The Flight of the Rocketman

Just close your eyes and you'll see
And where ever you go I will be
-- All In My Head, written and performed by Kosheen

And what would happen if you discovered that your love could actually kill? That the intensity in which you live your life could inspire fear? That being totally honest and true to yourself was actually being unfair to others?

And what would you do if you discovered that you could've been loved in return because you were everything that the other was asking for; it's just that you aren't what the other wanted? To discover that only what you offered was ideal, not you?

How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you back but does not feel worthy to be with you?

If you have an answer to these, let me know... Sometimes I wonder if I handled the situation correctly? I'd like to think that everybody did the best that they could in the given moment. Considering time, distance, pressure, need and wants; we can only act and react based on what experience and base knowledge we have to guide us to the best decision. Sometimes we are flustered and lose our way. We make mistakes. In that instance, our natural instinct is to get the most of what we can in that given situation. Is it human instinct that makes us selfish during crunch time?

What a frightening thought.

But it is my best defense for the things that I have done in the past week. I could've been smarter. I could've been kinder. I could've been more appreciative, more open, wiser. But I was not.

But I tried to make things right. I've discovered what I had done wrong. I admitted it. I tried to fix things. I feel like it was too late. I had crushed the other. I'd never know if I could ever make things right.

But I promised to be happy. I did the best I could at the time. That's all I can say.

The intensity with which a subject is grasped is what makes for beauty in art. -- An Empire of Women, Karen Shepard

There is nothing more profound, more beautiful, more gratifying than connection. I find it cinematic, four friends facing each other, seated in a circle and telling their innermost thoughts, their innermost feelings. And to do so, histories must be revealed. Truths are uncovered. In every truth uncovered, in every word spoken aloud that rang true with what is known and felt and experienced, gasps were heard, eyes opened wide. Clarity can hit you hard, much like a bullet.

Lying about and enjoying the rhythm of speech, the empathy and the revelations of human possibilities; I realized why it is that I so desperately want to write. Connection. A powerful thing in this world where so many people feel alone. And you can reach out and let people know: yes, I understand you. I did not go through exactly what you went through but I went through something similar. You are not alone.

I found it in the most spontaneous of moments, unplanned.

I thank you, the three of you, for showing me things I've never seen, of showing me truth and for bringing me clarity. I thank you for helping me see myself and the mistakes that I've made and the demands I've put on others. Thank you. I've never grown so fast in nine hours. I may not have made things better but I tried to make things right. And you were still there, after everything; appreciating the attempt for what it was and taking it for what it is.

It was sincere.

How would I ever be able to find myself in that moment again?

But as we have spoken in those nine hours; there shall be no regrets and we shall be accountable for all ours actions. And I love you three, now, more than ever. And I promise to try and be happy.

I promise, though we said we would never make promises again.

Final word: watch A Japanese Love Story with the mesmerizing Toni Collete. I cried and I cried and my heart ached and pounded with the pain and the sheer beauty of the story.

As my good friend always says: love unconditionally and cherish that moment. It may be all you have and all that you get. He loves the tragic and we can never discount the beauty of pain, of sadness and loss.

After all, isn't it beautiful to have valued something so much that the mere thought of its removal from your reach is more than you can bare?