The Flight of the Rocketman

I was about to start with "I've never worked so much in my life..." but that ain't true. I have. I've been a busy bee since I was 14, after all... I'm used to work. I've been writin since I was in High School, it comes so easily to me.

In a way, it is great when you know that you are good at something. I'm not saying that I'm the best writer in the world. Believe me, I'm not. I'm not consistent in my work. When I'm good, I'm really good. But when I'm uninspired... well, suffice to say, so is my writing.

But at least it comes easy to me. I can work on the spot and I can justify most of my work. I know what I'm doing. Almost immediately, I can figure out useful symbolism and can build a story from a sketch of a character, no matter how minimal. I can relate it immediately to reality. Or, I can work on surrealism and bring it out of reality to better portray a sort of parody or parrarrel.

I'm really proud of that skill. It comes easily to me. So I am so glad that I am good at something and not like other people who don't know what they are good at. I see people who have such great talents but they don't realise it and they just let it waste away. It's such a shame.

Then there are those people that I see who have no interest in work or in doing something and they end up lost, walking around with so much bitterness. It's sad. They don't have an interest. They don't want to do anything. They just want to sit around and watch TV. It saddens me. It is such a waste, really...

But what am I to do. I just have to do the best that I can and be the best I can be. I don't ever want to be called ungrateful. I don't ever want to say I wasted my life. It's such a sad thing to say. I can write. And I will. I may try to pursue other things but in the end... at the end of my journey, I will look back and it will be measured by all that I did plus all that I have written.

And then I know that the journey was worth it. No matter where I end up.

"Peace is not God's gift to the human race, it is our gift to one another." -- Ellie Wiesel

If the above quote is true, then peace of mind is the gift we give ourselves. I'm just so super-charged right now. I got hit by a pure jolt of creative energy. In fact, I forgot I still had work to do and I went straight to writing this short film for a friend of mine, my director of the short film I did. We do short films for fun, creative outlets to forget our day to day lives of paying bills, saving money in the bank and whatever we have to do to survive. I finished the script in a matter of 2 hours, I guess, give or take since he came by and we had a long conversation about many things.

And I finished the script and now I can't wait. I just want to do more. I can't read a book because I feel like I won't stop reading until the sun comes up and that won't do. I have to be at work by 1. I can't watch a movie, my Mom and brother are having their long talks about life and everything else that is in-between that. They haven't done it in a long time (or they have and I was just not aware) but it is like some bond mother and son share. I always see them talking like that, before when we lived in a house, they were at the dining table, smoking. Now, they are at my Mom's breakfast nook, still smoking. Some things never change. I will always be glad of that.

And of course, I can't watch a movie. I can't write because if I do, I will never get to work on that thing I have to do. (Funny, I don't consider this writing... well, it isn't really, this comes easy to me) and then I can't go out because, well, it's a Monday. Who's out on a Monday? And it's raining. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and stuff for that.

But despite all the little things that you will never be sure of and all the things that don't make you happy, there are so many other things in the world that balances everything out. Is this some naive little thing to say? I'll never be sure. This is my reality. I can only really talk about what I know to be true.

To a particular someone: I feel so much for you but you are young, quite young. I've prepared for the time when you will need more than what I can give or when you start looking for the things that I can't. There are many things about you that I want to change, to develop, to improve and I know that to be wrong. You are not mine. What I have to remember is that I am not yours, either. I wish that it would be different. But I take my cues from you. Between the both of us, you are the stronger one, the one who knows where everything stands. But I know I'm the wiser one, not that you aren't wise, but there is just so much more that I know, for the sake that I am much older. I've seen a lot of things that you will never see. You have seen a lot. You've been through a lot, I don't discount that. But they are things I don't have to see because I know that I won't be going there, I don't have to. I do the things that must be done. You do the things you want to do and you say "fuck everybody else." One day I will have the courage to ask what I am exactly to you because I will not go through life like this, not knowing what I am to you. And if that means letting you go, then I will. Because I always had had to let go. You can't have everything that you want. That's a lesson I have learned. Especially in this world where all you really need is yourself.

Peace of mind is a gift you give to yourself. No one else can give it to you.

"Delight in another person is only a reflection of what you have suddenly remembered in yourself" -- Rumi

Goodness... pardom me because I am quite drunk. Haha Working like a dog for the past week, I'm in a different kind of bliss. A kind of bliss where nothing can distract you, nothing can touch you because you are so busy with work. It is wonderful. It is a great kind of experience. It's liberating. It is something that I haven't done in such a long, long time. And for someone like me, who likes to be busy, it really is a different kind of bliss.

So going to Halo tonight was really a great way of enjoying a week that was everything that I wanted it to be. I got to dance again which I haven't done in such a long time. I mean, really dance. And I got to enjoy good company despite all the baggage that hangs in the air. But it's okay. Because I decided not to bring the baggage with me and I had a great time. We were able to enjoy each other's company and not ask the questions that didn't need to be asked. Why bother, right? Obviously things won't be the same... so it won't be the same. We pick up and move on. It's great.

And I got to do something I never thought I'd do. I spoke to a complete stranger. What can I do? The person was really, really attractive and I just felt like I had to. And I did. And I introduced myself and got this person's name and who knows what is going to happen, right? Maybe I might get lucky and on the flip side, I won't get lucky. Who gives a shit! I'm just glad that I was able to do it. As Kurt Vonnegut says, "Do one thing everyday that scares you." And I did and you know what? It doesn't scare me anymore. That is just so cool.

And I really have reached a point where I am happy. I've swung to the other side of the pendulum and I'm just floating there and really just enjoying this point of bliss. I can't believe it, really. It's almost like taking drugs. It's cool. It's great. It's really fun.

And I wrote another song today. A new one. Two songs in a matter of weeks! I am so fucking impressed with myself. Just meeting someone who really inspires you and gets you to do the things you have always wanted to do. A song! You know how tough it is to write one? And I think this one is rather good. I think this one has great potential and might be liked by people. I really do. And I don't think it's because I am drunk. I really have to learn how to play a musical instrument now. There's no turning back. I got to write songs. More. It gets, feels so fulfilling. I really think this is what I was meant to do, you know? Write songs, act in short films, write for magazines, television and slowly, ever so slowly write my novel.

I started writing my novel again. But this time I decided to move away from "Modern Everyday Gods" because I think it will be a great book, but I don't think it is what I should write first. I think, deep down inside, there is a different story that I should write and I've decided to write it. And I have begun and I've finished the first chapter and I am quite impressed with myself. I have the main character all ready, prepared, formed. What happens to the main character, I don't know yet... I'll just let him go through the first few chapters and see where he is going. I kinda have an idea what I will be writing about. It's quite exciting. Like entering new territory, you don't know what's going to happen, what you are going to see. Let's just see what happens. The working title, which I love, is "Tonight is not our last night on Earth" and it fits so well to what I'm writing and how I'm feeling. It's wonderful.

I really can't wait.

I really shouldn't be writing here. I should be sleeping so that I can wake up at seven in the morning to make it to work. Yeah, I got work now. Better than that whole free-lance writer shit! Well, I'm still a freelance writer but I have a regular gig that is fun with a great working environment and pays well. I write for a television show. How's that? It's so cool. I love it. I love working there and the people I work with are all cool people. It's so fucking cool it's ice cold!

So yeah, I should be sleeping but I'm so happy. I am very happy. I just had to say it. I don't really mind if you are depressed or sad or not in a very good place right now. But you know what? I've been depressed, sad, stepped on and not in a good place for two years... I sneaked in my laughs and moments of bliss when I could. But I got out of it. I came free. I hate that stupid line that people always say: this too shall pass. It's bullshit, really. But you know what? It's true. If you are at that state, that feeling that things won't get better and the future looks bleak, well, don't give up. Don't lose hope. It gets better. There is no such thing as a permanent high. And if there was, I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't exchange it for the world. There's nothing better than feeling elation and happiness after a long period of happiness. The experience is just more rich. The feelings are heightened; you end up feeling the joy more acutely than ever before. There is such a great difference between sneaking in your laughs and having a genuine one.

By the way, I just saw In America by Jim Sheridan. Watch it. It's worth it. Beautiful movie. I was crying and crying again in the movie theatre. Lovely stuff. Great acting all around. Especially by the female cast, led by Samantha Morton. She deserves her Academy nomination, but I'm sorry, Charlize Theron will win it for Monster because her work there was more edgy and more demanding and she carried it well. Morton's work was powerful and very subtle. It strikes you very powerfully but in comparison to Theron's work, she won't win, it's an unfortunate case, but I'm sure that Morton has a lot more to offer. She is a very promising actress. I only expect the best from her.

It will sound hypocritical coming from me, but the world is a beautiful wonderful place. I'm rising from my sad, horrific state of depression and on the rise, I can see the beauty of the sky. I'm no longer looking down. I can see the stars, the moon, the clouds. Everything. And it is beautiful. Ha Ha Ha Life is beautiful for me, right now.

"It's hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while good things never last, some don't even start." -- texted to me by my friend Joem

I wonder if that is just me being cold. But I have never really had a problem with letting go of things. Negative comments and responses to my work has never really affected me. If you don't like it, then fine, it's your opinion anyway. With work that I have submitted to people, like a script or an article; if someone wanted something changed, I pick up my red pen and say, "which part exactly do you want changed?"

And people. I always believed that if it no longer works for you, drop it and move on. And the antecedent of the pronoun "it" could be a person, just as it could be an object or an abstract feeling. After all, this world is fleeting. I don't have the time to spend precious moments with someone who doesn't excite me, or stimulate me or, perish the thought, someone I don't even like. Why will I bother? And I've done that so many times before. I can't help it. But I won't waste your time by being bored by your side and secretly desiring to go. It's just too mean. At the same time, I could be having fun somewhere else, with different people. It seems cold to me, but it is logical and actually, quite merciful in its precision.

I grew up being absolutely fond of the Seniors of my High School. When I was in the sixth grade, my brother's friends, the Senior batch were people I became close to through association. And then, at the year's end, I had to say good bye. The following year, I became fond of the Senior's batch that followed. Again, I said good bye at the end of the year. And the vicious cycle continued until I became a Senior myself and that was when I was able to truly value my batch. But of course, I said good bye, for we also graduated.

In College, I had about three different groups. At one point in time, it just seemed wrong to be in their company. I changed and they didn't. Or they changed and I didn't. Whatever the case may be (though I'd like to think it was the former), I said good bye and moved on to the next group. Sometimes, I feel, some people don't change fast enough, or as fast as I do. That is why I always say I'm fickle. I am like water where I always change my form to fit my vessel, whatever it is that holds me at that particular time. And yes, I do leave people behind. I always say good bye. It's the toss of the coin, it's the roll of the dice. It is how things have fallen.

Does that mean I am cold? Does that mean I'm evil? I don't know. I have pretty high standards for evil. I guess there is a certain level of mean-ness to it. How everything can mean so much to me at one point and then, in a blink of an eye, it's all touch and go.

But I'm in such a terrible rush to get to where I am going - fame and fortune; glory and all that jazz. I cannot constantly hold myself back for people who walk slowly, who take their time, who will dwell in their drama. I will admit that, at one point in my life, I was very much attracted to these kinds of people. In fact, I was until a certain time ago. But then, I decided, I have to get back to me. Back to my life and to me being the priority of my life. And with all my dreams and ambitions and goals in life, I cannot put someone else before me.

To a particular someone (who probably doesn't even read this): It has nothing to do with whatever it is you're thinking. It is what you have always feared and what you have always asked of me: to never be tired of you and your constant need for attention and affection. I'm sorry, but there is no more that I can give you and no more that I can offer. I'm just so sick and tired of all the drama that we've been through because of you. I'm done with that now. It's been the same old story for the past three years. What you feared has come true: I am sick and tired of all this. This. It's this pronoun without a sure antecedent. That word encompasses so much. Four years of heart ache and fun. Drama and comedy all bunched up into a single pronoun. This.

It has got to end. This has got to end. For my sake and for your's as well. And it seems mean, considering how I was always there for you whether you were wrong or right. Whether you had asked my advice and still did the opposite. How many times do you want me to tell you "I told you so." That is not a sentence that is easy to say. Many people relish that sentence, enunciate every word, enjoy the feeling each syllable brings. But I don't. Because I know what comes with it. Everytime I say those words, it means that we are in a problematic situation and something has to be done. And these are the times I'm glad that I can just let go, easily. That I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid of moving on.

I am reminded of a beautiful, beautiful song by Stevie Nicks. It is called Landslide.

I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my whole life around you
But time makes you older
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

I'm getting older but getting no where nearer where I want to go. I will always be your friend. But not in that same degree that we were in. No more. It is a deep pit that is getting harder and harder to get out of. I've been burned too often. If that means I'm quitting on you then I'm quitting on you. I don't see it that way. But if you do, and if everybody else does, then so be it. We can only bury ourselves so deep before the rain starts to pour. And I don't know about you, but suicide in the name of love, is still quitting. And I have no intention of being too cynical and jaded for happiness.

I don't want to find it in tiny pink pills anymore. I don't want to find it in alcohol and laughter snuck in the tender moments. It should all come naturally. It should flow smoothly. It shouldn't have to be forced. Laughing when we can sneak one in. I don't want that anymore.

And it is about time you stand on your own two feet, anyway.

I think I've had my very first perfect Valentine's Day.

It's strange to think that after how many years of spending Valentine's Day alone and bitter that I was alone. I decided to not go out, not go trawling for a partner, not eagerly awaiting for some stupid casual encounter. This time, I decided to stay home. And then Kate and I made a plan and she came over and we watched DVDs all night. She and I watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind with my brother and sister. Then when they went to sleep, we watched Sex and the City Season 5. All 8 episodes of it and it was absolutely bliss.

And why not? I was with a good, great friend; probably my best friend. She and I had Cheetos and, well, water. She was suppose to bring wine but decided against it. All we didn't need was to get sentimental at the last moment and lose it. We had this great feeling of clarity and the episodes of Season 5 somehow resonated to our feelings of love and relationship and at the same time was just absolutely funny that we almost died laughing.

And maybe everybody was out or the traffic was horrible. After all, it was payday the day before. And people were celebrating the supposed "Philippine's second most commercial holiday, second only to Christmas" as was stated by an official of the British Council last Friday during their show titled Love, Actually which was really bad. Thank God my sister is a wonderful performer and singer. Because otherwise, the show just sunk. The songs were chosen wrong, the poems were badly picked. The whole show was badly directed. It was unbearable.

And what is it with Valentine's anyway. Celebrating a day where people are required to show how they feel about their loved one. It's exactly the same feelings I have for New Year's Resolutions. It's completely insignificant. I've always believed if something isn't working, change it already. Why wait for the New Year to make your resolutions? And Valentine's? Why wait for Valentine's day for the whole romantic dinner and flowers? Do it every 4 or 5 or 6 weeks! Surprise them with the showering of love and affection when they least expect it. It keeps things in a constant state of surprise and it is that suprise which creates the thrill of being in a relationship, right?

It's all herd mentality, for me. This unbelievable need to all go through that same feeling together. It's mechanical and boring. Who needs it? And to compete for restaurant, fine-dining romantic reservations; getting flowers when they are at their most expensive? It's not worth it. Especially if you celebrate Valentine's on your own schedule, at least 12 times a year. That would make it more special for me. The times when you least expect it.

It's not cynicism, I guess. It's more being practical and real and honest about how I feel towards the situation. Or what I feel about relationships in general. I just don't think I can survive in this generation's belief in love and partnership. I think either I'm way to seventies in thinking or (if I got that wrong) way too advanced in my mindset. Relationships are just too much of a drag with all the possessiveness and the lack of trust. It just drives me insane.

I had a friend who never, ever let his boyfriend forget that he messed up before and always grilled him about his exes. What is that about? Almost everyday, there was a snide remark, a hurtful comment; it just doesn't make sense to me. To get into a relationship, there must be trust, otherwise, forget it. No matter how much love you feel for anybody, if you can't give them a measure of trust, it's over before it started.

It's just how I feel. And maybe that's why I am not in a relationship. I won't say alone because I am not alone. I am so very far from it.

A joke is an epitaph on an emotion. -- Nietzche

Things continually are moving up. Thank God. I think I've kinda fixed up my relationships with my family again. I think I've proven that I am getting my act together and working on making things work out again. My Dad is here and he always inspires me to do better and to go out and do it. He inspires me to believe in myself more.

My Dad is a true artist. And more over, he is a true teacher. He has the soul of a mentor. And we can talk about anything and really bring it towards a discussion on philosophy, life and of art. Art and life. The things worth living for. Yes, it's funny to say it. Life is worth living for. But I guess life is more than just the act of existing... It's about emotions, sensations, experiences. The things that really make life worth living.

And I'm not just talking about the good times. I want the bad times as well. But not too much. I've been through hell these past two years. I want the goot times now. I want the joy and the peace and the feeling of triumph and victory. I want security and serenity. I want the opposite of what I had for the past two years. It has not been easy.

And I think I'll be reaching the other point of the pendulum already. It has swung to the farthest corner of the bad and should be on its way to the other side now. The momentum, the force is so strong, by the time I reach the extreme end of happiness... I'd probably just start laughing uncontrollably...

Things happen. In all its simplicity, how wonderful is that?

In the mind's desolate spaces,
We sit atop separate pillars
Calling out each other's names,
Entire genealogies of selves
We cannot redeem or resurrect.
- Anamnesis, Marjorie M. Evasco

Okay. I got really busy. As in really busy. Workshops, loaded with writing work, meeting up with old friends, re-establishing connections with people, severing relationships that aren't working; all part and parcel of trying to live a life that is worth living. And why should I be any different? People around me do exactly the same thing. A friend of mine just broke up with his boyfriend. A friend of mine is swamped with work. My brother and sister-in-law are also swamped with work and also swamped with their upcoming church wedding (I'm swept up in that too, I am their arms and legs during their working hours, doing things that they are not able). My good, good friend Kate just had a loss in the family. My good friend Morx constantly sees old friends at various points in his life.

Why should I be any different?

And then I just finished On Writing by Stephen King and must soon get myself to start reading a new book. The book was good. Very simple and straightforward. I've always liked Stephen King's older work - Carrie, Salem's Lot, Cujo. Those were good books. He really is a master of his genre. I think I will still remain with the lighter stuff first, though. After Cold Mountain, I don't think I'm willing to go for another of the "heavy" books just yet.

Now I hate to sound like some "Foreigner's are better than Filipino" crap since I don't believe that that is always a fact. But in terms of our entertainment, it usually is the case. But last night, I was channel surfing and caught this film called Laman directed by someone I don't know. But I was amazed at the lighting and camera movement. For the first time, a Filipino movie that the camera didn't remain still!!! And the lighting was really dynamic. It covered people's faces in shadows. It cut people up with darkness and light. It was really riveting to watch. And I think that camera was hand-held the whole time. So the slight jerky movements, the inability to hold it's center and focus on one character gave a brilliant feel to the whole film. I was quite impressed. And I was floored by the performance of Elizabeth Oropesa and Albert Martinez. The two other actors still needed work. They were obviously there for the looks factor. But overall, I was impressed. Better find out who that director is...

Well, remember, my comments above excludes my Dad. He is a brilliant film director. Of course, he has his flaws as well. But I believe in his ability to tell a story, a good story. He is a great director and I learned so much about art and life from him.

He'll be back in Manila for a few days. Once again, with a busy schedule. But I'm glad I'll see him. And my sister as well. I fear that maybe the visit will come with a sermon for the craziness that filled my life last December that also killed my credibility and reputation in my family. But hey! I'm glad he'll be here and we can talk again and maybe I can try and redeem myself somehow.

I'm breaking away from habits that have not done me any good. I'm trying to separate myself from a person who has not done me any good. No fault of his, really. But our relationship, our friendship for that matter, has not been all that good for me. I need space. I need time to breathe. As my brother Jubal would say it, I'm not planning on "burning any bridges" but just releasing myself from this hold he has over me.

Some people have this hold over some people. It isn't love, it isn't even sexual. It is a sort of need that each other feeds of from. It is definitely not healthy and helpful. I'm glad I have the strength to find release now. I wasn't strong before because I've realised this for quite a long time now. I'm glad I can get out. I'm glad I have the strength, resolve and stability to let go.

Something's you just let go of. Otherwise, you could just drown in it. And drowning ain't all that cool.

"I realized that the greatest sin is sadness, the only one that is an offense to life."
-- "Dona Flor and her Two Husbands," Jorge Amado

And all at once, things are starting to turn good for me. I keep hinting at something that keeps promising itself and then disappearing, and then coming up and then disappearing again. Well, it happened finally. It was wonderful. It was everything I thought it would be. It was goofy and wacky and downright fun. I can't really talk about it right now, so I won't. But trust me, I will when I am allowed to. You can't keep my mouth from yacking away at something like that...

And then, a dry spell hit in the landscape of my professional writing career and then all of a sudden, work, work, work. That always spell money for me. Though, honestly, I really want to give writing a break. I don't want it to be my bread and butter anymore. I just want to write for myself, you know? Write short stories, songs, poetry, essays and even journal entries like this. I just want to be able to enjoy writing again, you know? I can't stand all this writing for money. Writing for things I don't really want to write about. It's become a job, all of a sudden. I know I'm good at it. I know it doesn't come easy for other people. I know that it comes easy for me. But that doesn't mean I have to stop enjoying it. When it has reached that point, I know that it's time to move on.

I'm reading again. Cold Mountain just killed itself. Beautiful book, really, but damn slow. The pacing was just too damn slow for me. I couldn't take it. I was struggling. I had to put it down and couldn't get back to reading for a long time. Then I picked up Anne Carson's The Beauty of the Husband and was just in love with reading all over again. It's a gorgeous, gorgeous book. Now, I'm enjoying Stephen King's On Writing and it's lovely. It's very honest and straight-forward. Once again, I'm reviving my determination to finish Everyday Modern Gods, the God Damned novel I've been dying to write since 2000. I want to go after it again, the muse, grab it by the feet and chain `em to my bed (which is really close to the computer) and have `em prompt me above the sound of the stereo.

And of course, there's something else. Something that has a special meaning for the Nelly Furtado song Try and something that caused me to write my very first song: Your Name on my Hand. I can't wait to put the music in. I already have it in my head but since I can't read or write chords, I have to wait for someone to translate it for me. But it's all in my head and as the days go by, I get more and more proud of what I've done. A song with melody and everything. And it's pretty good. I'm really proud of it.

It's strange, but if you really believe in astrology it works somehow. The year of the Sheep is not suppose to be good for those of that year, like I am. The year of the Monkey is supposed to be good for the Sheep person and so far, it has. I am really, truly affected by the stars, by my sign. Every little astrological reading of my personality holds true - Pisces, Sheep, born on the Day of Relativity. Everything has gotten me down to a tee. It's quite amazing. Frustrating at times, as well, but bewildering.

What a lovely word! Bewildering. It truly captures the feel of the word. I love it. I got to use it somewhere. I just got to!

Beauty. No great secret. Not ashamed to say I loved him for his beauty.
As I would again
if he came near. Beauty convinces. You know beauty makes sex possible.
Beauty makes sex sex.
You if anyone grasp this -- hush, let's pass

to natural situations.
-- The Beauty of the Husband, Anne Carson

Ah! Beauty, one of the most powerful things in the world. Physical beauty, that unmarked perfection of face and body, is one of the things that have become the great American (or even Western) standard. Internal beauty is that which is always idealized in fiction - film or literature, even music sometimes. But sometimes, we keep forgetting, that beauty can also be found in other things and not just in people.

Art. The attempt at capturing beauty in a tangible form, be it a photograph, a painting, words or even sound (in the form of music). Art, that which reminds us what it is to be human. That which reminds us what it means to be alive. That is why art is so beautiful. In any one way of looking at it, we are thrown into a frenzy of thought into what it is to be human and alive.

I want it around me always, art. I want to always be in the chase of it, to be able to capture beauty in my hands and work on it and make something out of it. Anything can be beautiful, really. It all depends on how we twist it so it can be seen in the particular way that reminds us what it means to be one of us - the living, the human.

And that is why even sadness can be beautiful. Why movies like Magnolia and The Hours move me so much despite its sadness, it is because it reminded me to enjoy what I have. To look at my life in such a way and just allow myself to fully realise the potentials of my life. That is the true power of art.

This is our lives. To not find beauty in any direction we look, is a sad thing really...

In that respect, someone recently lost her grandmother and I just wanted to say that in all situations, I find myself at my most weakest in times of death. Wakes, funerals, or even just tragic moments in hospitals... I am struck speechless. I have no idea how to carry myself. I have no idea what to say or what to do. I am at a loss.

I'm sorry. That is all that I can do.

Ugh... There's nothing to write. All of a sudden, a potential great thing was supposed to happen to me and as usual, it didn't push through for me. All of a sudden, there was no word. Nothing. And all of a sudden, I'm back to my usual hoping and wishing stage thinking that there might be something there for me and... I don't know. Things have begun to slow down again.

Sometimes it would be nice to think that I'm just cursed. I mean, it would be awful to think that I was born naturally unlucky. After all, what's the use of all these potentials and skills if I didn't have the opportunity to give them a dry run.

My brother and I were talking and he told me that he had taken for granted the luck of my father that he was able to work in a field or job that allowed him to do the things that he loved, that he was able to gain respect for it because he was good at it and he was able to support his family with it. That kind of luck, that kind of life is not handed out to everyone. He said that he had to come into the realisation that maybe he won't be that lucky and that he would have to settle for working on something that he, at least, likes.

What a horrible thought... Settling. I always thought nobody should. Why would you want to settle anyway? Live your life in dis-content. God! I'm not even sure if "dis" is the correct prefix for that word! I wouldn't want to settle. It goes against every little belief I have in life, in passion, in creativity.

But then again, I'm getting beaten down into believing that I would have to settle because nothing is going for me. None of what I wanted to come through came through for me. It's the luck of the draw, huh? Do we fold or do we bluff our way to winning the pot? Let's see...

The days go by, things begin to taper off, sometimes I still don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to write here or what I'm supposed to do. All of a sudden, for one tiny moment, I'm glad that I've got things to do for other people but that only lasts for a very short moment. There is just still so much that I want to do for myself. Time to think, to get everything in order.

I watched a great play last Saturday. Agnoia, by Lisa Magtoto and directed by Melvin Lee. It was really good. There were some things that needed tweaking and fixing but I was so amazed by the intelligence of the script and the understated way in which it makes its point. Several lives, cut up into tiny little scenes and nothing is underlined or made apparent. I love this play because it shows us so much and we must derive some sort of meaning from all this mess. It's truly wonderful. I'm glad I got to see it.

And then it was good to see my friends again after such a long time. I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. Of course, old habits die hard but when they do die, they are quickly buried. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I haven't gone out in such a long time, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I don't want to drink anymore, or at least, not as heavily as I used to. Dancing was all wrong, for the first time ever in my whole life. I guess it was just really strange.

Somethings just fall apart and you have to look. The most resilient of pieces remain whole and can easily be mended and returned. They are so big that you know exactly where it belongs. Some things shatter and can never be returned, too small to know exactly where it fits in your life. There are some things that just keep falling and falling and they lose their resilience. Once they fall, they no longer remain whole but shatter into tiny pieces. Of course, these are all metaphors for people. Some people you don't see for a long time and when you do find them again, you know exactly where they fit in your life. There are some people whose relationship keeps suffering from time to time and then, when it falls one last time, it cannot be fixed, the relationship cannot be healed.

It is a sad truth. But one of the most beautiful things in this world is letting go. In setting things free of obligation and responsibility, there is so much potential for regrowth, for regeneration. Everything heals. Letting go gives them that opportunity to heal. There is nothing that time does not work its magic on. And magic it is, how wonderful to let time pass and just make things go their natural way. And if it were never to return, what is it that they say? Then maybe it was not meant to be...

I don't believe in it. But it is undeniably poetic...

Survivor all-stars began today. Well, yesterday for America, but today here in the Philippines. And though you might think it is all mundane and banal; I love it. I love socio-politics. I love watching the behaviour of people in all sorts of conditions. And this is one of them - money, survival, competition, teamwork. All these various elements at play. It is a great thing to watch and see. It truly, truly inspires me to write more and more. I love Survivor. I wish I could join it. I really do...