The Flight of the Rocketman

We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. -- Anais Nin

So now I can feel myself slowly coalescing. I'm far from completion, I'm still in a state of transition but I've made a decision. I've been acting too much like a door knob -- everbody gets a turn. Nope. No more of that. Enough of that. I'm letting go of my care-free life. No more seeking out casual sex. It's really not doing me any good these days.

Geez, I was a promiscous son-of-a-bitch this past year. I've had my fun. It's over now.

Yesterday, working our asses off, we were able to once again pull through with the whole shoot despite unbelievable circumstances had begun to beat us down. Unsigned permits, expenses that sprung up from nowhere, a traffic jam that could make people cry and rain. Rain, of all things, something that can't be stopped or argued with or paid for! Incredibly (and incredulously) it just stopped when we were about to begin.

And I was so tired and I was so beaten up and it is just so difficult to keep smiling and to keep my jokes so that everybody else's spirits stayed up. It's not easy being the care bear. It's not easy being the fool, the jester.

I'll take stock of myself soon. No time this weekend. Got so much stuff I have to do for others... again. But I have this certificate for a massage and I'm going to use it soon. I need it. I twisted some body part or a muscle on my thigh and it hurts to move it (doesn't help that I was dancing so much last night) and I am walking funny and that's not funny. And I've got a neck pain and my back has just taken in too much stress. It's too tense. Can't handle it anymore. I need that massage.

Coalescing. I can feel it. Soon, I won't be so lost in transition. Soon I'll be me again. It will be a new me. But at least I'll know how to react to things...