The Flight of the Rocketman

Memory is great as long as you don't have to deal with the past. -- from Before Sunset, screenplay by Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy

Right now, I'm reading Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake and enjoying it. Actually, as long as I am reading again I'm happy. I haven't read anything in a while, busy with work, dealing with drama and getting over things. But I'm glad to be back to reading. Despite all the books that I have that I haven't read yet, I had to buy a new book to get me started again. I wish her book The Blind Assassin was available. I kinda like the sound of that one, but right now, I miss reading any work by anything of Margaret Atwood's calibre. She's amazing.

I hope to one day have the patience to read and finish Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek because it seems like a very lovely book. But I can never seem to get past page 20 or so. The book moves so slowly, idyllic in word and pacing, it has a tendency to linger on certain spots. I wish to be able to get through it. I fell in love with her book For the Time Being which is absolutely amazing. That book really affected me greatly. I was actually quite depressed for a while and afterwards, all I wanted to write were essays. But that has left me, obviously; opting to write scripts instead. Merging the written word with the visual arts. That's my thing right now.

I haven't written a poem in such a long while. I want to. I want to exercise my old muscles; get back to my old mental sports, if you will. I haven't written a short story in a bit as well. Everything I see, listen and experience, I try to filter through my head as a possible movie. I have to go back to my roots. I am a writer, first and foremost. It will be a while before I can become a director.

It's always good to go back. I go back and read my old journals once in a while. I laugh at the idea of the things I went through and how I used to see the world. I've kept a journal since 1999. It's been relatively updated except for some missing periods -- months when I didn't have the energy to write down what was going on and long periods of time when I didn't want to record the going ons in my life. I wonder what will happen to those moments? Do they just disappear? Sometimes, I remember these things better than the other people who were in the moment; especially since I write it down the day after. It allows me really keep the moment.

But do we really want to keep the moment and remember it exactly as it was? Isn't the power of memory in the ability to reshape it to the way we want it? To remember certain things the way we prefer it to be? Isn't illusion the better option sometimes?

Or is the cold hard truth always the better option? Is the truth, in all its rough edges that can wound and re-open scabs and scars better for us at all times?

But then again, that is taking for granted that all memories are about pain... Which is so not true. But then again, we always remember the painful memories with much clarity and in greater detail whereas the fun moments in our lives are always remembered in sketchy detail, in fuzzy blurs of action and laughter; almost like passing visions. I feel that this is the human condition, a survival instinct, to remember that which gives us pain in greater clarity to allow us a better opportunity to avoid it in future times.

Take it all in, I say. The good, the bad and the ugly, the strange and the familiar, the routine and the spontaneous moments of joy and surprise; take it all in and keep it in your hearts for as long as you can. Shape it to what you have to make it, to how it can best serve you. Fool yourself if you must. I'd rather live my whole life attached to things, moments and experiences, taking life on heart first, swan dive. I love being attached to things. I love being attached to life. I won't give myself any leeway; I will make the most of this life and feel everything fully, completely. The hurt and the pain, the laughter and the joy.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, that's the way I want to live my life.

Post Script: Watch Before Sunset it's a gorgeous, gorgeous film. Intelligent, witty, clever and technically superior. It's gripping and engaging. *sigh* Just watch it.