The Flight of the Rocketman

For this is wisdom: to love, to live, to take what fate or the gods may give; to ask no question, to make no prayer; to kiss the lips and caress the hair; speed passion's ebb as you greet its flow; to have, to hold and to let go! -- received from a text

The rains have come and they slow down my pace around this city. Funny how I used to love the rain but now I find it so irratating. Or maybe it's just the human traffic that seems to clog up the streets and walkways. Everybody is out now, taking advantage of the Christmas sales and trying their best to earn a living, make a buck and buy gifts for everyone.

They're playing Christmas songs on the malls and on the radio.

I'm hardly prepared for Christmas. I haven't been prepared for Christmas for the last 8 years.

I remember my family has always been awed by me. As a kid, I always had the capacity to save and by the time it was Christmas (or birthdays) I would take out the money I had kept and bought everyone a gift. They would be so shocked. The youngest in the family was able to give gifts like the rest of them. This young boy who hasn't read a novel (I didn't start reading books until I was 14) or can't even properly comb/brush his hair can buy gifts for his loved ones.

Soon after, I ended up working (I was 14 when I received my first paycheck as a writer) and the money was fantastic. I told my Mom to stop giving me allowance, I could afford to take care of myself. I increased my comic book subscription per month. I even paid for the snacks of my friends once a week in school. I was insanely wealthy for a teen-ager. And my parents, being liberals, allowed me to do whatever I pleased with the money. After all, it was my money and I earned it through my own efforts.

I was generous and even more so because I could afford to be generous. Then, as all things goes, the job disappeared and I no longer could live within my means.

That was really the start of it all. Ever since then, I was infected by the disease called consumerism. I know, it's a little dramatic. But ever since that day I could never really save and the compulsion to buy something that I wanted could not be resisted. If I wanted it and I have the money for it, I'll buy it, even if it means starving tomorrow.

And then, it just continued on. Gone were the days I could buy gifts for people during Christmas. And so, I never really got to enjoy Christmas that way ever again. The look of appreciation and gratitude one puts up when they receive a gift. I never got that look anymore during Christmas because I could never afford it.

I always loved Christmas because of the sentiment and the time I get to spend with my family. I love all the affection and the calling up and the cheer and joy. But it was always incomplete. I never got to give people gifts, material symbols of how I feel about them. That always stings.

I will admit, though, that when I do have money, I try to spend it and buy gifts for people. They appreciate it more since there is no special occasion to mark it. I think about some people constantly.

But Christmas is... well, I don't want to use the word expectation or obligation. At my age, people shouldn't expect gifts anymore. But it would be nice to be able to give someone something, wouldn't it? Just to let you know how you feel? On Christmas day?

But sadly enough, this year's Christmas will be the same as the past 8 years or so...