The Flight of the Rocketman

Without the pain there'd be no learning
Without the hurting there'd be no change
-- Constellation of the Heart, Kate Bush

Tomorrow early morning, I'll be on a plane ride to Bacolod. For the first time since October, I'll be able to get a good night's sleep. For the first time since October, I'll be able to not think about work.

Unless my brothers and cousins decide to take me out and have fun every night. Not that I mind, I miss my brothers and cousins and it would be a nice change to go out and have fun in Bacolod. I don't go out anymore and this would be a change of pace. But of course, the two little girls, the new additions to the family would be irresistable. How can I refuse to spend time with those adorable little babies?

It will be a week of family, love and tenderness. I miss that.

And then there's the problem of moving. Looks like the house of my friend is a no-show which means that I have to go out and look for a new place of my own. I bought a map of Quezon City and an issue of Buy and Sell and started looking for a house that my friends and I can occupy. When I get back from Bacolod, the first thing I have to do is go out and look for a place to stay.

Talk about a hectic way to end the year. But I guess I'm not really complaining. It's good to be busy. Busy is good.

One more loose end to fix up. One more heartbreak to put on the mantle. Another "trophy" of my being an asshole on the glass cabinet and I guess I'm ready to face the new year.

Yeah, love is all those things and more. Love makes you more selfless. So what does it mean when I can't find myself becoming selfless for this person. I don't have the desire to make myself more available. That work has been my first priority all this time and until now, it is still my first priority. I have no will to compromise, to adjust and to swerve and sway. I'm still moving ahead forward. I'm still selfish.

Honestly, I just want it done and over with so I can just keep moving on. I don't want to look back, though I want to keep the shards of this memory close to my heart, let it pierce me and hurt me so that I don't do this same mistake again. What's the use if I don't learn from it.

All knots was once a straight rope
-- Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim

I had this ritual every New Year's day. From midnight, as the New Year begins until the very last minute of the first day of the New Year, I'd be ensuring that every action I do would count because it meant, for me, that I'd be doing it for the rest of the year. I would make sure I took a nice, long shower, a sort of cleansing ritual. I'd hang out with my family and friends. I would dance. I'd write on my journal, I'd sing and write a poem or a short story. Things like that. Just to ensure that the rest of the year would be filled with that sort of activities.

I don't believe in that anymore. It's never really worked for me. It never ensured that I'd spend the rest of the year writing or dancing or spending time with my family. The world is still a horribly unpredictable place.

I'm not about to believe that I can dictate what the universe is going to throw at me next.

But this is a good year for me. So much I have learned, so many people I've met, so many people whose hearts I've touched and who has touched mine.

I can easily say I fell in love so many times this year, I've been loved, I betrayed it and will break it. I found a job I love. I worked my ass off. I moved out and sought my independence and found it. I made realisations.

I found myself, who I am today. Let's see what it will be like next year...

Advanced Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all...