The Flight of the Rocketman

In the Bible, only angels have wings
And the rest must wait to be saved
-- Amen, written and performed by Jewel

I find myself doing old tricks again. Have I hit a point where feelings take control of the rational part of my being? I have never been a disciplined person. I can just imagine the things I can do if I were more disciplined. My goodness, I would truly be unstoppable. But at this point, I am still a slave to my emotions. If someone could actually learn how to control what I feel, I would be under their spell. I would be their unwilling slave.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if we could remove our emotions. I know how horrible that would be. But I keep thinking what an efficient world this would be if we could put our emotions away and just work. And then, when we are no longer working, take it and put it back in the center of our being and just enjoy. Feel things strongly when we have nothing to lose.

I wish I could do that. Turn off my feelings. Just shut it off and go on and work like a machine and then, when the work is done, switch it on and then lose myself in the middle of a dance floor and watch the smile flood my face and envelope me completely. I would be just one large, giant dancing smile.

I could just imagine the joy, the absolute joy I would feel when I return the feelings into the center of my being and the happiness I would suddenly feel after a good day's work. The productivity would be immense. I would have so much to show for.

But that is if my job were technical. Unfortunately, I realised while writing this entry, that my work is all abstract. Most of what I do goes by feel. I have studied writers and their works, directors and their works. I have studied the good and the bad products of the imagination and have added it into my data banks of what is good and what is not. It comes out naturally when I work. Everything I do is by feel. I cannot afford to lose my emotions, even if I work. I need it. It helps me do my work well...

So I guess I'm fucked. I'm stuck with my emotions... Damn!