The Flight of the Rocketman

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -- Helen Keller

Life is once again uncertain. I rush head first into a new year a little short of cash, a lot of work to do and a hazy destination in sight. This is probably going to be a fun year for me.

There's no point when it isn't challenging anymore, I guess. Why am I always looking for comfort zones. As it appears, I seem to have the knack of fucking things up when things get stable anyway, right? So let's be a little bit more a part of this chaos, of this craziness. Let's be a little more daring. Be more free.

I borrow a line from Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyen and Peter Jackson's fantastic adaptation of Lord of the Rings: "I stand at the edge of a knife." The line between safe and random and chaos is so thin I have crossed both while still on the boundary.

Here in Bacolod, I've let go and found myself in perfect enjoyment. I am in bliss. And funny to think that at the back of my head there is just so much work to do. I think I've been a little too dramatic lately. Well, I'm always dramatic. But over such tiny, tiny little things. I borrow from Kate Bush: "Let's danger it up. We're crazy enough." I want my blood to gush forth, move faster.

I want more than this. I want the experience, the sensation. This time, my goal is not material. It's experiential. Let's see what difference that makes for me.

This time, I want my life full of stories; more than ever, more than before. This coming New Year I will explode. I will burst forth.

There's no real place where you can be safe and comfortable; not anymore, not now. Everyone can find you. The world is too small. Our lifestyle has become a point where one cannot be alone. So I'll embrace it. Let's see where it takes me.

The rocket ain't on autopilot, no sir, I've got my foot on the gas pedal but no hands on the steering wheel.

Let's see where this takes me.

I'm walking through the desert
And I am not frightened although it's hot
I have all that I requested
And I do not want what I haven't got
-- I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, Sinead O'Connor

I ask God to grant me the ability to enjoy my vacation because I am going absolutely nuts and ballistic being stuck here when there is still so much work that needs to be finished back home in Manila. I have a house to move in to (and I have to find it first) and then there are segments that need to be edited and financial matters that need to be settled.

Not that I am not enjoying myself here in Bacolod, surrounded by family. I'm having a grand time. But how does one fully lose himself from the moment? How can I just conveniently let go of the fact that I've got work waiting for me and I have no choice but be home by the 1st. That's the only date I could get a ticket home for, the first of January.

There was this old ritual I had that whatever you do on the first day of the New Year is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. I don't believe in that anymore, but if I still did, it would panic me to no end because this coming year would be spent on airplanes and airports. That's not really the most pleasing of situations.

I love travel. I don't like planes.

And of course, this ruins a lot of my plans. And of course, my family says, "Stay. Have a real vacation and so on and so forth..." They mean well and it's because they love me that they want me to stay here with them. I know that. I'm an ungrateful fuck. But I'm sorry. I don't know how to just sit back and relax for longer than 2 days. I want to get back to work and I do have so much to do and it would be so inconvenient for so many people for me to just stay here. I would really, really love to get back and finish off many of my commitments.

Yes, I can see it happening now. I've become a total workaholic. There's very little chance of turning back now. The foot is lead-heavy on the gas pedal and I'm going straight on through. There's no where to go from here but forward and to that inevitable destination, whatever it may be.

The rocket is all fueled up, star maps have been thrown aside, this journey has no planned route, after all, there are wormholes that pop up from nowhere and take me to places I've never been before. No use navigating. The world changes so quickly that it doesn't help to plan too far ahead. So I'm just accelarating and just going for the stars.

The rocketman is flying again.

Season's greetings from Bacolod.

I hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas and that the spirit of gratitude is with you.

For after all, isn't Christmas the celebration of the birth of Christ? And wasn't Christ put on this Earth to save us from our sins? In other words, we are celebrating God's sacrifice of His son for our sake. This celebration is all about how much God love's us. We are loved and blessed.

In which case, Christmas is a time to be grateful for all the love that we are given and for all the love that we can give back. Isn't that what the gift-giving is all about, or should be about?

This is truly a time to celebrate. We are loved, we are blessed.

May the spirit of Christmas, joy, peace, happiness resound in your hearts today/tonight and forever after...

Without the pain there'd be no learning
Without the hurting there'd be no change
-- Constellation of the Heart, Kate Bush

Tomorrow early morning, I'll be on a plane ride to Bacolod. For the first time since October, I'll be able to get a good night's sleep. For the first time since October, I'll be able to not think about work.

Unless my brothers and cousins decide to take me out and have fun every night. Not that I mind, I miss my brothers and cousins and it would be a nice change to go out and have fun in Bacolod. I don't go out anymore and this would be a change of pace. But of course, the two little girls, the new additions to the family would be irresistable. How can I refuse to spend time with those adorable little babies?

It will be a week of family, love and tenderness. I miss that.

And then there's the problem of moving. Looks like the house of my friend is a no-show which means that I have to go out and look for a new place of my own. I bought a map of Quezon City and an issue of Buy and Sell and started looking for a house that my friends and I can occupy. When I get back from Bacolod, the first thing I have to do is go out and look for a place to stay.

Talk about a hectic way to end the year. But I guess I'm not really complaining. It's good to be busy. Busy is good.

One more loose end to fix up. One more heartbreak to put on the mantle. Another "trophy" of my being an asshole on the glass cabinet and I guess I'm ready to face the new year.

Yeah, love is all those things and more. Love makes you more selfless. So what does it mean when I can't find myself becoming selfless for this person. I don't have the desire to make myself more available. That work has been my first priority all this time and until now, it is still my first priority. I have no will to compromise, to adjust and to swerve and sway. I'm still moving ahead forward. I'm still selfish.

Honestly, I just want it done and over with so I can just keep moving on. I don't want to look back, though I want to keep the shards of this memory close to my heart, let it pierce me and hurt me so that I don't do this same mistake again. What's the use if I don't learn from it.

All knots was once a straight rope
-- Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim

I had this ritual every New Year's day. From midnight, as the New Year begins until the very last minute of the first day of the New Year, I'd be ensuring that every action I do would count because it meant, for me, that I'd be doing it for the rest of the year. I would make sure I took a nice, long shower, a sort of cleansing ritual. I'd hang out with my family and friends. I would dance. I'd write on my journal, I'd sing and write a poem or a short story. Things like that. Just to ensure that the rest of the year would be filled with that sort of activities.

I don't believe in that anymore. It's never really worked for me. It never ensured that I'd spend the rest of the year writing or dancing or spending time with my family. The world is still a horribly unpredictable place.

I'm not about to believe that I can dictate what the universe is going to throw at me next.

But this is a good year for me. So much I have learned, so many people I've met, so many people whose hearts I've touched and who has touched mine.

I can easily say I fell in love so many times this year, I've been loved, I betrayed it and will break it. I found a job I love. I worked my ass off. I moved out and sought my independence and found it. I made realisations.

I found myself, who I am today. Let's see what it will be like next year...

Advanced Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all...

How long `til my soul gets it right?
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light?
-- Galileo, by the Indigo Girls (written by Emily Saliers)

It was the Christmas party of my office last Saturday. And I've never had so much fun in an office party than that night. I felt like I belonged and I was really interested in the people that were there and making sure that I was one with the vibe. I got so drunk. I couldn't drive to the other party that I wanted to go to. When I was finally sober, ready to drive to the next party, my friend who I was to bring home passed out and we couldn't get her to the car (we were 3 floors up, she was dead weight) so I had to stay until it was almost sun up.

I was so drunk that I got the courage to sing in front of the people I work with. Of course, there was an element of request on their part (as if they didn't know I sing badly) but in the spirit of fun and team spirit, I went up there and everyone cheered and I sang.

It was one of my first singing performance in front of a crowd where it was just myself and another singer. I've sung in front of people before, but in groups. I don't remember any solo performances (or if there were, I must've blocked them from memory) and this time, it may not be solo but I had solo parts. Let's just say The Indigo Girls will never forgive me, but will probably appreciate the gusto of my performance. As they say, I have a lot of heart.

It's great to be a part of a company where you can feel at ease with who you are and just be yourself even in front of the big bosses. Everyone is nice and kind and everyone generally likes each other. It's the best Christmas party I can remember being part of, really.

Been thinking a lot about my current situation and I can't remove from thought this idea that I made a huge mistake and someone else will be paying for it. I rushed into things and now, I'm getting cold feet and I want out. I want my freedom back. I want to be in-charge of just my own feelings and not have to make my life revolve around someone else. I thought this was the kind of relationship I would be getting into. Apparently, we have different ways of looking at it. I'm still going to try and make it work, but I'm afraid that I'm already decided. But I'm keeping my mind and heart open. If I could be persuaded to think otherwise... But truth is, I just want to be free again.

I know it is possible to get into a relationship with someone where both do not make demands from each other. That we go on with our lives; our self-absorbed, ambitious lives and when we need each other, we'll be there for the other. And if there is time in our hands, we spend it together or with friends. And there will be no jealousy and no suspicions. I'm not a possessive person. I can't stand being asked constantly whether I have been faithful. I find it insulting, not sweet.

But it will take me some time to find someone like that. It's not easy. It's a tall order. I need someone tough, independent and totally self-reliant. Someone who doesn't need me to complete their own self-image.

And you may think that it's a stupid thing to ask from a relationship. A relationship without demands? I know, it sounds crazy, like wanting my cake, getting it and eating it too. But that's the only thing I can handle right now. And if that means going back to casual affairs and the simple life of touch and go, then so be it.

I will not whine about that aspect of my life anymore. I've asked for it, gotten it and threw it away. I don't have that right to whine regarding that matter anymore. Those are my rules.

But why is desire suffering? Because want leaves a world in tatters? How else but in tatters should a world be? -- Why I'm Not a Buddhist, Molly Peacock

If we were even to attempt to try and understand human nature and why we do the things we do, it would leave us in shambles. After all, everybody changes. Psychology proves that there are existing patterns. But people break them. People have successfully broken their patterns.

What's the use? When we can't even settle on one thing for ourselves? When our biggest enemy is ourselves?

If only it were so simple to just go through life and not have to apologise along the way. But we attach ourselves to people and people attach themselves to us and we end up hurting people along the way and getting hurt on our ride to some vague destination. I didn't choose to change. I didn't choose to be this way. And yet I am still responsible for the way I am.

It makes sense. I've always been an advocate of being accountable and responsible for our actions. But how unfair it seems...

God hands out our personalities out at random. I ended up being a Piscean. How unfair. The thing about Pisces is that the symbol is two fish facing opposite sides, connected by a tether at the mouth. This is suppose to show that the Piscean is a fickle person. In a way, it's true.

But it's not that they can't make up their minds. That's not true. It's not entirely fair. The Piscean falls completely in love with something and they can't get their eyes off of it. They lavish it with so much attention and appreciation like only the sensitive Piscean can. Then, in the next moment, they see something else. It seems attractive. They study it for a moment and BLAM! Everything changes. They fall in love, they lavish it with attention like only a sensitive Piscean can.

It's not that they never loved the first thing. They did. With all their heart. It's just that they are easily influenced. They are fickle, yes, but not because they can't make up their minds. It's because they have short attention spans. They value things too much, too quickly.

It's a drag really. It's how I am...

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well-preserved body but rather totally used up screaming, "Woohoo! What a ride!" -- As texted to me by my Dad from a forwarded e-mail

And what is life supposed to be like, really? Just a bunch of dreams that we are always trying to acquire and some of them you do get and the others just remain dreams, completely unattainable. My friend Anne says that the pursuit is more enjoyable than the actual acquisition. That happiness is boring. I suppose she feels more alive with the excitement of getting nearer and nearer to happiness. The excitement of almost reaching the destination but once she gets there, she'd prefer to lose it all and go to the next race.

Isn't that horrible? To know that you worked so hard for something and when you reach it, it wasn't what you thought it would/should feel like?

It's seems so pointless. It seems like what the Greeks imagined what Hades would be like. The rock that Sissyphus (was it Sissyphus?) was to constantly roll up the hill and that when he finally brought it up, it would fall down again and he would start all over.

Is that some analogy to what life is supposed to be like? Are we ever going to learn to be satisfied?

Or should I say, when will I be satisfied?

And all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
A new born hope unjaded by their years
-- Wait, Sarah McLachlan

And how does one ever become innocent again? How does one stand up against the rigid cruelty of experience to accept things willingly and with open eyes? How does one choose to look into the sun, knowing that they will never see again? I do not know how to embrace the light. Maybe there is really something to blindness. A way at choosing not to see in order not to be disillusioned.

It is really the difficulty of succumbing to the belief that we are all in charge of our lives. After you make that stand, you must take every blow that guilt throws your way. I am sure that I can survive and I can keep moving ever forward on the road of truth. I will be true to myself and to my actions, to my wants and needs and desire. But I'm afraid of all the people I've left behind, road-kill on my insensitive race for some sort of happiness.

The truth hurts, it can cut like a knife and I'm afraid that if I push through and give voice to the doubts in my head, it will be an incision straight into the heart of the other. I can be very cruel. I've said it many times. I don't know how many victims must go forth before I can finally make up my mind.

Wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
nothing yields to shelter it
-- Fear by Sarah McLachlan

Have I been so quick to let myself be fooled by that which I wanted most that I saw something else and thought it was that? Just because it shines like gold doesn't mean that it is of the same worth; of the same value.

I can break the strongest of metals. I can bend the metal beams that hold the steady roof up. And when I do, everything falls. I've survived many cataclysms and devastations but I am afraid of the scabs that tattoo my body. I am afraid that I will look at myself and not recognize the reflection before me.

But I know I will move on and I will be okay and that is what scares me. I'm afraid that it will just happen again. I need the strength to pull this through.

You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
-- Wait, Sarah McLachlan

This will end in ways that I cannot expect. There will be an exchange of words. There will be a tear. There will be a smile somewhere and there will be another sunshine. There will be a falling and bruise and a scar.

And then it will begin again.

Love is all about timing. It doesn't matter if you find the right one for you if you found them too soon or too late. -- paraphrased from Wong Kar Wai's 2046

Despite a killer schedule, I found the time to go to the movie theatre and watch Wong Kar Wai's fantastic 2046. Haven't seen it? Go. You won't find a more moving picture. It took my breath away. It was completely worth the effort. It was so riveting that despite the fact that my two friends and I still had so much work to do, we had to sit down, have some coffee and desert and just talk about the movie.

It's amazing! And no matter how good an actor Tony Leung is, there is nothing more impressive than a very good Chinese actress. Zhang Ziyi was able to stand and carry her own scene even when put in comparison to the timeless and inpecable Gong Li. Faye Wong, as well, was an absolute eye-catcher. You couldn't take your eyes off her and there was so much emotion in a look. In a movement.

I was just totally blown away.

The universe just decided to give me a break. I was afraid that if I moved out I would lose my deposit and that would mean I'd have to stay at my place until the lease expires but my landlord and a friend found a way to get out of it legally. So, it looks like I might be able to move out. So I want to move out before the New Year's. That way I can start 2005 in a new place, new frame of mind, new everything.

Interestingly enough, I find myself being pushed and pushed from the inside to do something completely for myself. It's eating me inside but it's also forcing me to explode. I think I'm ready. Ready to lock myself up in my room to write. And if I move, the savings I can make will mean I don't have to work so hard. I can let go of some of my other rackets that help keep me afloat.

It's all falling into place. I am so grateful if only I wasn't so tired. Well, I can be grateful tomorrow if I get enough sleep.

Oh, for the days when Quality was king, and we were its servants; we lost our common sense and it was fine. When we searched for Excellence! Remember Excellence? -- As texted to me by my Dad

I was having a meeting last night when one of the people at the meeting told us this interesting Chinese belief. I'll try to articulate it properly even if I don't have visual aids.

Think about a cup. Each person has a cup where they they can put money in. That money is the representation of the amount they can save or have at any given time. No matter how much they want to save more and make more, once the cup is filled, the money will overflow and that will be lost. It can be that you'll get robbed or the money falls in some hole in the floor or you misplaced it. Somehow, the universe will find a way to ensure that you only have so much money in your existence, which is in relation to that cup. Some people have large cups, those people who, whatever they get into can make money and seem to have the capacity to save in large amounts. Then there are those who have smaller cups and, it seems, no matter how hard they work and how hard they save, the money always disappears.

With that in mind, I think my cup which represents my money is a shot glass. Ha Ha Ha

It's a fantastic way of thinking about things. That, as you are born, these things are in a constant. They never really change and you are stuck with it. And yeah, it may seem unfair. That that's it. That's all you get for the rest of your life. And then, there's this idea that we have cups for different aspects of our lives. Like one for money, the other for career, the other for love. And while some people have small cups for career and money they have huge cups for love.

Don't you know those sort of people who are really lucky in love and they always seem to be getting in and out of relationships but never seem to get lucky in their career or never seem to have enough money? Then there are those types of people who always seem to win the lottery and they always seem to get into something that is very lucrative but have very unfulfilled love lives?

It almost seems that there are people who have fixed constants within the aspects of their lives.

But then, there are those people who have it all. So how does one break their cups and just accept all of it coming in full force? At unlimited rates? That's the trick. That's the way. It can be done.

How does it happen?

A true friend stabs you in the front. -- Oscar Wilde

Exhausted out of my mind, I had more work thrown at my lap and so I ended up staying late at the office the other day. A long talk with my better half and then a good long smoke outside helped me get into certain frame of mind.

I was asking myself the questions I was pondering about before. I would really love to have all that extra cash around and I'm really married to my work, to my job. So what if I lose a little bit of my privacy and solitude? I don't have much time to enjoy it anyway. All I really need is a place to crash and to leave my things and occasionally, to catch up on some Z's.

Add a new perspective to my life, I suppose, why not? Once again, learn to live with others to adjust my own personal dynamic. Right now, I want more CDs, more stuff, a car. There's so much that I want. When I think of the money I could have had all to myself had I not gone out and lived alone, I think geez, what a fool I was!

By now, my savings would have been immense, I could have bought myself a lap top, finally change all my shoes and stop using all my busted up ones. I could have afforded to go with my good friends Pau and Cathy to Malaysia. So much I could've done.

But I do not regret because if I didn't move out, I would never have. It was the sort of impetus I needed to force me to start growing up and I will admit, there was a lot of growth. I'd like to think so.

And do I want to achieve greatness? Yes, I do. Am I willing to sacrifice my way of life right now? No, I am not. I like my life. I like the fact that my friends and I spend days watching movies and talking about it and music and other people. I like the fact that I work like a donkey over a television show that I like and sort of believe in. No, I believe in it. I believe in its potential. I believe in what we can achieve with it. We can't get there with the tiny, tiny crew that we are right now but once we get a larger production crew, we can soar.

But that was the thing that really helped ease the burden that was breaking my back. I was putting too much pressure on myself. I should just let these things flow more smoothly, more naturally. In the back of my mind, I really wouldn't let it go, so I know, deep down inside, I'd still by fighting tooth and nail to get myself to produce more and to get it out there to the public. I really won't let it go. I'm just letting go of some of the drive and putting it to more practical uses like, I don't know, maybe put it to getting to sleep? He He He I need that.

I miss sleep.

All I've done, I've done for me
All you gave, you gave for free
I gave nothing in return
And there's little left of me

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
All the days I owe you
-- Days, written and performed by David Bowie

Something for me to ponder: how can I possibly achieve all that I want in my life if I won't learn to sacrifice some of the things that I love to do to buy me some time to do the things I want?

Honestly, with my busy schedule, when will I ever get to study the piano and guitar? When will I have the time to study Mandarin or Spanish? When will I have the time to write that novel in my head? Those scripts?

I won't have the time because whatever time I have, I spend listening to music, dreaming up of more possible achievements for myself. I spend all my free time with my friends, my better half and that tiny, tiny left I give to my family? And only if they ask for it. (I am so selfish)

And the problem is that I love doing these things. It helps me feel complete. It helps me feel like I'm living my life. Those moments of introspection and learning.

But the truth is, I'm merely learning. There isn't much application involved.

And there is still so much I want to do. How do I resolve the two issues? Do I stop doing the things I love doing, to pursue the lessons and the activities that will help me achieve my greater want? Afterall, these things do not just manifest on their own.

And don't say anything about time management because I don't even have the discipline to clean my room on a weekly basis. It's not within my character. I can't plan that far ahead without an impulsive action tearing that ordered structure to pieces.

It's really trying to prioritize my life. Making certain decisions, amputating routines, removing certain expectations.

I have to make some sort of decision. Do I stop dreaming so big to accommodate the way of life I am sort of enjoying now or do I continue to be true to my desire for greatness and letting go of the little things that seem to be interfering its achievement (despite how much I love those little bumps on the road)?

This is really what I have to ponder: how badly do I want to achieve greatness? What am I willing to sacrifice for it?

It's a lot to think about.

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with Spring. -- George Santayana

My back is killing me. There is a pain, a pressing point pain on my back, right beside my left shoulder blade. And we had a studio shoot and it was so cold that it just aggravated the pain. All of a sudden, things like laughing was just so painful. Taking things for granted again. Always helps to feel a little pain to remind you of what you got.

There is a house near my work that has 5 rooms and my friends are inviting me to join them in renting the place. And the rent would be at least 1/5 the price I'm paying for my studio unit right now. It's a hell of a lot to think of.

I think about the 10,000 pesos I spend on rent alone. In the past 7 months that I've been living alone and paying for my own way, I realised that I made 70,000 pesos and I never got to enjoy that money. That's a downpayment of a car! Or I could've bought myself that God damned laptop! And nowadays, I don't really live at home. I usually go home just to change. I sleep there twice or thrice a week.

But the convenience, the privacy, the intimacy, the solitude; these are the things I will be looking for. As much as I love my friends, I just know they will drive me insane. I haven't really lived harmoniously with others for a long while now. I'm so used to living alone. I'm so used to having my own space, allowing me to do whatever I please and live in whatever conditions I choose for myself.

But the savings I could make. And the convenience of living close to my friends. Instead of having to go to the far corners of this city to meet up with them, they're already there. And the savings, really, cannot be discounted. It would really help me right now that money is tight.

But I wonder how quickly the novelty of seeing my friends everyday would last... Soon enough, I'm sure we'll be driving each other nuts. And the loss of my privacy. There would be very, very little secrets left. Not that I have much to keep. But I would like that option available, right?

It's freedom. Freedom is having all the choices in the world. But when the choices, the options are taking away from you, so is your freedom. Can I handle that?

Can they handle my music playing loudly 24-7? Can they handle my pacing? My dancing? Can they handle listening to one of my new CDs everyday for the next two weeks? I can get pretty obsessive, you know.

But the savings. I really have to think this through... Isn't it time to be practical?

The pleasure is all mine
To get to be the generous one
Is the strongest stance
-- Pleasure Is All Mine by Bjork

On my way to work, I bought myself a regular yum and spaghetti meal from Jollibee so that I would have something to eat later while working. On my way up to the MRT station, I saw this child, dirty, ragged and begging and I just walked away. Struggling with my ice tea cup, I decided to give it to her. But I saw the hunger in her eyes. I've never seen a child so hungry before. I began shaking all over as I walked away. In my head I kept hearing her say "thank you, thank you" though she was too stunned to say a word. I rushed back and gave her and her younger companion (her sister maybe?) my hamburger and spaghetti. They accepted it with open arms, smiling faces but the hunger in their eyes were not satiated.

I should have felt better, should have felt ecstatic and joyous for having been in a position of generosity and found myself capable when push came to shove. But I only felt worse. Was this all we could do? Wait for the proper time when we are in excess before we can begin to give?

This is totally out of character for me, this feeling of hopelessness and this social concern. I've always been a selfish person and other people's problems are not my own unless they are someone I care about. The plight of the poor and downtrodden are none of my concern. I have enough troubles as it is trying my best to not become one of them.

I've been out of the mood lately. I'm just thinking that I'm no longer making enough to support myself. Because of the promise I made, I bought a ticket to Bacolod for Christmas but is unable to buy a ticket back. I can't afford it. I might just end up there. I might just stay there with no means except to borrow money, again, just to get back.

And to get back to what? An empty house? And I mean that literally. All my things are on the floor because I have no money to buy a cabinet. To more bills waiting? Am I to come back to my daily grind of 24-7 working, just to make it at the cut-off line from survival and poverty? And what of my dreams? The stories in my head? Are they to remain there to gather dust while I try to find time to pursue them?

Will I ever have time to pursue them?

And here I am bothering about how to pay the rent, how to keep myself fed and a return ticket to Bacolod and there is these two young, dirty, ragged girls at the steps of the MRT station, hungry, tired and cold.

I don't feel bad because I am selfish. I feel bad because someone is in worse conditions than I am and I cannot allow myself to be concerned. I am not strong enough to give up everything to fight the good fight. I don't have the sincerity to take someone else's cause as my own. I believe my power is in my ability to get messages across; to try and become an artist that people will seek out, listen to and try to learn from.

Or that is what I want from myself. Yes, in other words, I wish to practise mind control. I want everyone to hear me out. And maybe, get this message across.

If you can read this, if you can read the poems I write or the short stories I write, if you can watch the film that I hope to write and/or direct and hopefully, maybe even star in, then you are still lucky because someone out there is in worse shape.

And giving that burger and styrofoam container of spaghetti only delays the inevitable hunger that will creep in, day in and day out. How often do they get to feed in a week? To think I'm the only one who had the decency to give them something would be foolish, but there are so many others.

This is so out of character for me. I'm sorry. I'll be back to normal again by tomorrow.

Hopefully.

When in doubt give
In doubt give
-- Pleasure Is All Mine by Bjork

Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so. -- Charles de Gaulle

Bjork's Medulla is finally out. I just bought it and I can't wait to get home to hear it.

Life is really sketchy right now. The clouds ahead are hazy. The typhoon never reached its critical mass on its way here, it was barely felt and the skies are sunny and the day is hot, heavy with humidity and it's so strange because I can't seem to see the horizon. It's there right in front of me but I can't make out shapes, images. Nothing is clear.

I had a wonderful time talking to my best friend. We were there, lying on the floor of his house, He was hugging a pillow and a bean bag was on his head; I hugged a pillow with my left arm and holding a lit cigarette with my right hand.

Everything seems unclear. Everything seems so far away. Prices are going up and the higher up they go, the less time we seem to have to do the things we want to do. Our lives have become the 9 to 5 that keeps us alive and we're barely surviving. We are at a point of getting desperate.

We are no where close to where we want to be.

I'm chucking everything up to experience. And trying to get deep, trying to acquire depth and hoping that in the end, when I finally get to write that God damned book or that God damned script, it would be good. It would be powerful and moving and gut-wrenching. That it would never be forgotten.

But, I guess, the point is that it already has been written in my head. I'm ready. I got to start and I haven't. Not really. I'm just getting through the day to day.

Something's got to snap. Something's got to give. Something's got to break.

Focus my love tells me. How can I when there is so much that I want?

I have to learn to be so un-selfish.

Find out who you are, then do it on purpose. -- Dolly Parton

Well, it was suppose to be typhoon signal number 4 and so I wholed up in my friend's house to watch some dvds and laser discs and then the storm just blew away.

It just vanished.

And my friend's condominium unit is on the 31st floor and has a great view of EDSA and Makati and I was expecting to see a great flood come in and wipe everyone away from 5th floor and below. Me and my over-active imagination. Apparently, I'm a disappointed person.

Not that I wanted half of Manila submerged in water and people everywhere drowning. No, that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to see something catastrophic, cataclysmic. Something to wake me up.

Not that I wanted to be wakened up in such a morbid manner... Not that awaken requires a catastrophe, though it usually helps and not that what happened in the province and 400+ people dead is not a catastrophe.

God! I'm just so not in the mood these past few days! It takes 600 volts of electricity to get my ass moving these days. Another Christmas and I'm still trying to collect money owed to me. This is no way to go around during the Christmas season, "Hi, is my money in yet?" or "Sorry to be irritating, but can you pay me yet?"

It makes me feel so mercenary. And I don't want to be mercenary about it.

I just hate having to think about rent and the bills and everything else. I can't stop thinking that I bought a one way ticket to Bacolod for Christmas and I might not be able to make enough money for my return ticket home. What about January and my bills and rent for January?!?!

I really hate this hence the mood. And the weather ain't helping.

Wait... I'll be back... Gotta stick my finger in a socket again...