The Flight of the Rocketman

You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. -- Ferdinand Magellan

I've fallen with all these God damned quotes! My dad and friend's send them to me often. I go through books and magazines, listen to the lyrics of songs and if I find something that I love, I write them down for posterity. I put them here, even if there are connections involved to what I have to write.

I have always been an automatic writer. I just sit down in front of a computer and BLAM! something would have been written. It bothers me that people would say that writing is a frustration for them. It is outside my sphere of reference since I could just write without problems.

Right now, finishing this God damned script for an independent film I'm writing is killing me. It's the time pressure, I suppose, and the fact that I can't write in the confines of my home. I have to go to other people's homes to use their computer because there is no way I can/will write in an internet cafe. I've written my articles for Youngstar magazine here but then again, I can write those in my sleep.

And in relation to Youngstar, I've finally interviewed two interesting models for them the other day. It isn't the fact that they are foreign (half-foreign) and that they come from another country and have returned (most of the models I've interviewed before never even stepped out of the country); but it was something about them. The way they looked and the way they looked at me when I was interviewing them. I loved the intensity, the focus. I felt like a hack, talking to them, winging it all the way. It was strange. I'm not used to being put on the defensive.

Spent the better part of yesterday watching my Dad work and it was wonderful. Spent the better part of the afternoon conversing with great people, collaborating, working on possible scripts and ideas that can be used for shows. At one point, I realised I wasn't self-conscious of the idea that I was working with some really big names in our showbiz industry. There was one point that I really felt like I belonged.

Despite all my crowing, I still really am insecure and still afraid that I'm nothing more than my father's shadow. Then, I have a conversation or a discussion and realise that I can really hold on my own. I look at the scripts I'm writing (or I have written) and realise that I have made some sort of foundation. I can call this world my own if I want to.

I have been in the dumps for too long and all I really want is to get my CD player back so I can fill up the emptiness in my studio pad when I get home. Music is out of my life for the moment and I cannot deal as well as I usually do without it.

I close my eyes and extend my arms as far as I can. Sometimes I can feel it break off from the rest of my body and fall to the floor. This is the freedom of detachment. To feel the loss of your tools, your weapons and not really give a damn.

I am still in pain. I am still reeling from the loss. I can't believe I was not loved in return. It hurts so bad because it was the nearest I ever got to getting "the one." Without music, I cannot dwell and force myself in the dumps like I am accustommed to. Now, I really have to deal with it intellectually rather than emotionally. All this rationalizing is killing me. It doesn't make any sense.

But who said love made sense? But I feel like I'm ready to move on.

And how many times have I said that? I ain't fooling anyone. But maybe, I can allow myself to be enveloped by the illusion and end up believing it. And then it can become true.

That's one way of letting go...