The Flight of the Rocketman

I thought that freedom
Can only be defined as endless choice
And I only listen to the logic of the loudest voice

But this world will be shaken by a whisper...
-- Whisper by Slovo

Downspin time... Feel myself losing balance and doing crazy things. I am racked by the pains of loss and the ravaged by the thoughts of "could've beens, should've beens and would've beens" and this is not where I want to be.

I have always said that my mood, my temperament was seasonal. I am in a great mood for several months and then I lose it all and stay depressed, down in the dumps, for another set of months. It's back and forth, it's like a cycle. I have no control of this. It just happens. I just start to feel so much. I get bogged down by the world around me.

Money has been held back... again. I find myself penny-less yet I still work as hard as I always have. I find myself longing for people who never really cared as much; for people who didn't even really try.

I hate this feeling when I count the blessings I have been given (which are a lot) and still find myself wanting more; even just a little bit more. Marianne Moore said that contentment was such a lowly thing and that joy was a pure thing and I hardly feel pure but I still feel I am worth it. I deserve a little...

But this world will be shaken by a whisper
(and I will live with integrity and peace inside...)
But this world will be shaken by a whisper
(and I will live with all honesty and peace inside...)
-- Whisper by Slovo

And as much as I want to lash out and get mad; as much as I want to turn evil and bitter and jaded; as much as I want to blame people and things, blame the way I live my life and try to change and become someone tougher, colder, harder -- I find myself incapable of doing so. I retreat into the comfort of friends, write songs and continue to just dwell on things (something I shouldn't do). I find myself retreating into the comfort of solitude, my personal space and just listening to music.

My fantasies, as of late, have been angry and bitter. I can feel myself seeking revenge. I want my say. I want to have the final word. But like I told a friend, there is no real need to do so. It only makes things worse, really. Having your say, telling the person you are hurt, that things could have been handled differently is just another ploy to try to make the other feel bad; to make the other think about the decisions that was made and maybe try to sway them to make the decision you want them to make (which is to chose you). But if they didn't make that decision then, what makes this last effort change anything?

You end up realising that no matter what you do; you were never really the choice. You are to be passed over anyway.

My best friend told me that maybe it is time to start looking into ourselves into figuring out why we can't seem to get the person we want. He agrees with me that it is not our problem, it is not our fault. But maybe, there is something wrong with the choices that we make and the process in which we go about things.

Maybe I should stop chasing after the complicated ones. Fine, I can't choose who I fall in love with, but maybe I should just let them go. Let them be.

It seems that time returns to me once more
But I have less now than before
-- Whisper by Slovo

Yet, in these sad times (for me), I find myself writing two songs in a span of two hours. Good songs, if I may say so. A rock song inspired from listening to a lot of Alex Parks, it's called "Unanswered." There is a line there were I ask: "If love is worth it, why does one just sit, and not meet half-way from the start?"

And then, listening to a lot of chill-out songs from the Hed Kandi Winterchill album, beautiful songs like Whisper by Slovo or Pedro by Dahlia made me write "This Is the Day." Thinking of my friends, thinking of the times we had and enjoyed, I wrote the song celebrating my love for them and the time that we spend together. The positive energy that I get being with them. Of all the songs I've written (17 already) this is the song I want to put music to first...

And then someone long gone comes back. I don't know if this person is the one and that we just have to go through a lot of hurdles, earn an immeasurable amount of trust before we can take it another step but somehow, despite the lack of promise for anything more than what we have, I take the next step forward. I dare to hope.

Believe, my best friend tells me. It is the only power we've got and it would be such a waste if we let them take it from us he tells me. Thinking about it, I never really stopped believing. I never stopped hoping. I think that is why it hurts so much. Because I can never let go of the fact that it will happen. It will happen because I refuse to let it go.

And so I trudge on. And I fight. And I believe and hope. I dare to hope. I dare to believe. I will not let go of the power.

You really made me listen for my own voice
And I heard millions

But when I feel my world falling down
I think of you, I think of you
And when I feel I can breathe no more
You speak to me, you speak to me
-- Whisper by Slovo

I will not let go of love. Read the story of Tam-Lin, the Russian fairy tale. His lover would not let him go, as he was turned to snake, wolf, bear, fire and other dangerous stuff. And what happens? She keeps him. Her love proved stronger than the faerie queen's. It is love that will bring this world to its knees.

What is that that is whispered that will shake this world? In the song, they do not say what it is. I think I know. I think you do too...