that I am, I'm a fucking cry-baby. I'm a wimp.

But I can tell the worse is over. I just have to make sure nothing goes wrong with the recovery and I'll be fine.

Time to come out of you egg,
Crack it open and show your face.

Don't conceal what you feel,

Let it shine:

That you'd like to be always nine.
-- Nine, from the musical Nine (words and music by Maury Yeston)

I'm sick to the bone. I've been so sick, I didn't eat anything since Wednesday night. I had had no appetite and I've been surviving on water and pineapple juice. At least this is the sort of cleansing diet thing I wanted but I don't know if the lack of real nourishment will help me to get better.

The other day was horrible. After a late night meeting in Makati, already I knew I was coming down with something but I had to get to it, you know? Work is work. Walking away from the condo and walking towards a place where I was suppose to meet up with a friend, hoping to get something warm and maybe get a ride home, I just started shivering, really badly. I was shivering so badly, I began gnashing my teeth, my legs wanted to give way but I knew I had to get to somewhere warm. My head began to pound and I could feel my stomach ready to explode. I wanted to puke. I felt my heart pounding on the interior of my chest. If that is what a heart attack is suppose to feel like, well, count me out. I don't want it. I don't want to know...

So I stayed home yesterday, the whole day of Thursday, taking a lot of liquids and medicines. I couldn't eat solid foods because I had no appetite and my throat is so swollen I didn't think I could get anything in. It's hard to swallow as it is...

Out of Berna's suggestion, I ran here to my Mom's house where at least I could be taken cared of. Some people here can cook for me and watch over me. It's tough.

That one whole day alone in my place, I had to do everything myself. It was pathetic, really... I was moaning in pain, rolling on the floor counting the hours until the next time I could take a paracetamol or a pain-killers... It was such a chore to get up to go to the bathroom just to fucking piss.

This is the problem with people like me who only get sick once a year. When it happens, we don't know how to deal with it. It hits us like a tidal wave.

So I go and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading, on white houses
I lied, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart it's the five of us, in white houses
And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep, in white houses
-- White Houses, written by Vanessa Carlton and Stephan Jenkins

Climbed up the 40 foot wall and half-way up, I felt my strength giving way. My fingers couldn't firmly grasp the stones, found myself at a very difficult point in the wall and I could no longer climb up, so I decided, not to waste whatever strength I had left, I tried to climb down. After a few stones, I found my strength fading fast and would be unable to make the full climb down. So I asked my friend, Berna that I'd have to let go; she'd have to belay me downwards.

Berna is used to me climbing down on the practise walls so she's not used to belaying me down. The rope wasn't tight enough and as she said that I could let go and I fell a long way down. I must've fallen about 8 to 10 feet before the rope snapped tight and I was saved from a bad injury. The shock was... well... I don't know. I was laughing, surprised at the situation I've found myself in. Amused I was still alive and scared shitless that I could've died. So Berna began to let me down and she was unaccustommed to the weight and I began to fall again and this time, it wasn't funny. I think I was too close to the ground. She let go of the release in time and then let me down and I landed on my feet. I had to jump up to save myself from falling on my ass and just looked at her in absolute disbelief.

Had I fallen wrong, I might've landed on my head. If not, the worse might've gotten me breaking a leg or something. Everything was so fast. The rush of energy just surged through me and we were laughing ecstatically in disbelief.

I could've been seriously hurt or maybe, I could've died...

And what did I think of? I thought of work.

I thought, "Shit, poor Pabsy will have to take over most of my load until they get a new segment producer. I hope I don't die..."

That was what was on my mind.

I need to go dancing again. I desperately need to go dancing again...

I'm naked, shameless and peeling back the layers like
Like an onion girl,
Don't try to save me
Just stay away `cuz I might make you cry...
-- Onion Girl, Holly Cole (written by L. Harding & J. Hull)

Did something stupid last night. Considering all the stories I've heard of people getting exploited and all that I know about these things; I put myself in a situation where things could turn that way for me. It's because I'm needy, I suppose. Not financially... just for the attention, or worse, for something a little more carnal?

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Never trust a stranger. People can say whatever they want and it could sound believable. You would never know, really... And I fell for it. Allowed someone to take advantage. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! And it's not as if I wasn't already frightened, had it at the back of my head, my intuition was hitting my hard like a hammer to my head and what did I do? I still ended up playing the game...

I had already said it, "You have me at a disadvantage..." and I didn't even listen to my own advice.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Sometimes, I guess, you just have to learn the hard way. I hope I don't get burned for this. Sometimes, you just got to be more careful and never trust a rose lying on the ground, no matter how pretty, they still have their thorns. Some games are fun to play but never take it too far; and know who you are going to be playing with. It's called topography. An army never runs to battle without prior to knowledge of the land, the enemy. Or at least, they shouldn't. Not without a plan, anyway...

*sigh* I have to be accountable for my actions. I'm prepared. God, I hope I'm ready for this...

You say good, I say you should, will you be there?
Making miracles is hard work,
Most people give up before they happen.

Maybe that's something
Maybe that's one thing more than I've seen
Maybe that's something more than nothing
-- Maybe That's Something, Sheryl Crow

I've been in contact with old friends as of late and it's been good to keep in touch with them. Some times you have to be able to look back and laugh at all that you've been through. You can't look back in anger... hey! Isn't that an Oasis song?

Last night, I found myself spending hours on end reading my old journal, the notebook, hand-written one where I really spill everything out. I was reading the entries from March 14, 2002 until June 21, 2004. I must've spent over 3 hours goign through everything I've written there.

You know what I discovered? I am not the same person I was then. Completely, totally a different person. I was such a weak, pathetic person before. I'm a little better off now. I'm more confident, tougher and more in tuned to what I need. So many entries were spent complaining how things had to change and that I've had it up to my head with certain people and the next few pages again, I was at it again. Same-old, same-old. Nothing changed for a long time. It was really sad and pathetic reading it and knowing that it was me.

The other thing that got to me was my hand-writing. It was rather legible. How cool is that? Ha Ha Ha But it was not consistent. It changes every time I change ball pen. It was funny to see; thinking it was different people making those entries.

And it is weird because it was somebody totally alien who was reading those entries but it was me.

So much has changed.

For the good things you've done; obstacles you've overcome; loves won and lost; dreams and people you continue to lust for... take a bow. They all mean you have a life! -- from my Dad

Distracted. I'm currently very distracted in trying to find a distraction in order to get my mind off certain things. It's a cycle of life, I suppose, or deep down inside, it's what I hope. There's just some sort of anxiety going on right now. So much that's about to begin, so much that has ended and I don't know where I stand.

I'm repeating myself. This strangely sounds like a previous entry. I thought everything was becoming clear but ever since that trial hosting thing, old dreams and ambitions have popped up. And then, opportunities have come my way and as I was writing for the proposal stage of that project, I found it easy to do. Again, so many things distracting me from doing the things I have to be doing.

I need a distraction from all these distractions so that I can just go back to work when all is said and done.

It's like the Eight of Cups in the tarot card. In the Universal Waite painting, it's a young boy (or girl) looking at the sky and there are 8 cups before him/her and in them are various things, magical, great things like jewels, a dragon, a flashing light, water over-flowing. The card can be interpreted many ways. In one interpretation, it's illusion. In the sky is all our wants and desires, and they can be grabbed and even the idea that it can be grabbed is an illusion. They distract us from our goal and keep us thinking about what is it that we really want.

The other interpretation is that we are presented with so much and we end up staggering, unable to choose from the many things offered.

Actually, there are so many interpretations, it all depends on the set up of the cards but those are the most occuring readings I get from that card when they come up on the spread when I read tarot.

That's how I feel right now. I'm presented with the eight cups and though it is great, I keep forgetting that I already have one and that I should be there right now, drinking from it.

I hate these moments of indecision. What is so wrong with me that I cannot be content with that which I have?

I can feel it. The Monkey is having its last laugh before the Rooster will begin to crow.

The year of the Rooster is suppose to be a good one for the Sheep/Goat, albeit a little expensive; a little on the extravagant side. Well, I don't plan to be frugal.

Right now, I'd rather just have clarity and focus.

I get up... I walk... I fall. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. -- Hillel the Elder

Today, I went on a trial hosting gig for GMA's show Fanatxt. I did a red carpet show where I interviewed the new graduates of the GMA Artist Center's Acting Workshop for Film and Television as they came out of their BMWs to the theatre where their first movie "Kilig... Pintig... Yanig" was shown.

I hated the parts where I had to do the spiels. People were watching and wondering who the hell I was which got me really conscious. My spiel was in Filipino which made things worse because I don't speak it well. I kept getting nervous and conscious and flubbing my lines and I was so conscious of my lips because they get so, so, so tense when I'm in front of the camera.

But when I was beside a star and I was interviewing them, that was great. I knew it wasn't about me. It was about them. So I could relax, I wasn't the one in focus. It felt good. That part I liked.

I am hoping that maybe the trial run would be seen favorably and they might consider me for future hosting stuff. I miss being on television.

Getting the urge to write something but I keep saying that and not really doing anything about it. I suck. I wish I could just get my ass off and start writing like I said I want to.

Wanting to write and actually facing your fears to sit down and face up to the challenge are really two different things. I gotta learn to stop being afraid. Stop being so self-conscious. It's really getting in the way...