The Flight of the Rocketman

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live without my hands on his throat; I fight him always and still. O' darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy -- how crazy I am? -- Fast As You Can, by Fiona Apple

I am Lost in Transition.

I told my best friend yesterday when he asked me what was wrong, I told him that while everything looks fine, it isn't. I look around me and everything should be okay but it's not okay. It isn't like last year when things were out of line and crazy and it seemed like it. It was what it appeared to be. I feel that this is like the ocean, a beautiful ocean scene where everything looks beautiful and the water is inviting but you do not realise how deep the water is and where the undertow lies. This is probably what it feels like to be in the eye of the storm. Calm and peaceful, everything is serene but at any moment, it can all come crashing down on you; thunder and lightning.

On my way to work this morning, I stepped out of the MRT, bought another 100 peso ticket and was fixing my money on the way up the steps and a little girl, pretty but absolutely dirty and dressed in rags came up to me and begged for money. Without thinking, I took out a twenty peso bill and gave it to her. She was flabbergasted. I continued walking past her without emotion and finally it hit her that she got a twenty peso bill on her first beg (maybe) and she shouted thank you, thank you. And I realised how I probably might have made her day but felt nothing. I neither felt good nor bad. I felt nothing.

On my way to work yesterday, my sandal broke and I ended up walking around Starmall with one foot bare. Went up to a stall selling sandals and found one that I liked. It only cost 200 pesos and was simple yet elegant. I tried it on and it felt good. But I only had 150 pesos in my wallet. So with only one sandal on one foot and my other foot bare, I walked down to the first floor, all the way to the ATM, withdrew money and went back up and bought the sandals. I found no humour in the situation. I still told people about it and it was only then did I realise how I should have felt back when it was happening. But I didn't feel it at the time.

Now, the sandal's leather has hardened but only on the left foot. It has scratched my toe and a bit of my foot and had rubbed off the skin. It leaves a mark that is not so much a wound... I don't know what it is called. All I know is that it is extremely painful when wet or when contact is made. It's almost as if the first layer of skin was rubbed off. It's painful and I spent 200 pesos on a sandal that has managed to hurt me. What a waste of money!

But yesterday, when I discovered this, I was not at all pissed. I was grimacing in pain but was not angry as I should be. I just found a way to walk that ensured the strap wouldn't scrape against my skin. It is only now that I feel like I was had. But I won't do anything about it. I'm not the type to.

My best friend called me early this morning, around 1:30 in the morning. He asked me if I wanted to go out. I said I didn't. I had wall-climbed and I fell straight to sleep without having to shower (which is very uncharacteristic of me). I also have an early shoot. He then said, in between smiling (it was a phone call but I knew he was smiling and having fun), Wangs, I think I know what your problem is...

An eyebrow raised and I was eager to hear this.

You aren't in love. You are not inspired... I miss all your whining and your stories and your complaints. You have to be in love again. I'll set you up with somebody...

All I can think of is how astute and wise my best friend is. How he cuts to the core and straight in the middle! Very observant of him.

Is it really all that simple? Despite my bad luck with love, is that the fuel that keeps my fire burning? Even when unreciprocated, even when despised by that which I desire; is it what keeps me going?

I'm afraid of the answer...