The Flight of the Rocketman

How long `til my soul gets it right?
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light?
-- Galileo, by the Indigo Girls (written by Emily Saliers)

It was the Christmas party of my office last Saturday. And I've never had so much fun in an office party than that night. I felt like I belonged and I was really interested in the people that were there and making sure that I was one with the vibe. I got so drunk. I couldn't drive to the other party that I wanted to go to. When I was finally sober, ready to drive to the next party, my friend who I was to bring home passed out and we couldn't get her to the car (we were 3 floors up, she was dead weight) so I had to stay until it was almost sun up.

I was so drunk that I got the courage to sing in front of the people I work with. Of course, there was an element of request on their part (as if they didn't know I sing badly) but in the spirit of fun and team spirit, I went up there and everyone cheered and I sang.

It was one of my first singing performance in front of a crowd where it was just myself and another singer. I've sung in front of people before, but in groups. I don't remember any solo performances (or if there were, I must've blocked them from memory) and this time, it may not be solo but I had solo parts. Let's just say The Indigo Girls will never forgive me, but will probably appreciate the gusto of my performance. As they say, I have a lot of heart.

It's great to be a part of a company where you can feel at ease with who you are and just be yourself even in front of the big bosses. Everyone is nice and kind and everyone generally likes each other. It's the best Christmas party I can remember being part of, really.

Been thinking a lot about my current situation and I can't remove from thought this idea that I made a huge mistake and someone else will be paying for it. I rushed into things and now, I'm getting cold feet and I want out. I want my freedom back. I want to be in-charge of just my own feelings and not have to make my life revolve around someone else. I thought this was the kind of relationship I would be getting into. Apparently, we have different ways of looking at it. I'm still going to try and make it work, but I'm afraid that I'm already decided. But I'm keeping my mind and heart open. If I could be persuaded to think otherwise... But truth is, I just want to be free again.

I know it is possible to get into a relationship with someone where both do not make demands from each other. That we go on with our lives; our self-absorbed, ambitious lives and when we need each other, we'll be there for the other. And if there is time in our hands, we spend it together or with friends. And there will be no jealousy and no suspicions. I'm not a possessive person. I can't stand being asked constantly whether I have been faithful. I find it insulting, not sweet.

But it will take me some time to find someone like that. It's not easy. It's a tall order. I need someone tough, independent and totally self-reliant. Someone who doesn't need me to complete their own self-image.

And you may think that it's a stupid thing to ask from a relationship. A relationship without demands? I know, it sounds crazy, like wanting my cake, getting it and eating it too. But that's the only thing I can handle right now. And if that means going back to casual affairs and the simple life of touch and go, then so be it.

I will not whine about that aspect of my life anymore. I've asked for it, gotten it and threw it away. I don't have that right to whine regarding that matter anymore. Those are my rules.