The Flight of the Rocketman

People travel to wonder at the heights of the mountains, at the vast compass of the ocean, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. -- St. Augustine

Strike two. Almost five years ago, I showed one of my short stories to my father and he told me that my writing is good but my dialogue sucks. Just yesterday, I was once again told that my writing is good but I can't write dialogue to save my life. It's a point of pride of mine that when it comes to writing, I seem to have some skill or talent in regards to structure, pacing and plot. Those are my strengths as a writer; I am good when it comes to putting the story together. But apparently, I have no ability to give these characters voice.

It comes strangely to my father for someone so articulate and who expresses himself as often as I do that I would be so lacking in ability to write decent dialogue. But he always cuts through the fog and saw that the major problem is that most of my friends or almost all the people I choose to deal with are articulate and are very capable of expressing themselves well. And an added insight that I gleaned was that I always deal with people in a way that requires no bullshit. I try to bring out this level of dealing with each other as honestly and as straight-forward as possible.

And because of that, most of the dialogue that enters my everyday world is filled with precise articulation and honesty, which apparently does not equate to a common reality. Not everybody says what they mean, not everybody means what they say.

In effect, I have to go out of my way to speak to many different kinds of people and try to make them deal with me the way they deal with others. I listen very closely to what people say and immediately analyze what it is they want to tell me and then take it as if that is what they say. I have to learn to start listening to what people are saying and leave the analysis, the rationalization for just myself. Hold on to the words. Hold on to how they say it. Maybe then I can learn to absorb it into my own writing.

What made my father proud of me was the fact that I took what people have said and was willing to grow. He was afraid that I would rest on the compliments I have already received and think that I was already good enough. He was so happy to notice that I took these criticisms very seriously and that I was willing to learn and I was more than willing to grow. He was happy that I was not willing to be mediocre.

He also said that I talk tough but I produce very little. I talk a good talk and I know my stuff but I don't seem to have the work to prove it. I was always a fast writer. I could write a full draft in 2 days time. But the time in-between work is the problem. I don't produce enough.

One thing I have always believed in was that there is no such thing as a writer's block. There is no such thing as an artist's block. Inspiration is everywhere and the truth is, what is your real motivation to create? That should be enough to drive you to do well and to continue to produce. And if you run out of ideas, well, I believe I had written in a previous entry that there are so many stories out there. There are so many pictures waiting to be taken. You just have to get off your ass and walk around and take it all in. That's fuel enough for a pretty big fire, if you ask me.

So what really happened with the script that I was working on that I couldn't write? I let the world around me swallow me. I allowed losing my television shows consume me and I allowed it to put me down when there was work to be done. I began to think of "real things" like rent money and paying my phone bills get in the way of my writing.

In those two hours that I was staring at the computer, no work was done. And it wasn't as if I could've done anything about my situation anyway! I shouldn't have let the thought linger. Since there was nothing I could do about it, I should've just written that God damned script.

But anyway, the worse is through and I have seen a part of myself that needs to be worked on and I will work on it. I will work harder to make myself better.

I had told a friend in an e-mail conversation that we will always be found wanting more or in excess during self-examination. But that doesn't mean we have to stop examining our selves. Just because we are completely subjective (no matter what we do, read Edward Said's essays on Orientalism to understand this concept more) doesn't mean that self-examination has no real purpose. As long as you know that maybe you are being too easy or too hard on yourself, you'll be fine.

And then get a second opinion. And then, the important part, take what you learned and begin applying it. Move on.

A lot of things I have thought about these past two days. One thing is for sure: I won't stop writing. I'm taking more and more steps to my goal. There will be ups and downs but the world is not a flat surface. We all knew that since we were children. It's the same world that we are living in. The only difference is how we see things as time moves on.

Isn't that the whole point?