The Flight of the Rocketman

Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we're going to show. -- Mignon McLaughlin

I found myself spending most of the weekend watching dvds... again. But that's fine with me, really since I love watching dvds. I got to see the French Film Criminal Lovers by Ozon, One Missed Call, that Japanese horror-fest and a whole lot of episodes of Queer as Folk seasons 2 and 3 (my friends have become addicts) and then a little bit of the concerts that I bought. I bought Alanis Morissette's Feast on Scraps and Bjork's Vespertine, Live at the Royal Opera House.

God! I love Bjork so much. Her music is so haunting and her lyrics are so out of this world. Her music, backed with a full orchestra and the electronic wizardry of Matmos, the virtuoso skills of multi-instrumentalist Zeena Parkins and the sincerity of the Greenland choir, becomes all so much more amazing. I am in awe with her musical soul.

I also got to watch Oliver Stone's Alexander and boy was this a waste of a hundred and fifty bucks! I got to watch in the new Shangri-La cinema and while the seats are grand and the cinema enormous, the sound was inconsistent. The airconditioner was just the right temperature, not like Greenbelt theatres where the AC is set on Antartic levels. I wasn't impressed with the popcorn, though I forgot to put salt in it. Oh yeah, the movie? It was horrible.

It was basically a lazy weekend that started after work on a Saturday night and extended itself to Monday. I don't know. It seems like the Christmas season is sapping away my energy and I just don't feel like working these days. I want to see my family in Bacolod. I want to watch movies and just totally get inspired. There's a movie itching to get out. The moment I get a computer at home... BOOM!!! I'm writing a script. I want to write a script.

I don't know. It has been so cold lately. Freezing. And the rains have been making it difficult to get around.

I feel a change coming. I don't know what it will be about and who it will affect but I can feel it. There's electricity in the air. So much static electricity. I wonder what it all means...

One word frees us from all the weight and pain in life. That word is love. -- Sophocles

I've really changed. I am no longer a "going-out" kind of person. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do in those sort of situations. Before, I would rise to the occasion, now I just find myself bored out of my mind. I don't really enjoy hanging around in a crowded, noisy bar drinking over-priced beer and looking around and shouting at each other just so that your friend can hear what you are saying.

I used to love doing that. I was so into the whole see and be seen scene. But I can't do that anymore. I still enjoy dancing and getting lost in the dancefloor of some strobe lit club but unless that's what we are doing, I can't seem to properly enjoy a good night out anymore.

I really prefer hanging out with people where we can hear each other speak and the drinks aren't so expensive and you can have decent conversations. I also like the idea that you don't have to dress up and look your best; that you can just be in the clothes you were wearing at work, with a bag slung around you and meet up. I can't handle the pressure of having to look my best because I'm going out.

Side note: I always try to look my best, though even if I am just going to work. I'm such a glory hound that I can't stand not looking my best in public. But the degree has changed now and if I don't feel in the mood to be attractive, I couldn't really give a damn. But my vanity stops me from going out if that were the case. I've really changed.

I am really more comfortable with the whole coffee shop experience and completely in love with the whole going home to someone's house and chilling experience. Those are the stuff I really love to do now.

And of course, when I do find myself forced to go out and mingle at the scene, I'm the weirdest person in the world. I feel like a fish who was taught how to fly and then thrown back into the watery depths again. The idea is strange for me. It seems vaguely familiar but completely out of my frame of reference.

I guess I now live in a new reality.

I just have to consider that maybe I am getting older and the fact that I did overdid it at one point. There was a time that I would be out 4 times a week. 4 times! All that alcohol consumed, songs danced to, and people I've met and have not heard from since. It's a strange thing to have made a home in one place and then to leave it and come again and not feel like home.

Ive really changed.

P.S.
Buy Abra Moore's album Everything Changed. It is so fucking good! I am so impressed with her musical growth. I bought her second album way back in its release, Strangest Places and found it good but not particularly monumental (though I do love the songs Happiness and Summer's Ending and the second song whose name escapes me at the moment). But this new album is surely a winner. Not one song is bad or mediocre and the instrumentation is to die for. It is a great album. Get it!

After I promise to love you forever
What happens to us if I fail?
I fear that my heart is a wavering thing and
I'm scared that your heart is frail
Do I give up and just let go
Or remain, I don't know
What does this say about me?
-- About Me, written and performed by Keri Noble

For a while, I was frightened by the idea that I might've been single for too long and that I was not ready to commit, physically, to one person for the length of the relationship, which I always hope would last forever. There was a point in time I was so frightened because I felt like I just wanted to pick any random stranger and ask them to come home with me. I fought it again and again because I promised myself to never be ungrateful, to never refuse a gift and to try and make it work.

And now I've gone through the rough patch and found myself on an open field. I really feel now that I can make this relationship work.

I don't want to think that I am a victim of my desires, especially my physical desires. I mean, it is the nature of rational thought that makes us separate from animals. So, to have that whole weak affecting me just because I wanted casual, random sex with strangers, just to have a sense of freedom really frightened me. How far apart from the beasts am I really?

And the idea that sex is so... I don't know? Primal? I want to be able to be human, to be above it and to enjoy in the feelings of love. I guess, in this way, love cannot be entirely an emotion but it is also an idea. Because if love is merely an emotion, how can one even think of screwing around, right?

Well, I'm through with the rough patch and I can enjoy this feeling more now. I know that I can be safe with myself. I can trust myself and just go with the flow of my surroundings knowing that I won't fuck this up.

I've started meeting up with people I've met on-line and this time as friends. Really just as friends and the feeling is really great. I've used the internet to hook up with people (because of the simplicity and the fact that you don't have to go through all the trappings of making a good impression) and to be able to use it to find people you actually can connect with on a platonic level is amazing. It is actually very free-ing, if there is such a word.

There is no sexual tension, no expectations, no pressure to be impressive; it really is just a meeting of two people, exchanging ideas and sharing one's self. And I am so happy that I can trust myself not to take it into any other level than that.

Enter a big sigh of relief here. There is so much joy that you can derive from that feeling of security and comfort. More than anything else, the security and comfort that you can be happy with who you are as a person. That you are not some primal person that reacts by instinct and is unable to control your own desires. It is wonderful to know that you can curb your passion and actually think of the consequences and know that you don't want to have to pay the price.

Don't get me wrong, I still look around and I can't help but flirt a little. After all, I'm still son insecure son-of-a-bitch who needs a little bit of ego-boosting every 3 minutes or so. But I won't take it to the next level. I'm happy with the little scraps of attention that I get.

Because the tons of affection I get from the one who loves me (and the one I love back) is more than enough for me to get through this life. And in the end, that's all that really matters.

We learn from history that we do not learn from history. -- Georg Hegel

I just saw the most beautiful face in the whole world and it belongs to a 2 month old baby. My niece Eve is the first baby that ever made me want to pick up a baby and cradle it in my arms. I did. I was so stiff and apparently, babies can tell when someone is not comfortable or scared and they start fidgeting. My experience holding a baby was not long but fruitful.

She is just so beautiful. Literally, she is the most beautiful baby in the world. And I was just amazed by the amount of strength and trust she had for someone her age. And she's just this little baby that gurgles and laughs and makes grunting noises. But I was just so enamored by her. It was... different.

Anyone close to me knows I'm not fond of kids. But I love babies. They are just amazingly cute. And they are like The Fool in the Tarot. They are so powerful at that age. Why are they powerful? Because they have the potential to be everything. They can be anything and everything. That's power. That little bundle of joy that you cradle in your arms and coo at has the potential to be everything. It's power. It's both frightening and awe-inspiring.

It would be so cliche to talk about the innocence of a baby. I've seen so many babies in my life but this one really makes me want to talk about it. I was never so overwhelmed by it before.

I'm rendered speechless. What a beautiful baby.

Common sense mutters:
it can't be true...
But the seed has been planted,
and when has happiness ever required
much evidence to begin
its leaf-green breathing?
-- The Truro Bear, Mary Oliver

Should I go or should I stay? Apparently things are getting worse and worse and worse... The Philippines is getting bad. Money is disappearing and people are getting desperate. A friend of mine told me a story of someone at school and who was driving, had the window down because he was smoking and someone just went up to him and shot him in the head. The shooter opened the door, threw the body out and drove the car away.

You can't even drive and smoke anymore. People work and work and never get anywhere. People work and work and can't seem to balance their checkbook. People can't save anymore. Everything is just going up. Prices are getting steep. It's not easy. Life ain't easy anymore; not that it has ever been.

My better half says that we should think of moving abroad. Japan, according to my partner, pays extremely high for good production people. Whereas I am still hell-bent is spending a few years in Shanghai. I'm still Asian, I want to live in an Asian country still.

Of course, there is always America, land of milk and honey and all that crap. Sorry. I'm not a big fan of America. Everything works but so much is lost in all the processes of making money. The essence of culture seems to be missing and I'm not comfortable with that. All those law suits and the problems with the Al Queda and Osama Bin Laden. I could be working hard and all of a sudden, a plane can come crashing down on my head. I'll pass.

I love my country and I don't want to leave. But I have to open my eyes and realise that maybe I should keep an open mind about the opportunities that are at my fingertips. Modesty aside, I have a pretty impressive resume. If I can sneak in a Master's degree there, I'll be set anywhere. If only I could learn a new language, it'll all be great. My partner's life is ready to bloom.

But is this really what I want to do? I don't know yet. Soon, I'll be going to Malaysia for work. 5 days. That's going to open my eyes some more to all the possibilities out there for me.

Can I really do this? Can I just up and leave?

Can this country actually stand up and make itself work?

For this is wisdom: to love, to live, to take what fate or the gods may give; to ask no question, to make no prayer; to kiss the lips and caress the hair; speed passion's ebb as you greet its flow; to have, to hold and to let go! -- received from a text

The rains have come and they slow down my pace around this city. Funny how I used to love the rain but now I find it so irratating. Or maybe it's just the human traffic that seems to clog up the streets and walkways. Everybody is out now, taking advantage of the Christmas sales and trying their best to earn a living, make a buck and buy gifts for everyone.

They're playing Christmas songs on the malls and on the radio.

I'm hardly prepared for Christmas. I haven't been prepared for Christmas for the last 8 years.

I remember my family has always been awed by me. As a kid, I always had the capacity to save and by the time it was Christmas (or birthdays) I would take out the money I had kept and bought everyone a gift. They would be so shocked. The youngest in the family was able to give gifts like the rest of them. This young boy who hasn't read a novel (I didn't start reading books until I was 14) or can't even properly comb/brush his hair can buy gifts for his loved ones.

Soon after, I ended up working (I was 14 when I received my first paycheck as a writer) and the money was fantastic. I told my Mom to stop giving me allowance, I could afford to take care of myself. I increased my comic book subscription per month. I even paid for the snacks of my friends once a week in school. I was insanely wealthy for a teen-ager. And my parents, being liberals, allowed me to do whatever I pleased with the money. After all, it was my money and I earned it through my own efforts.

I was generous and even more so because I could afford to be generous. Then, as all things goes, the job disappeared and I no longer could live within my means.

That was really the start of it all. Ever since then, I was infected by the disease called consumerism. I know, it's a little dramatic. But ever since that day I could never really save and the compulsion to buy something that I wanted could not be resisted. If I wanted it and I have the money for it, I'll buy it, even if it means starving tomorrow.

And then, it just continued on. Gone were the days I could buy gifts for people during Christmas. And so, I never really got to enjoy Christmas that way ever again. The look of appreciation and gratitude one puts up when they receive a gift. I never got that look anymore during Christmas because I could never afford it.

I always loved Christmas because of the sentiment and the time I get to spend with my family. I love all the affection and the calling up and the cheer and joy. But it was always incomplete. I never got to give people gifts, material symbols of how I feel about them. That always stings.

I will admit, though, that when I do have money, I try to spend it and buy gifts for people. They appreciate it more since there is no special occasion to mark it. I think about some people constantly.

But Christmas is... well, I don't want to use the word expectation or obligation. At my age, people shouldn't expect gifts anymore. But it would be nice to be able to give someone something, wouldn't it? Just to let you know how you feel? On Christmas day?

But sadly enough, this year's Christmas will be the same as the past 8 years or so...

I like this resonance
It elevates me
I don't recognize myself
This is very interesting
-- Headphones, Bjork (written by Bjork and Tricky)

I just discovered that someone put up a friendster account with my name and my pictures, which they got from the internet. They put some false information there.

One: I'm no longer associated with DLSU or Blue Bottle and I have never been associated with UNESCO, Haribon Foundation or Amnesty International. I mean, c'mon, really now...

Two: I'm no longer a copywriter and I was never a graphic designer. As artistic as I try to be, I don't have very good hand-eye coordination. I can't draw to save my life, much less design anything. I believe I have good enough taste to know what's a good design and what's not; but I don't have the skills to design anything on my own.

Three: I don't want television anymore. So to put all those television shows as my "favourite" would be so wrong. The most would be Survivor or Amazing Race but I don't get to watch anymore because my schedule is so fucked up. Buffy would be appropriate because I really enjoyed the series. And I have it on tape. But please, Queer Eye? That's just trying too hard to portray me as gay.

Four: Earth, Wind and Fire? Oh please!!! I don't think I would ever listen to Earth, Wind and Fire on my own volition. It would have to be against my will. Music is extremely important to me and that person had the gall to only put three or four people on my favourite music area in the fictitious account? That's so lame.

Five: I would have written something in the "about me" section. I would never leave that blank. Hello? Duh!

Six: And in the "Who I Want to Meet" section, I would never ever, ever put "You!" I'm sorry, that's just so simple-minded. There is no possible way I would think of wanting to meet everybody. Oh please...

At one point, I'm thinking, there's a guy out there who registered the e-mail address wanggo_gallaga@yahoo.com and is e-mailing people with my name. My name. People will be receiving e-mails from me and might even think it's me. I can just imagine what kind of damage this person can try to do.

This person is chatting under my name; fooling people into thinking they are talking to me. All of a sudden, it isn't so cool, anymore. It's kinda freaky to think that someone would do that. And to think of all the things that are being said under false pretenses. The danger is just, I don't know, crazy...

I will be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear
-- Possession, Sarah McLachlan

Sarah McLachlan wrote that song based on this one particular obsessed fan who crossed the line. It frightened her how this person would stalk her and send her letters saying that they were meant to be together. He would stalk her and stuff. Do all those freaky things that stalkers do. She wrote the song to help her deal with these problems. All of a sudden, I find myself turning towards the song and hoping to deal with the problem.

I know, instinctively, that the person doesn't want to be me but wants to destroy me and discredit me. It doesn't really matter. Eventually, the truth will come out. The truth is not heavy, it will not sink. It will rise to the surface. All these things will be known, eventually and when they do, they'll know who the pathetic losers are and why they do the things they do.

Eventually, everything comes out. Everything rises to the surface. We must be ready to deal with the reflection in the mirror. We must be comfortable with who we are as people, as a person. Otherwise, we can never be happy and we can't be accountable for the things that we do. And that's sad.

It's pathetic, really.

I have learnt the simple meaning of thy whispers in flowers and sunshine. Teach me to know thy words in pain and death. -- Rabindranath Tagore

I found myself watching a DVD of Sarah McLachlan's performance for VH1's Storytellers. I'm a fan; for me to say that it was extraordinary would just be stating the obvious. I'm a subjective, biased fuck, so sue me.

But there is so much beauty in her songs and the way she sings them. In all the way she sings them; afterall, there are so many versions of any one song. There's the album version, then the different live versions and then the acoustic, stripped-down performances. In all the versions of every song of Sarah McLachlan that I've heard; she never fails to enchant me. I'm beguiled by her moving honesty, lyricism, musicality and insight.

I'm always moved by her.

I find myself longing once again to learn how to play the piano and the guitar and actually start putting the songs I've written to music. I haven't written a song in a while and there's just so much that I've been through lately that I've got to put it down. My experience in La Union is festering inside and the two short stories I've got in my head is waiting to burst. The trials and the joys of new-found love needs a voice (even though, I know, I have broached the topic so many times before). And my friendships and the inspiration I get from the many books, movies and songs that go through me everyday.

There's so much energy in this world and it has to be transformed to something solid, concrete and it must be communicated. That energy has to persist.

I'm so impressed by modern technology. How it was able to capture that energy from the Sarah McLachlan performance. Imagine if they were able to capture a Kate Bush concert? Joni Mitchell back in the 60s or even the first performances of drama during the time of Shakespeare? All that energy, that emotion, that honesty available within our fingertips?

I'm driven by this need to create again and I still have to do the daily grind and work to pay for the rent and the bills. I am not blaming my work. I love my work. I have to focus and allow myself less time for the little things and really concentrate on managing my time better.

I need this. I need this to work out for me. I need to get this out of my chest and explode.

Be drunk, always. Nothing else matters; this is our sole concern. To ease the pain as Time's dread burden weighs down upon you shoulder and crushes you to earth, you must be drunk without respite. Drunk with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please. But be drunk. -- Baudelaire

I'm back from La Union. We even took a side trip to Baguio where I went to the ukay-ukay/wag-wagan where I went bargain shopping. Found a great sweater, two nice shorts and a cool bag for work. And all for a steal, really!

We worked like dogs, Berna, my executive producer and I. But at the same time, we got an hour or two to ourselves. Got my tan. Got to jump into the beach. Went drinking on a bonfire in the evenings. It was great. I even got to see the surfing scene and now am very willing to give it a try and learn to surf.

The beach was quite inspiring. Got a germ of a story, actually, for two stories and will be writing them soon. Spent a whole hour just lying on the sand watching the stars. I'm really a city person by heart. But I can appreciate and enjoy the beauty and wonders of nature too. And for the three days that we spent; I was able to get back some things that were lost.

All of a sudden, I want to write those two short stories. I miss the process. It isn't as if I've stopped writing because of my work. Truth is, I've written more, a lot more since I've started working. Of course, it isn't literary. It really is for work. It isn't the stuff I'd like to write, really. It is all a means to a certain end. Well, hopefully. I'm hopeful and optimistic.

I'm still tired. The long drive was very taxing and the work was unbearable, really. To be in a beach and have to work; it was torture. But at least I still had a chance to jump into the beach. And I got to meet a lot of great people. The surfer crowd is really different. And for some reason, people are more sociable and friendly at the beach.

The surf season is here and will be around for awhile. Will be going back to the beach soon to learn how to surf. Will see where this all leads. Will I take to surfing? Hope so...

Do you hate him `cause he's pieces of you -- Pieces of You, Jewel Kilcher

Because of work, I'm off to La Union for the weekend. Thank God for Ramadan and the long weekends. I'll be there for awhile, shooting surfers, the beach, take a swift trip to the ukay-ukay in Baguio and shooting our hosts, being themselves and enjoying every minute of it. It's almost kind of like a working vacation, huh?

I hope I get to relax, soak up some sun and enjoy. The last two out of town trips I took because of work had me working like a dog and not being able to have fun. Well, I know it's work. And work is work. It's my new mantra. But what's two hours off; just to enjoy. The last two times I went off, my God damned producer didn't even show half the footage we shot. I hope she gets into trouble for that. Everything was sponsored, everything was paid for. I hope they come after her and remove her ovaries or something.

God, I'm evil. I took this test on the internet to determine how evil you are and I scored a whopping 79%. I'm 79% evil. Whoa! I'm almost pure evil, the test said. That's scary. Not that I take it seriously, though. It doesn't score you through frequency, intentions or motivations; just plain actions. And I guess, yes, I have done evil things. But then again, there are people out there who have done worse and continue to do worse and have no intentions of making up for it.

What I hate the most? People who won't be accountable for it. They get caught and they make up all the excuses in the world to absolve them of blame and responsibility. Cowards. People who attack others anonymously; they don't even have the courage to stand up and show their own faces. Hide behind fake names and pictures. A sign, really, of such low character. It is quite disgusting. There are people who do something bad and then say, "He/she does it too!" What I hate about that is that it really is/was their reason for doing it in the first place. Sheep. Herd. Pathetic.

You know what? We're over-populated anyway. Someone torch `em useless, pathetic sons of a bitches before they eat the food of someone who is actually doing some good for the world. Or someone who is not ashamed to be who he/she is. Accountability. It's a moral code that is sorely lacking in people these days.

*Sigh* Off to La Union in a couple of minutes. I think I need to get away from some of the chaos for a bit...

My body is as good as cash. -- Something I want to put on a tight fitting shirt and wear out

I let go last night. Gave in to the dark again. It was fun. It was great. It was the way it had always been and felt wonderful because it had been a while. As always, give it some time in between and it will be great everytime and, more importantly, you won't get lost in it. You won't start to look for it, you won't start to need it. The dark. I don't want to call it that but what else? After all, it isn't darkness. It is the exact opposite. It is a light, freeing feeling. But it is dark. No matter which way you slice it, it's dark. You get lost. It happens.

But this time I was with my better half. My better half wanted to go into the dark considering that my baby has never been in it at all. I was against it. All the way. But I wouldn't stop my baby from experiencing things. And my baby was sure. Anyway, I was there to guide, to watch, to protect.

My baby enjoyed every minute of it. Hugged me tightly and told me that I was the world.

For a while, I was having doubts. As usual, my mutant power activated. You see, my mutant power is the ability to create and manipulate drama. And that's what I did. Instead of relishing the fact that someone loves me and that I love that someone in return; I went nuts. Complaining that my baby loves me more than I love my better half. I couldn't handle the happiness. I was prepared for the hurts and the problems but not the happy moments.

I'm pretty stupid, huh? Many times, I found myself balancing on the edge, thinking of some way to get out when all I really wanted was to stay in. Lots of doubts, lots of fears. I was overwhelmed by the whole thing. Thank God I didn't do anything. I have a clear conscience on this one.

Because of my better half exploring the darkness; I found myself taking care, nurturing, fulfilling myself in my baby's needs. All of a sudden, once again, I found myself the stronger one. And in that reversal I found peace. At this point, there were no fears, no doubts. I've been through worse shit and, I realise, my baby has gone through shit too. We will be equals. I give weight to my better half as my better half gives me value.

My baby is my cocaine. One whiff and I feel confidence, sure, excited, energized.

No fears, no doubts. I walk on unafraid. Things are going to be different. I will make this work.

Look at everything as though you were seeing it for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be glorious! -- As texted to me by my Dad

Got to watch The Incredibles today and I was so pleased. I enjoyed the movie greatly! It appealed completely to my childhood fantasy of wanting to become a super-hero, as well as appealing to my sensibilities as a grown-up who is looking for intelligent comedy with a heart. It's all of that and more. The moment the movie ended, I wanted to stay on my seat and watch it again. It was sooo cool. I love the film.

I even liked the music. It was James Bond type orchestra music; the 1980's James Bond films with Sean Connery. It was amazing music.

And yes, guys, I used to be a comic geek when I was growing up. I used to collect comic books and follow their stories religiously. I was also the type of person to write letters and send them over hoping my letter would be printed at the back of the comic. Slowly, as I grew up, my taste in comic books were growing steadily as well until I just out-grew them completely. But I went through the phase and many times, my head was filled of these fantasies of me having super powers.

Isn't that a great dream? The ability to fly. To feel the wind through your hair and the caressing your face. Or being super strong, carrying heavy loads all over the place. Being able to leap; knowing that no weight is too heavy for you to lift. How about reading minds and knowing that no one can keep any secret away from you? The ability to turn intangible? To know that you will never, ever be imprisoned?

This whole concept of having special powers, I don't know but it is just the idea of being able to do amazing and great things. Things that are out of the ordinary. It really excites me. It is one of my little childhood fantasies that I never got to let go of... I may not read comics anymore but I still carry that fantasy in my head. I get lost in it some times.

Now, a little more often because of the movie. Watch it, guys! It's great fun!

I have to be very grateful. Many people texted me, sending their regrets over what I had written on a previous entry. Thank you very much for your concern. It was very sweet and thoughtful of everybody.

Undoubtedly, I am happy to say that everything is fine. Everything is back to normal. It was a lie, all the breaking up and the words in text and hushed responses to my queries. My better half was forced and coerced into going back to the former lover. My better half's former lover is a psychotic good for nothing excrement and if I only know that's schizo's name, I'd be in jail tomorrow for homicide... if I got caught.

It sounds dramatic, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it is very true. Over threat of violence and maybe even worse, my better half buckled under the pressure and submitted.

It would have been nice to step up and gave our relationship some sense of dignity rather than to slink back into shadows. But I'm not ready to lose so early in the game; and not when I have waited for so long. So slink back into the shadows I go. I waited 7 years. I can wait 7 more.

Nobody promised any of us that it would be easy. All they implied was that it will be worth it. I'm counting on that.

I hold on to the faith and courage that has brought me this far. It will bring me farther along the way, maybe, even all the way. And I know, that if it isn't enough; my friends and family will give me rest and stop the time and then cheer me on when I'm ready to run again and finish the course.

It's the stuff of fairy tales and fiction. But they were all true before they were written. I believe in that. Just because you never saw it happen doesn't mean it didn't. It just means that somebody else did. And whether that makes you lucky or unlucky, it depends on the circumstance, now doesn't it?

I didn't think that I was playing for anybody's sympathy when I wrote the previous journal entry. I was merely stating a fact and making some sort of disclaimer should my mood alter significantly after that. I realised, this space I've crafted here has been an outlet for me and a sort of drama machine (borrowing from Sugarfree, the title of their latest album) and hey! that's my perogative, right? But if at any time, I feel like I've been courting for some sympathy, then I'll say so. Because I don't deserve any. I don't think anyone really does. After all, there are no victims in this world. We are the summation of every action that we've chosen to do. We suffer the consequences just like everybody else.

All I want, I suppose is some sense of... I don't know the word? Is it attention? Yes, that's for sure. I want the attention. I want the audience and the spectacle. One day, there will be a play based on me, and it will be monologues and little sketches acted out. The Drama Queen Relinquishes His Throne, will be it's title.

It will be very funny.

And just like that... It's over.

I didn't think I was going to be the type of person who got dumped through a text message. I thought, at the very least, I deserved to be told in person.

There's just no dignity in that. How do you pick up the pieces? We talked, for sure. I texted back. But since it seems that the other has no intention of coming back to me; all I have is the memory of receiving that text.

Just like that... It's over.

I watch the cars out on the streets in the rain
Years and years are floating past
Boats and wounds and dreams and hopes and me
Where did I go?
-- Hiroshima, written and performed by Cynthia Alexander

After many weeks, I finally got to watch a movie in a movie theatre again. It was bliss. Unfortunately, the movie was disappointing. I watched The Forgotten with the fantastic Julianne Moore. The movie was forgettable. Julianne Moore, fortunately, will not be affected by how bad the movie was. It was a great premise. Very promising. But the movie had no direction. The director had no way of keeping the elements together. The movie didn't know if it wanted to be science fiction or if it wanted to be a horror/thriller or if it wanted to be a drama. It went all these places thus left us detached from the movie. It was sad. It could have been good.

But Julianne Moore was excellent, as always. But then again, I want to write a movie for her, so I might be a little biased.

But it was great to go out and just watch a movie and then have coffee with my friends and just talk and joke around a bit. It was nice and relaxing and helped a lot.

Time stands still for no one. It moves and flows and like the ocean tide, it cannot be stopped. So we must make do with the time that we have. Use it up and never let it go to waste. Make sure that every moment is spent well... Never forget to enjoy the moments. Make it worth it. Never give yourself a chance to regret. Never regret.

Can't wait for The Incredibles. It looks really funny and I'm sure it's going to be a blast to watch. So I hope it meets up to the promise of its trailer.

My feeling about technique in art is that it has the same value as technique in lovemaking. That is to say, heartful ineptitude has its charm and so has heartless skill, but what you really want is passionate virtuosity. -- John Barth

I can't believe Bjork's Medulla hasn't arrived yet. I asked the people at Music One and they told me that MCA Universal doesn't know whether they will be distributing the album or if she has a new international distributor. I am going nuts! I want that album!

Back to the rhythm of work, back to letting go of little pleasures in exchange for business or should I say busy-ness.

I did some extremely self-centered things last night while waiting for an editing machine to open up. I looked for the websites where my name comes out on google and yahoo. How embarrassing to admit but it's true. And I found my name coming up on several blogs. It's nice to be mentioned, some by people I don't even know.

How self-centered of me, huh?

My point, being though, is the amount of blogs out there and, more over, the amount of Filipino blogs that are out there... There are so many! So many articulate, eloquent Filipinos who have something to say. It's astounding. I'm actually amazed. I would think that my race would be more conservative, be more... I don't know... reserved?

And it's all out there; all these stories. Ripe for the picking. I usually enter the net just to check my mail, billboard once a week for my music news, my blog and Connexion. That's usually it. But now, the treasure trove of blogs, of available reading material is unbelievable.

Thank God I just recently finished my book... There's a lot more to read out there on virtual space for the moment and will give me some time to bring up my bank account before I go off to buy a new book...

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. The most successful people are the ones who turned their fears into talents. -- Goethe

I've been able to rest, finally. I was able to spend time with my parents and just pretty much laze around. It was pretty cool considering the fact that I've been on my feet for a week and a half without rest. It was all about work. It was great, but so was just lying about and enjoying the day. In a way, I was able to sit back, relax and enjoy the fact that I'm working hard. It's kinda hard to appreciate something when you are knee deep in it. Sometimes, you have to step out of something to be able to enjoy it. I was able to do that. I'm ready to work again.

And in a way, my problem about the choices with which work I need to do has been chosen for me. I have been working and working at GMA that the other production company could not stand my absence and has transferred the work to someone else. I would never have known if they didn't transfer the work to my friend who I referred to them. She felt it might be a sore topic or a matter of some stress if I found out that I've been, pretty much, fired and the job was given to her. After all, she got the job because of me. But it wasn't really a problem for me. I'm glad they did it. I know she can do a better job.

I will admit, I've not been very professional with the whole thing. It was unfair and unprofessional of me. And I admit it and I am sorry. I feel guilty. I wish I could have had the balls to say "no." I could do it but I wanted my cake and to eat it too. Funny, I still don't understand what that means, really. But anyway, I'm just glad that it is over and that I can make my choices better now.

Full-tilt boogie and away I go into this new life I'm forging for myself.

Oh, by the way, I finished reading Oryx and Crake and it was lovely. I can't wait for the next book that I will pick up and read...