The Flight of the Rocketman

After I promise to love you forever
What happens to us if I fail?
I fear that my heart is a wavering thing and
I'm scared that your heart is frail
Do I give up and just let go
Or remain, I don't know
What does this say about me?
-- About Me, written and performed by Keri Noble

For a while, I was frightened by the idea that I might've been single for too long and that I was not ready to commit, physically, to one person for the length of the relationship, which I always hope would last forever. There was a point in time I was so frightened because I felt like I just wanted to pick any random stranger and ask them to come home with me. I fought it again and again because I promised myself to never be ungrateful, to never refuse a gift and to try and make it work.

And now I've gone through the rough patch and found myself on an open field. I really feel now that I can make this relationship work.

I don't want to think that I am a victim of my desires, especially my physical desires. I mean, it is the nature of rational thought that makes us separate from animals. So, to have that whole weak affecting me just because I wanted casual, random sex with strangers, just to have a sense of freedom really frightened me. How far apart from the beasts am I really?

And the idea that sex is so... I don't know? Primal? I want to be able to be human, to be above it and to enjoy in the feelings of love. I guess, in this way, love cannot be entirely an emotion but it is also an idea. Because if love is merely an emotion, how can one even think of screwing around, right?

Well, I'm through with the rough patch and I can enjoy this feeling more now. I know that I can be safe with myself. I can trust myself and just go with the flow of my surroundings knowing that I won't fuck this up.

I've started meeting up with people I've met on-line and this time as friends. Really just as friends and the feeling is really great. I've used the internet to hook up with people (because of the simplicity and the fact that you don't have to go through all the trappings of making a good impression) and to be able to use it to find people you actually can connect with on a platonic level is amazing. It is actually very free-ing, if there is such a word.

There is no sexual tension, no expectations, no pressure to be impressive; it really is just a meeting of two people, exchanging ideas and sharing one's self. And I am so happy that I can trust myself not to take it into any other level than that.

Enter a big sigh of relief here. There is so much joy that you can derive from that feeling of security and comfort. More than anything else, the security and comfort that you can be happy with who you are as a person. That you are not some primal person that reacts by instinct and is unable to control your own desires. It is wonderful to know that you can curb your passion and actually think of the consequences and know that you don't want to have to pay the price.

Don't get me wrong, I still look around and I can't help but flirt a little. After all, I'm still son insecure son-of-a-bitch who needs a little bit of ego-boosting every 3 minutes or so. But I won't take it to the next level. I'm happy with the little scraps of attention that I get.

Because the tons of affection I get from the one who loves me (and the one I love back) is more than enough for me to get through this life. And in the end, that's all that really matters.