The Flight of the Rocketman

First I dream my painting, then I paint my dream -- Vincent Van Goh

I have discovered that I am at my most happiest when I am working. When I am a productive member of society, I am at my best. When I produce something and it serves the purpose that it was made for, I am fine. I am good. Life is good when I am busy with work.

Does this make me a workaholic? I don't know. Maybe? All I know is that I am happy about it. I am happy about that fact that I can earn my space in this world. I know that I am a part of this civilization, of this world. That the little ripples that I make in this ocean we call life, becomes part of the waves that crash upon the tides of history. They maybe tiny and insignificant when seen from the whole perspective of history, I have yet to make something of monumental proportions but the point is, somewhere there, I know I'm making my way and trying my best to continue making the world turn.

And so I throw myself at my work and enjoy every little minute of it. The quandary that grabs me by the throat is that I am torn between making more money doing projects I don't like or making less money working on a television show I believe in, and in an environment that is fun and creative and conducive to creative work.

But that doesn't have to be solved now. Right now, I would just love to enjoy the glow and aura of work. Bathe in it.

I had a pretty good Halloween party. Went to Cream in Makati and all of my friends and I went as army people. It was my first time to ever wear a sleeveless shirt in public (or in a party, at least) and I had eye-liner marks under my eyes, making it look like I was a camouflage unit, but I think it ended up looking more like the ones American football players have under their eyes, rather than a special forces thing. But it felt great. And I danced crazy, realising I've haven't danced in a long time. So it was fun and grand.

I loved it. It was great.

I just wonder why some people don't have the will power to say no to certain things. It was a promise and it was broken and I found myself pretty much alone (except for my partner and 2 friends that I had pretty much just met that night). Everybody else was somewhere else, in another plane. There were promises that were made. In a funny way, there was a pact that was made. It all disappeared. It only takes one person, you know? And the rest will follow. But I didn't. I found strength elsewhere. I was able to take it from the love that came, it came from the person dancing beside me. It filled me; gave me focus and strength. And I knew I didn't have to let go to have fun. I could just dance and dance and that was a high on its own accord. And I did get high on it, dancing, feeling good, feeling like I looked good.

And that got me through. I'll hold on to that strength. I'm in a good place now. I can't risk losing it to the darkness. The darkness feels good, yes, but it can get confusing and you can end up losing your way. I don't want to lose my way again.

The biggest blessing came when I realized that the more I love the so-called dark parts of me, the happier I become. The more I am ok with being angry, confused, vengeful, attached -- all those bad, insecure, self-hating aspects -- the better I feel. Some people think, if I push negative thoughts away I'll be happy. But I don't know anyone who's happy when they're pushing away parts of themselves. -- Alanis Morissette (from Insider, July 2004)

I haven't slept yet really. Lots of work to be done. Lately, it's starting to sound like some stupid excuse and the thing is, it's not. I really have decided to take up so much work and trade in a normal life and a social life for a life married to my work. I've seen less and less of my friends and even less of my love, who happens to live very far away. So much for the honeymoon stage, sorry sweetie, but I got to bring home the bacon, even if we ain't living together yet...

It's so easy to look at this as creating some sort of stable foundation for a future when I don't even know how long we'll last. Of course, I'm hoping for the best and the love we have for each other makes us want to make sure this lasts forever. But then, I have been a staunt promoter that everything changes. I just hope that we change together, adapt and grow alongside each other. That this becomes one of the things our humanity will battle against and will fight against. It took me seven years to find this love and I am not going to just let it go so easily and without a fight.

But here I go mouthing off things that are totally incongruent to anything significant as of the moment. It's a self-centered thing, please excuse me.

Right now, reading Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake which I so intelligently left behind at home so instead of reading while waiting for my editor to finish the segment, I'm here on the internet trying to occupy myself and failing miserably, I've discovered that I am once again getting my writer's itch which can only be scratched by writing a short story or a poem. Something I haven't done in a very long time. And I want to make sure it's a poem and not a song. And I want to make sure it's a short story and not a movie synopsis.

I've been so glued to my job, the novelty is wearing off (not that I am no longer enjoying it) but the blissful feelings attached are slowly fading away and to regain it, I feel I must distract myself once more.

After all, this is my job, not my life. And I know how easily the two can merge and be mistaken for the other. I can't help but be who I am, which is someone who defines himself through his work and his productivity. It's something I am trying to let go of; but the fear of unemployment and the inability to pay my bills loom over me and I do not want to have to go through that again.

So until my bank account reaches a level that I am comfortable with, this is the life I choose to lead. And later on, when I've reached a point where people look for me by name and pay me huge amounts of money for the things that go into my head, I can sit back and relax a little bit and start to enjoy the fruits of my labour.

But at this moment, I'm still planting trees... And that's okay, as long as I don't faint from exhaustion.

"Imagination," said Crake. "Men can imagine their own deaths, they can see them coming, and the mere thought of impending death acts like an aphrodisiac. A dog or a rabbit doesn't behave like that. Take birds -- in a lean season they cut down on the eggs, or they won't mate at all. They put their energy into staying alive themselves until times get better. But human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else, some new version of themselves, and live on forever."

"As a species we're doomed by hope, then?"

"You could call it hope. That, or desperation."

"But we're doomed without hope, as well," said Jimmy.

"Only as individuals," said Crake cheerfully.
-- Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood

There's nothing like talking to someone, exchanging ideas and learning more and more about the world. Seeing through other people's eyes and seeing things you've never seen before. Or better yet, looking at something and realising that you've seen it before but now, you're seeing it differently, like for the first time.

With so many people in the world, how can you not want to take the risk and get to know somebody? Especially people who've travelled their world and seen so many different things? Things I might never get a chance to see. And so when someone offers me a chance to get to know them, to talk to them, I'll take it.

But of course, there are some people, who, after a couple of sentences have proven to be more of a nuisance than a subject of interest. Some people refuse to open their eyes and takes everything for granted. There are people out there who have nothing new to share about the world. The herd. I hate the herd.

There are some people who actually choose to become part of the herd but still keep a personal, individual point of view. If you can break down their barriers, prove that they have nothing to be cautious about when dealing with you, then you can pierce through the veneer and begin learning.

But some people aren't even worth it. They are too simple minded and closed to experience things and see thigns differently. Some people have chosen to let television and music and fashion and trends think for them and tell them how they should act. The herd. I hate the herd.

I've said before that I'd rather spend an hour talking to an asshole who has a world view than a good person who has none. There is a joke where people complain about a certain person but that person is always treated well because he or she is good-looking. Beauty is its own reward they say and is always deserving of forgiveness. Ha Ha Ha Funny joke.

But I've found the company of liars, thieves and prostitutes of more substance than many saints because they had to find some form of rationalisation to why they do the things they do. That level of introspection has earned them some level of depth. And it is that level that I seek in others.

Some people are disturbed by the arrogance of certain people because they are rich and proud and vain and self-centered, but if they have something sensible to say, I'm all ears and willing to listen. I won't fool myself into thinking they are nice, but I know enough to sit down and listen and try to learn. Rather than sit down with a priest and listen to the same spiel over and over again. The company may be more desirable, so to speak, but if I wanted a lecture, I'd rather go to my Mom. Or I'd read the bible. Thank you very much.

Depth. It's what I also want for myself and I try to find it in others. I'm not the kind of person who will suffer much. I am blessed with a family who loves me and will take care of me and catch me if I fall. Friends will do that for me too, I believe. And sometimes, pain and desperation leads to a level of depth, when you do not take things for granted. When you question everything.

And that's why I am so friendly at the beginning. That's why I am so interested at the start. Because I want to know what you've been through, what you are going through, where you've been and where you are going and how you plan to get there. These are the things that interest me.

That's what I am looking for in terms of connection...

And why I wrote all this down, I have no idea. This is apropos to nothing in particular and is no way a justification to any one person or any one particular situation. It just came out.

But I must say I am enjoying Oryx and Crake very much and the lines I got from the book are just fabulous, makes my head spin and wonder what the hell did Margaret Atwood have to go through to have the insight to write those fabulous sentences...

This weary world of ours, sure has a lot of woes, and I offer you, my friend, the words of a delusionary old warrior from a time long gone: Dios que da la llaga, da la medicina. (God who renders the wound, sends the medicine) -- from Don Quixote, Miguel De Cervantes

What is it that I want right now? I'm thinking up of saving for my trip to India next year or should I save up for a car?

Let's count the chickens before the eggs even hatch shall we?

I want to buy a phone. A good phone, that motorola phone that's made for the party person, the raver inside all of us. I like the idea that it plays music really well... A music phone. I wanted the music phone of Nokia but I find it a little too bulky. But if I had a lot of money, I want a flip open phone. So that I can get to use a smaller phone. I don't like bulky phones in my pants. Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Isn't that horrible? Ugh! I prefer them smaller. But not too small so I can still text without difficulty.

I want to buy a car. Honestly, and this might be such a geeky thing to say, but I want a Hyundai Matrix. I don't know. I think it is the cutest thing. A car where I can put all my friends, but still relatively small. But I'll probably end up getting a sedan, if ever. Probably a Mitsubishi Lancer or a Toyota Corolla. They're dependable. And the second-hand ones are cheap and easy to maintain, I suppose. But since I'm counting chickens before the eggs were lain, I'm going for some cool SUV type. That's the real me, well, it's the car that I will feel really cool in. Something like a Ford Explorer or a Grand Cherokee. Now that's my car, I guess.

I want a laptop. A laptop that has a webcam, those microphones where I can talk on yahoo messenger and I can record music and it's fast and has a CD burner. I want that.

I want to take up piano and guitar lessons and buy a good guitar and keyboard at home.

I want to spruce up my CD collection and then start on a DVD collection.

I want to buy drawstring pants from British India. And then buy really cool sandals. And really nice, loose shirts from British India, so that every once in a while, I can go out and have this whole beach atmosphere to me. Yeah, I'd like it for people to see me as someone who is very beach-y. He He He

I want to take up Mandarin lessons and really learn.

I want to travel. I want to go all over Asia. See India, Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia and a lot more of China.

I also want to take up Capoeira.

*Sigh* All the things I want right now... So much demands, so little cash...

But I am working on it. I'm working hard for it...

Memory is great as long as you don't have to deal with the past. -- from Before Sunset, screenplay by Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy

Right now, I'm reading Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake and enjoying it. Actually, as long as I am reading again I'm happy. I haven't read anything in a while, busy with work, dealing with drama and getting over things. But I'm glad to be back to reading. Despite all the books that I have that I haven't read yet, I had to buy a new book to get me started again. I wish her book The Blind Assassin was available. I kinda like the sound of that one, but right now, I miss reading any work by anything of Margaret Atwood's calibre. She's amazing.

I hope to one day have the patience to read and finish Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek because it seems like a very lovely book. But I can never seem to get past page 20 or so. The book moves so slowly, idyllic in word and pacing, it has a tendency to linger on certain spots. I wish to be able to get through it. I fell in love with her book For the Time Being which is absolutely amazing. That book really affected me greatly. I was actually quite depressed for a while and afterwards, all I wanted to write were essays. But that has left me, obviously; opting to write scripts instead. Merging the written word with the visual arts. That's my thing right now.

I haven't written a poem in such a long while. I want to. I want to exercise my old muscles; get back to my old mental sports, if you will. I haven't written a short story in a bit as well. Everything I see, listen and experience, I try to filter through my head as a possible movie. I have to go back to my roots. I am a writer, first and foremost. It will be a while before I can become a director.

It's always good to go back. I go back and read my old journals once in a while. I laugh at the idea of the things I went through and how I used to see the world. I've kept a journal since 1999. It's been relatively updated except for some missing periods -- months when I didn't have the energy to write down what was going on and long periods of time when I didn't want to record the going ons in my life. I wonder what will happen to those moments? Do they just disappear? Sometimes, I remember these things better than the other people who were in the moment; especially since I write it down the day after. It allows me really keep the moment.

But do we really want to keep the moment and remember it exactly as it was? Isn't the power of memory in the ability to reshape it to the way we want it? To remember certain things the way we prefer it to be? Isn't illusion the better option sometimes?

Or is the cold hard truth always the better option? Is the truth, in all its rough edges that can wound and re-open scabs and scars better for us at all times?

But then again, that is taking for granted that all memories are about pain... Which is so not true. But then again, we always remember the painful memories with much clarity and in greater detail whereas the fun moments in our lives are always remembered in sketchy detail, in fuzzy blurs of action and laughter; almost like passing visions. I feel that this is the human condition, a survival instinct, to remember that which gives us pain in greater clarity to allow us a better opportunity to avoid it in future times.

Take it all in, I say. The good, the bad and the ugly, the strange and the familiar, the routine and the spontaneous moments of joy and surprise; take it all in and keep it in your hearts for as long as you can. Shape it to what you have to make it, to how it can best serve you. Fool yourself if you must. I'd rather live my whole life attached to things, moments and experiences, taking life on heart first, swan dive. I love being attached to things. I love being attached to life. I won't give myself any leeway; I will make the most of this life and feel everything fully, completely. The hurt and the pain, the laughter and the joy.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, that's the way I want to live my life.

Post Script: Watch Before Sunset it's a gorgeous, gorgeous film. Intelligent, witty, clever and technically superior. It's gripping and engaging. *sigh* Just watch it.

Oh, lots of things happen to folks. Sicknes or bein' poor and hungry even -- bein' old and afeard to die. That's the way it is -- cradle to the grave. And you can stand it. There's one way. You gotta be hearty... You cain't deserve the sweet and tender things in life less'n you're tough. -- from Oklahoma! by Oscar and Hammerstein

Still got of work to do. I fear I might be running out of steam and there's still so much looming there in the horizon but I've got to steel myself and keep going forward. All this is good for me. I am losing time to do simple things and I don't seem to have the time to just sit back and enjoy what's going on around me; but there'll be plenty of time to do that later on. I'm just glad I've got all this work and that I can still manage to pay my rent and put food in my `fridge.

The last thing I want to be is ungrateful.

Right now, what's on my mind is whether I should move out or do I keep on living alone. 3 of my friends have offered to get a house and we all live together and share expenses. I'm thinking whether that is really a great option or not. So far, it seems like I can manage on my own. Will living in with my friends make things easier for me in the long run?

What I like about living alone is that I can just be myself and not have to worry or be considerate of other people's feelings. I like the idea that when I'm in a bad mood or feeling crazy, I can stay alone at home and not have anyone else affected by my strange behaviour. I like the fact that if I don't feel like cleaning up the place, I don't have to. I can always put that off tomorrow when I'm feeling more up to it. Since no one has to see the mess that's there, I don't feel rushed or hurried to clean up. One thing, I love to listen to my music loud.

But if I live with other people, I have to always be aware of their presence and if they are feeling bad or need someone to talk to, I might be bothered or disturbed. I always need some time alone and I might not always get that with them. There is no more place for me to hide. No one can say "Wanggo's not home," when I really am because there's no witnesses to prove where I am. But if I live with my friends and I'm locked up in my room and somebody asks if I am there, people can say that "Wanggo is in his room."

I think that living with friends would be great in the sense that when I do get my need for connection, there will always be someone to talk to and I wouldn't have to feel so alone and that I get to share expenses like rent, utilities and stuff. We would share food and everything... But I think that it's light-weight in terms of having my own privacy. After all, I'm no longer single; where could we possibly be alone? And my friends are not loner types, we might have people, strange people, strangers, coming in all the time. That's kind of freaky as well...

Now that I'm actually putting all this down in writing, it makes more sense for me to stay alone... The cons outweigh the pros of living with my friends. But then again, I've always been so easily swayed by them. If they push me hard enough, it would be hard for me to make a case not to live with them.

I don't know. At least I don't have to make that decision now. My lease expires on May, so I have all that time to make a sort of decision. The truth is, I still love living in condominiums. I love the security and the small space to take care of. I don't know how meticulous I could be with a huge space such as a house. It's a lot to maintain.

But we haven't discussed it yet in full. I'd have to see the terms. As friends, it sounds like a good idea but we really should get to sit down and find out if there are house rules that need to be established.

I'll wait until more information comes my way before deciding on this. It is a huge step, after all and I really have to keep my mind focused on my work...

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. -- W.H. Auden

There's nothing like a tiring day at work, but satisfied to know that you've done a pretty okay job. In fact, it feels great to have gone the distance and really took that extra mile to do everything well and good and the best you could given the circumstance. May I repeat myself? I really love and believe in this new show I'm working on.

There's a launch party at Eastwood, Libis this coming Saturday (Oct. 23, 2004), 8pm. It's the launch of TXTube! It's going to be great fun! Lots of cool things to do, great bands and a lot of prizes to be given away... Go and enjoy yourselves!

Ha Ha Ha Shameless plugging on my part. But hell, this is my space in virtual reality, I play by my rules here...

I spent most of the day with my two hosts and we were just talking and talking. Truth is, they were doing most of the talking and I was just listening; fascinated with the stories they have to tell. Those are moments that I treasure, when my eyes are opened to the other possibilities of this world. I end up seeing the world in a different light. I've lived my life in such a straight path -- in the sense that I totally focus my whole being into whatever it is I am into at the moment. I miss out on the other things.

I heard stories about things that I never even thought I would ever know about -- stuff like fraternaties and stuff. I heard stories about violence and about people I never knew existed; people who act and think like characters in movies. They actually exist. And there is probably more ways to look at those stories; different perspectives that would be unbelievably jaw-dropping.

I love people and the stories they have to share and the way they share them. It's just absolutely amazing. I'm humbled by the many different people that surround me. I am encouraged and inspired.

It never ends... Learning and moving forward and growing. Just open your eyes. There's so much to see...

News is something somebody doesn't want printed; all else is advertising. -- William Randolph Hearst

I asked the universe for work. I worked hard to show people that I wanted to work. I sent out my resume and ask people if they knew of anything that I could do for them. And now, I'm working again and the work load is heavy, the monetary compensation is not enough for the amount of work I'll be doing in the coming weeks...

But I'm not complaining. More than that, I'm extremely happy. I'm glad to be working. And in fact, I love the job that I'm doing. I'm segment producer of a brand new show that will be airing next week and I believe in my show. I think it's fun, edgy and refreshing. I like it. I think it's a good show and I'm proud to be part of it.

In fact, even if I'm not getting paid enough (in my opinion), I don't mind at all because I believe in the show. I believe in what I am doing. I have faith that this show will entertain, if not inform, its audience. And there is nothing more important than loving your work and believing in what you do.

I mean, work is work but it is something you'll probably be doing for the rest of your life. If you don't enjoy it, why do it? Because it gives you lots of money? You'll be spending all that money on ways to keep you happy and to fool you into thinking that your life is okay. But if you don't like your job, you will never be okay. You will always have something to complain and whine about. But if you love what you are doing and get paid for it, you'll be happier. I believe that. I know that. I've been through it.

Work is work. It's become my mantra now. I love keeping busy. I love it when I'm being productive. I love being able to earn my space in this world. There is no level of fulfillment greater than knowing that you are making your own space in this world through your own actions, your own efforts. This is my life now and I embrace it. No more getting lost in the woods trying to figure out what it is I was meant to do or what seems great and fun. I know what is fun for me. I know what is important to me. This is important to me. Working in television is important to me. Working in the field of media is important to me. I love it.

This is where I am at. I truly hope that everyone finds what is it that is important to them and that they will have a chance to do it all their lives, until they die or they no longer want to work.

Nice going operational fly in a brave space. Your mind is on the line. Coy saints like trivial farces and hazy places. Now lay down your strain put your breeze on. Confy in your reason now and speak out her name. -- She Likes Pine, sung by Marie Frank and written by Nikolaj Grandjean

Work is starting to pile up again. Cycles of life. Everything is picking up. As the Chinese horoscope says, on the year of the Monkey, the Monkey likes to give blessing to the tender Sheep or Goat but he likes to play around too. And that, the Monkey has done in full force - the blessings and playing around. But I am grateful. It is a very good year.

I've met a great set of friends, people I am truly happy to be with. People I can be emotionally honest with, people who shares same interests and people who deal with me in the levels that I like to be dealt with. Their company is like that of family. My family is great, getting better and getting bigger. Two nieces in this year alone! Wow! I'm getting further and further along with work and I've found love.

By the next week, Bjork's album will be released internationally and that's something for me to celebrate too. I love Bjork. I read a review that Bjork's latest album, Medulla, is not so much an electronic experimentation of music like Bjork's last two studio albums, Vespertine and Homogenic but a vocal experimentation of sound. Most of the melody and rhythm is created by voices. Wow! Now that is something to be very excited about. I can't wait for it.

This is the way it should've been for a long while now. I've had 3 to 4 years of making really bad decisions. I'd like to think I've suffered the consequences of making them. I can't say that I was not well informed about the choices I made. I knew a lot of them had dire consequences and I did them thinking that they were the right choices to make at the time. I chose to do what I wanted to rather than what I should've. I suffered.

But I've paid my dues and I've worked for where I am now. I believed and I never stopped hoping and dreaming. It happens for everone. Everyone deserves happiness no matter what they've done and who they are.

That's just what I know.

Ah, the direct approach! I love that from a man with a mask... -- The Penguin from Batman Returns

I always try to be honest, straight-forward and upfront with people. It really is the best way to live; it keeps things simple. It keeps the complications away. I don't have to deal with so much bull-shit and I don't have to remember and keep track of mine, if I always try to remain honest and true. It's really the best way to go about my life. It keeps me away from having to keep feeling guilty about being able to look someone in the eye. I could, even if I was in the wrong. I would feel guilty if I have done something wrong to that person, but that doesn't stop me from looking the person in the eye anyway.

Now that I'm together with someone, now that I am committed (hehehe, I'm still giggling over that fact), I can't help but be scared about every little thing that enters my mind because I feel like I have to share what comes into my head. I want to be open and transparent but don't I have to be sensitive over the other person's feelings?

I guess it is all about adjusting and finding each other's boundaries.

I cannot help but stress the fact that I've been single for 7 years. As much as I feel ready to deal with any of the problems that come up regarding relationships, I forgot about the other stuff like sharing and opening up. I was so focused on problem-solving and compromise. I forgot to take a look at the good stuff of a relationship. The sharing and the mushy talks... The never-ending kissing and the constantly praising of each other.

It's mushy and corny but give me a break, barely two weeks have passed. We are still loving every inch of each other's being. As ennui said, the rocketman has found his elusive bliss. I am enjoying myself. I am so happy!

So be gentle if you please, because your hand is in my hair but my heart is in your teeth, baby, and that makes me want to make you near me always -- Near You Always, Jewel

I have been absent as of late. My mind is in the clouds, my heart has jumped and is somewhere between Milky Way and beyond. I am in euphoric bliss. I am beside myself with joy.

I am in a place I have not been before.

7 years of waiting, searching, and holding on. I took risks and fell on my face, nose bleeding, questions in my heart and tears falling to the floor. 7 years of waiting, searching and holding on. My best friend told me to believe and to never give up on hope. It's the only power we have left, he said, and don't let them take it away from us.

I didn't let them take it away from me, Jayps. And I hit my mark. I found the one that makes my heart rush, the one I want near me always.

7 years of getting it right. I finally got it right. It happened to me. Lightning struck and I'm reeling from the energy of the electricity rushing through my body.

I could fly if I didn't have to stay here on Earth.

We talk a great deal about being governed by mind, by intellect, in this boastful days of ours; but as a matter of fact, I don't believe that one man out of a thousand is governed by his mind. Men, no matter what their training, are governed by their passions. -- President Woodrow Wilson

Now I know what it feels like to starve. I am not literally starving, but I know what it feels to scramble for money. What I really hate is having to ask for money; I don't care if they owe it to me, it's payment for work done. I just can't take it. I don't want to be a person seen as money-focused. I don't want to be a person regarded as someone all about money.

But show me someone who can live without money. And here I am now, living alone and fending for myself and I have no money to pay for rent. I can't stand it. I was so rich and now I'm back to being poor. Feast then famine, feast then famine. Cycle of life. It's all ecology. Someone else somewhere in the world is receiving a run of good luck. It is the inter-relationship of the world and every living thing in it.

I've come to accept that. It is no longer my time. So I have to make do with what I have.

Today, on my way to look for more work, I saw a double rainbow on a magenta sky. It was 5:30 in the afternoon and the sun was setting. The pollution turned the air into a bright magenta and there, coming out of the clouds, a double rainbow. There was a large one with all 7 colours seen and a tiny one with only 2 colours seen. It was a gorgeous sight. I couldn't help but smile. I haven't seen a rainbow in a very long time.

I don't know, it was so beautiful it looked like a sign of hope. I'm hopeful again.

Wisdom is oftentimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar. Often our defeats leave up wiser than our triumphs. -- William Wordsworth

And no matter how hard I try to avoid the world of love, I find myself always crashing deep down into it. There is really no escape. Is this a human thing? Or is this something that plagues only those who wish to travel the road of art?

I tried to find some peace with the idea that I am currently not in love with anybody and then I find myself caught in another ideal. I find myself comforted in the arms of another. I find myself staring into the eyes of someone new and this person makes me feel safe, loved. Sometimes I feel needed. I travel far to be with this person. And I don't know if I am completed or I complete the missing piece but there is this feeling of wholeness to this situation. It's strange.

I am constantly ragged on by wiser people to not fall so quickly. After all, not a full week has passed and how often have I seen this person? Not a lot... And yet, already, I know. And this is the same place I've been many times before and still I charged into it as if I don't have scars to bear. As if the scabs have already fallen away and healed; which is not the case.

But once again, I rush into the fray unafraid. I take the chances. It's all worth it.

Well we climbed that mountain and we got so high, and on the wings of an angel we took to the sky, out there on the ledge love dares us to try, baby, some people fall and some people fly. -- Some People Fall, Some People Fly, written by Matraca Berg and Randy Scruggs

And as much as I want to take this slow, I cannot. I find myself constantly drawn into the depths of danger. Everything in my body screams "Danger" and "Red Alert" and I continue to move on. It takes every bit of my being to stop, to restrain myself from saying what it is that I feel. I want to shout to the world that I have a love in my heart again. I want to shout to the world the name that makes me quiver.

And the world seems so exciting again and full of promise and hope. All of a sudden I don't have a cynical, jaded view to share. I just want to hold this person and let this person hold me and exude the sense of calm, peace and serenity in the embrace.

Once again, there is so much to lose; but as always, there is so much to gain. That is why I never hold back and why I always take chances. I don't remember what I've said before, but I guess, in this way, I am a gambler.

And I always gamble everything I've got. I'm not afraid. I want to tell this person how I feel but maybe it is not the time. I don't know. I really don't know...

There is no form and no manner of expression in regards to love that is not true or inappropriate. -- taken from Conversations with God

And so if I find myself within the walled city of my country's past and waiting, hungry and tired and without sleep in efforts to support this person's life, I'll do it. If I take the long journey to this person's home for the longed-for embrace and sweet kiss, why not?

There is no manner of expression that is inappropriate when it comes to love. How beautiful is that?

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was. -- Irish Proverb

Watch the film Stranger Than Paradise by Jarmusch. What a fabulous film! It is completely sparse in everything. Sparse camera movements, sparse dialogue, sparse production design... sparse everything! But it is so chock-full of meaning; it is powerful and beautiful. This is really a true example of beauty in simplicity.

I have been so enamored lately with verbose dialogue and flowing camera movements, lush colours and extravagant production design. I've become accustommed to wit and clever composition (in terms of production design and camera work) that seeing Stranger Than Paradise was really very powerful in all respects. It's amazing.

It once again pushes me to do something. It inspires me. Watch it. It's amazing!

You can never compete with something in the past with memory. We love what we can't have and we can't have what we love. -- Wong Kar Wai

I feel like I'm bouncing back from my long fall into an abyss. I won't call it "the abyss" but it was a pretty deep chasm and, looking back in hindsight, I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for so long. What's the use of all the strength I gained in the past months if I would just let it go when I needed it the most?

Though it looks like things will be a little tight financially, I'm more than ready to start pushing all my creative energies outward. I really want to direct my first short film. I don't think I can be any more ready than I am now. It's time to spread my wings and fall or fly. The longer I wait, I feel that it will be inevitable that I would fall because my wings have grown tired waiting to spread out and capture the wind.

I recognise now where I am and its time to stretch, to be more daring, to be more courage and out there. If not now, when?

People travel to wonder at the heights of the mountains, at the vast compass of the ocean, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. -- St. Augustine

Strike two. Almost five years ago, I showed one of my short stories to my father and he told me that my writing is good but my dialogue sucks. Just yesterday, I was once again told that my writing is good but I can't write dialogue to save my life. It's a point of pride of mine that when it comes to writing, I seem to have some skill or talent in regards to structure, pacing and plot. Those are my strengths as a writer; I am good when it comes to putting the story together. But apparently, I have no ability to give these characters voice.

It comes strangely to my father for someone so articulate and who expresses himself as often as I do that I would be so lacking in ability to write decent dialogue. But he always cuts through the fog and saw that the major problem is that most of my friends or almost all the people I choose to deal with are articulate and are very capable of expressing themselves well. And an added insight that I gleaned was that I always deal with people in a way that requires no bullshit. I try to bring out this level of dealing with each other as honestly and as straight-forward as possible.

And because of that, most of the dialogue that enters my everyday world is filled with precise articulation and honesty, which apparently does not equate to a common reality. Not everybody says what they mean, not everybody means what they say.

In effect, I have to go out of my way to speak to many different kinds of people and try to make them deal with me the way they deal with others. I listen very closely to what people say and immediately analyze what it is they want to tell me and then take it as if that is what they say. I have to learn to start listening to what people are saying and leave the analysis, the rationalization for just myself. Hold on to the words. Hold on to how they say it. Maybe then I can learn to absorb it into my own writing.

What made my father proud of me was the fact that I took what people have said and was willing to grow. He was afraid that I would rest on the compliments I have already received and think that I was already good enough. He was so happy to notice that I took these criticisms very seriously and that I was willing to learn and I was more than willing to grow. He was happy that I was not willing to be mediocre.

He also said that I talk tough but I produce very little. I talk a good talk and I know my stuff but I don't seem to have the work to prove it. I was always a fast writer. I could write a full draft in 2 days time. But the time in-between work is the problem. I don't produce enough.

One thing I have always believed in was that there is no such thing as a writer's block. There is no such thing as an artist's block. Inspiration is everywhere and the truth is, what is your real motivation to create? That should be enough to drive you to do well and to continue to produce. And if you run out of ideas, well, I believe I had written in a previous entry that there are so many stories out there. There are so many pictures waiting to be taken. You just have to get off your ass and walk around and take it all in. That's fuel enough for a pretty big fire, if you ask me.

So what really happened with the script that I was working on that I couldn't write? I let the world around me swallow me. I allowed losing my television shows consume me and I allowed it to put me down when there was work to be done. I began to think of "real things" like rent money and paying my phone bills get in the way of my writing.

In those two hours that I was staring at the computer, no work was done. And it wasn't as if I could've done anything about my situation anyway! I shouldn't have let the thought linger. Since there was nothing I could do about it, I should've just written that God damned script.

But anyway, the worse is through and I have seen a part of myself that needs to be worked on and I will work on it. I will work harder to make myself better.

I had told a friend in an e-mail conversation that we will always be found wanting more or in excess during self-examination. But that doesn't mean we have to stop examining our selves. Just because we are completely subjective (no matter what we do, read Edward Said's essays on Orientalism to understand this concept more) doesn't mean that self-examination has no real purpose. As long as you know that maybe you are being too easy or too hard on yourself, you'll be fine.

And then get a second opinion. And then, the important part, take what you learned and begin applying it. Move on.

A lot of things I have thought about these past two days. One thing is for sure: I won't stop writing. I'm taking more and more steps to my goal. There will be ups and downs but the world is not a flat surface. We all knew that since we were children. It's the same world that we are living in. The only difference is how we see things as time moves on.

Isn't that the whole point?

To believe your own thoughts, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I spent the whole day with my friends. They stayed over at my place and we just talked and drank and just had a really good time enjoying each other's company. When we woke up, we all found ourselves with nothing to do (no work for us freelancers today) so off we went to explore the city we live in.

For some of us, it was exploration, we went to places we've never been to before. For others, it was rediscovery. After all, when traveling, a place is never the same twice...

So we went to these amazing places... And being with people who are creative and into media as well, we all so the potentials of movies scenes. We looked at the places and talked about possible scenes - shots, lighting, dialogue and music. It was amazing. Someone had brought a camera so we were able to shoot some stuff and see the structures of the buildings and places.

It is amazing to see the city that you live in in a new light. To think that I have lived here all my life and take certain things for granted... It amazes me how there are so many different people in this world doing different things and if we never stop to think about straying from the path that we always lead and actually do it; I would never have had the chance to see these people and see another way of life.

I've really been thinking about my lifestyle and wondering if it really is for me. I spent the whole day looking at the city, places I don't usually go to and found myself a well spring of ideas. New stories that never occurred to me to write. I didn't think I was a part of that world and I realised I am, if only in a little way. If only in the periphery.

I was writing to a friend of mine and told him that there is so much beauty in the world (a line taken from American Beauty) and all we really have to do is look and go away from that which we see everyday. I don't believe in writer's block. I don't believe in a lapse of creative energy. When one feels this, all they have to do is change their routine. Go out of their way to experience something new and all that energy will return. It happened to me today.

And all that conversation, the stories and the energy of my friends that we shared with each other. It's amazing. It made my day. I didn't know days could be like this. I had dream and wanted it for a while and now that it actually happened... I am amazed at my own capacity for courage.

I wish I could have days like this once every week.

Mondays are meshed with Tuesdays
And the week with the whole year.
Time can't be cut with your weary scissors
And all the names of the day are washed out by the waters of night.
-- Pablo Neruda (as texted to me by a friend)

There are moments when it seems I have all the time of the world and find myself with nothing to do. These are the moments when I put on a CD and just sing along to music and just absorb every sound, tone, pitch that the music sends out. I absorb the words and dance, sway, sing along to what I hear. These are the moments I allow myself to dream.

Then, there are moments when it seems I have no time at all to do anything. Work piles up, scripts must be written, meetings to attend to from across the city, people calling and asking for my time and these are the days I move from one job to the next, trying desperately to hear the music in my head.

Music really is the only release; my only escape.

I hate those moments when it seems that there are so many things that must be done and I always find myself in a position where it all depends on me and I cannot just transfer the load to someone else. This may sound immodest, but I have a tendency to make myself indispensible. Did I spell that right? I don't think I did...

Anyway... And these are the times that are bad for me. I can't help it. I enjoy being needed. It helps cure me of my insecurities. Of course, the problem becomes the amount of things people need from me, sometimes. It gets over-whelming. I hate that overwhelming feeling. Like I can't breathe and I don't know what to do next. And it is the exact opposite feeling of being indispensible. Because you know that one person who needs you will not be satisfied and that feeling sucks. It hurts. It is absolute pain. I can't stand that feeling. I hate it.

Time management? I don't know how. I am hardly a structured person. I go crazy when I'm hit with a semblance of order. I prefer chaos. It makes more sense to me.

I'm that kind of person whose table is a mess but can find anything in less than a minute. I jsut move that piece of paper there and those keys over there and move that notebook to one side and then BLAM! The document I was looking for is in my hands.

There is this question I like to ask people: is the universe an ordered, structured place and it is us, humans, who make the world chaotic? Or is the world a chaotic, disordered place and do humans try their best to put order and structure to it?

I believe the world is a chaotic place, filled with random occurrences and constant change. It is us humans who try to fit everything into some sort of recognizable category. But how can the undeniable maxim "there are always exceptions to the rule" hold true if the world is structured and ordered. If something always manages to slip, if something always manages to break away from the structure -- it can't be all that structured, can it?

It may not be some huge mess that we expect chaos to be. It just jumps out in little moments. But it can't be all that ordered.

And I don't know why it makes me feel more secured to know/think that. I feel safer and in better hands knowing that this world really isn't as controlled or as structured as we think or hope it is.

Maybe I like that idea because it tells me to not be such a control-freak, to let go and to be more open to the spontaneous and the unnatural; because spontanaeity (sp?) is natural. The random is natural. And there is nothing wrong with that.