The Flight of the Rocketman

The songs are about the intangible, about situations out of our control, moments that aren’t entirely rational. Maybe it is all about love. -- Tanita Tikaram (about the songs in her new album, from her website)

It's a penniless existence for me. Work is piling up and my hopes are always raised and then fall over to nasty disappointment. I should really stop going to VTRs because they keep killing my ego.

But then again, that's not true. I have rationalised that I'm not the one they were looking for; there was another look or a better actor. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it was just that I wasn't the one that was envisioned. The disappointment comes from not having a chance to work in that environment and field again. And of course, the loss of the money. That's painful.

Especially in my situation now.

After what happened last Thursday, I feel so lost without a destination to go dancing. I have an alternative, but Embassy is just so far away and without a car, quite a difficult destination to go to. I know it is there if I need it but there is always a level of sadness when letting go of something -- even if it ended badly.

But I don't really feel like dancing these days. I want to do more writing but haven't had the urge, the feel or necessity. I've been disappointed too many times to try and write another script. I don't want to be jaded and force myself not to think about it and just to keep writing, keep producing work. But at one point, you can't help but think it is exactly like a raffle, like the lottery and I never win in games of chance. It's always got to be about hard work.

And I'm working hard now. And nothing seems to be paying up and I'm wondering how long it will be before I march up to my parents and do something I haven't done since May of last year and that's to ask for money. Something I am so loathe to doing. I don't want to. I've been enough trouble as it is... but I've got bills to pay.

And the days drag on and everyone is flooding to the beaches and I have to stay home to remain practical and it is the smart thing to do considering my current financial status. And everyone returns to the city and they are dark and peeling and radiant and energized. I wait for my turn.

I wait for my turn.

But I have a smile on my face. I am getting to know someone and someone is getting to know me. And I feel safe and secure and this is exciting and thrilling as much as it scares me. I'm getting back on the saddle again, or so they say. I'm trying it out one more time. I'm giving it another shot.

I'm not jaded. I'm not yet done with love. I once again pack my bags and take the journey and hope I don't get lost like I have so many times before. I always take this trip.

That means I'm not jaded. And that's a good thing...