The Flight of the Rocketman

Another day, another night -- Breathless, Texas (written by Sharlene Spiteri and Johnny McElhone)

once again, i find myself in my mother's house. life has a strange way of spinning you in circles... once again, i'm settling down from a dizzy spell. i've been turning and, as we all know, when you turn, you don't go anywhere. there's a lot of movement but no distance covered.

i've disappeared into the darkness once again. i was lost for almost the equivalent of 2 days. i left the confines of shelter, all forms of shelter - physical, symbolic, intellectual; and cavorted into the darkness. i made it my bedfellow again. and darkness is a very strange bedfellow.

but you know what? i still recognize myself. i still know who i am. and there are no regrets... there should be none. but there is always something to feel sorry for... and there may be no use crying over spilt milk, but i'm sorry, the milk mattered to me. i was thirsty and i refuse to lick it off the floor. i still have my pride.

my world grew so small for 2 days. in the darkness there were many people, some i knew, a lot i didn't... but whatever the case maybe, i was lost and the problem was i knew how to get out. i just didn't want to. in the end, all the things you are running away from will catch up to you. there is no running away from something that is in the back of your head. you can't remove your head and run. but you can remove your legs and still think. sometimes, it's the fault of gravity; the changing of the tides, the pull of the moon, venus and mars... we can't help ourselves but move.

no, there are no excuses. there are no justifications for things that you need not apologize for. i am responsible for my own self, for my own actions and i did not harm others and removed their freedom. there was no harm done, no wrong committed.

but apologies are still in order -- jayce, my absence is not of any doing on your part... i'm fucked up at the moment, picking up pieces as they shatter day to day. sometimes i pick up a lot of pieces and seem whole; other days, i shatter more often than i can pick up the pieces... this weekend was the latter days...

kate, you are beautiful inside and out. i love you very much and i am honoured by your patience and reciprocation. i will make up for lost time. i'm coalescing...

jaypee, your epiphany was more beautiful than anything i've ever heard or seen or experienced for myself. your life is lived in grace, be it urban neon lights or tranquil bird song and sunshine... you are an artist not just because of your immense talent, but because you live your life surrounded by symbols and metaphors. you are truly blessed...

berna, i have said that you are a force of nature. i do not rescind from the statement... i fear all who call upon your wrath... i've always loved the storm...

to the kid, you have been erased as i have been replaced. but know this, you are nothing but a cheap imitation. i cannot be replaced nor can i be forgotten. you will only suffer in the comparison...

to the group, understand if i disappear but the kid's random appearances is not something that is good for my integration... i need to stay away from the drama that jump-starts my life... since i cannot ignore the pain, i will avoid the cause. the last thing i want to be is a drag...

to the people in the darkness: do not take my egress as a statement of any form of hatred. the truth is, i envy you, for the light that shines brightly inside. it may not be tended well, and it may not shine when you are not in the darkness, but it is sincere. the need is sincere, if not the cause. sometimes, that might just be enough...

to the three who i found in the darkness, to the "r", the "k" and the "c"; how fortunate to have found you. who knows if it was merely the bliss that has enraptured us and brought us together or if there is truly a connection there. whatever started the spark, let's keep the fire burning, eh...

to the baker, the hunter, the witness and the angel, to steve mcqueen, rhiannon and carey and all the other reasons why people write songs... i ask for some light now please. i don't want to go back to the darkness for a while...

let's give sobriety a chance... i take off the shackles of this bliss and return it from whereever it came. i don't want it anymore...

it's another day and another night. but this time, i'll be stepping forward...