The Flight of the Rocketman

"It's hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while good things never last, some don't even start." -- texted to me by my friend Joem

I wonder if that is just me being cold. But I have never really had a problem with letting go of things. Negative comments and responses to my work has never really affected me. If you don't like it, then fine, it's your opinion anyway. With work that I have submitted to people, like a script or an article; if someone wanted something changed, I pick up my red pen and say, "which part exactly do you want changed?"

And people. I always believed that if it no longer works for you, drop it and move on. And the antecedent of the pronoun "it" could be a person, just as it could be an object or an abstract feeling. After all, this world is fleeting. I don't have the time to spend precious moments with someone who doesn't excite me, or stimulate me or, perish the thought, someone I don't even like. Why will I bother? And I've done that so many times before. I can't help it. But I won't waste your time by being bored by your side and secretly desiring to go. It's just too mean. At the same time, I could be having fun somewhere else, with different people. It seems cold to me, but it is logical and actually, quite merciful in its precision.

I grew up being absolutely fond of the Seniors of my High School. When I was in the sixth grade, my brother's friends, the Senior batch were people I became close to through association. And then, at the year's end, I had to say good bye. The following year, I became fond of the Senior's batch that followed. Again, I said good bye at the end of the year. And the vicious cycle continued until I became a Senior myself and that was when I was able to truly value my batch. But of course, I said good bye, for we also graduated.

In College, I had about three different groups. At one point in time, it just seemed wrong to be in their company. I changed and they didn't. Or they changed and I didn't. Whatever the case may be (though I'd like to think it was the former), I said good bye and moved on to the next group. Sometimes, I feel, some people don't change fast enough, or as fast as I do. That is why I always say I'm fickle. I am like water where I always change my form to fit my vessel, whatever it is that holds me at that particular time. And yes, I do leave people behind. I always say good bye. It's the toss of the coin, it's the roll of the dice. It is how things have fallen.

Does that mean I am cold? Does that mean I'm evil? I don't know. I have pretty high standards for evil. I guess there is a certain level of mean-ness to it. How everything can mean so much to me at one point and then, in a blink of an eye, it's all touch and go.

But I'm in such a terrible rush to get to where I am going - fame and fortune; glory and all that jazz. I cannot constantly hold myself back for people who walk slowly, who take their time, who will dwell in their drama. I will admit that, at one point in my life, I was very much attracted to these kinds of people. In fact, I was until a certain time ago. But then, I decided, I have to get back to me. Back to my life and to me being the priority of my life. And with all my dreams and ambitions and goals in life, I cannot put someone else before me.

To a particular someone (who probably doesn't even read this): It has nothing to do with whatever it is you're thinking. It is what you have always feared and what you have always asked of me: to never be tired of you and your constant need for attention and affection. I'm sorry, but there is no more that I can give you and no more that I can offer. I'm just so sick and tired of all the drama that we've been through because of you. I'm done with that now. It's been the same old story for the past three years. What you feared has come true: I am sick and tired of all this. This. It's this pronoun without a sure antecedent. That word encompasses so much. Four years of heart ache and fun. Drama and comedy all bunched up into a single pronoun. This.

It has got to end. This has got to end. For my sake and for your's as well. And it seems mean, considering how I was always there for you whether you were wrong or right. Whether you had asked my advice and still did the opposite. How many times do you want me to tell you "I told you so." That is not a sentence that is easy to say. Many people relish that sentence, enunciate every word, enjoy the feeling each syllable brings. But I don't. Because I know what comes with it. Everytime I say those words, it means that we are in a problematic situation and something has to be done. And these are the times I'm glad that I can just let go, easily. That I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid of moving on.

I am reminded of a beautiful, beautiful song by Stevie Nicks. It is called Landslide.

I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my whole life around you
But time makes you older
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

I'm getting older but getting no where nearer where I want to go. I will always be your friend. But not in that same degree that we were in. No more. It is a deep pit that is getting harder and harder to get out of. I've been burned too often. If that means I'm quitting on you then I'm quitting on you. I don't see it that way. But if you do, and if everybody else does, then so be it. We can only bury ourselves so deep before the rain starts to pour. And I don't know about you, but suicide in the name of love, is still quitting. And I have no intention of being too cynical and jaded for happiness.

I don't want to find it in tiny pink pills anymore. I don't want to find it in alcohol and laughter snuck in the tender moments. It should all come naturally. It should flow smoothly. It shouldn't have to be forced. Laughing when we can sneak one in. I don't want that anymore.

And it is about time you stand on your own two feet, anyway.