The Flight of the Rocketman

Oh c'mon Wangs! No great writer is meant to die of bleeding. That's going to be paradoxical. -- texted to me by my good friend DC

Having your wisdom teeth pulled out is quite a strange feeling. The anaesthesia truly blocks the pain and then, the doctor/dentist starts drilling, pulling and stuffing these strange metal tools into your mouth. There is so much force and pressure (something the anaesthesia cannot negate) that is entering your mouth and along with it, these sounds of cracking and breaking. I had no idea that it was so violent. And yet, with all pain negated, it is not. It is jarring to think that despite all the sound and movement and force, because you don't feel pain, your reality is removed from the normal world.

But the moment you get home and the anaesthesia wears off and you're on pain-killers that don't really remove all the pain, and you take out strips of gauze from your mouth, completely soaked in blood... There, the violence does not elude you. It is there. You are not allowed to do strenuous work, lift heavy things, or even eat solid or hot food. You are to stay perfectly still, get long rest, otherwise the wound will open and you can bleed to death.

Yesterday, alone at home, I thought I was bleeding to death. I would wake up from stolen moments of sleep with blood coming out of my mouth. Suffice to say, the moment I have the go signal to carry things again, my bed sheets are going straight to the laundromat.

All alone with nothing to do, I had no choice but to listen to music and try to sleep. Of course, I couldn't... So many things entered my head. And one of them was to become invisible and start again.

In a way, I've already made a sort of reputation for myself. It is time to start over. Blank page. I was thinking of erasing (once again) the sites that I carry like Friendster and Connexion. Delete my accounts - maybe it is time to meet strangers the original way, through friends or seeing them face to face in a mall, on the streets or in a bar. This whole web thing is just too weird for me. My relationships have all been too, I don't know, strange and disjointed. I can't keep them up for long... I get lost in the fact that I don't really know who they are. I try to but being face to face is the true messenger of truth. And sometimes, people don't always appear as they seem.

I was also thinking of changing my phone. That would be sweet escape from the many non-sense that has been coming into my phone. Not just certain people I want to hide from but from the contests and the strange requests on my cell phone.

Speak to my skin, boy
Mock me with your stare
Tempt me... seduce me... Relieve me of despair
-- a text sent to my friend Jaypee (who gave me permission to spread it around)

Someone has returned to my life and has requested for the return of a lost friendship. An hour and a half conversation on the phone; I could not refuse. Am back to my old routine, found myself back at the start - am going in circles. Is this all there is?

There is a line from a horrible Filipino movie that goes: "Eto ang sukdulan ng iyong katangahan..." which translates roughly to "This is the point of no return in terms of your stupidity..." I'm reaching the point of no return in regards to my stupidity. How often must I let this person make me sparkle and then drop me to the sea? This person leaves and then comes back on terms that this person has made for the both of us.

I've realised at one point that I'm no longer good at playing games since I always get attached to the outcome, I always get attached to people and to things. I don't like sentimental songs yet I am a sentimental person.

I cannot let go of the things that I want. How strange, since I've always been able to let go of the things that I needed. You can even say I've let go of people that I needed. Is that how it is always going to be?

Is this all there is?