The Flight of the Rocketman

You know the problem with people like me and you
We're too intelligent for our own good
And too stupid to know it's not true
-- Too Stupid, Layla Kaylif (written by Layla Kaylif and James Hallawell)

I've been thinking of leaving. I don't know why. Maybe the bright lights of Shanghai and the promise of a progressive land where if you work hard, you'll get what you deserve. That would be foolish of me to believe because it should be that way here in Manila as well, right? I mean, that should be the case anywhere in the world. But how come those words seem hollow? How come, all of a sudden, I feel that no matter how hard I work here in the Philippines, I'll never truly achieve that which I truly desire?

And as my brother says, I've only chosen Shanghai because it is the first city I've seen in a long time that appeals to my sensibilities. Should I, let's say, go to a European city, I'd be affected in the same way as I was by Shanghai. Whether true or not, I have opportunities and friends in Shanghai who would make it easier for me to move there. In a way, I have the key to that door. All I have to do is put it in, turn the knob and step through.

Rome, or shall we say Paris, well, I don't know anybody there who would help me get there. I'd have to look for the key first. The door shall remain locked to me.

All of a sudden, I want more than what my life here can offer me. I want so much more and I don't really feel like there is anything wrong with that. No matter how badly you rock the boat, things stay the same. It's a sad truth that I live with and I do not want to give up hope on my country but neither will I let my dreams die and fade away in the wind because of some foolish notion that I have that things are all right and things will get better. How many years has it been since we've all been saying that? It's not getting any better and with the sign of the times, it doesn't look like it will be anytime soon.

I'm just opening my eyes, adjusting to the light. This is the problem with comparison. Now there is a standard and this city just doesn't live up to mine. I'm very sorry. To be honest, I feel ashamed to say these things. I didn't want to ever leave my country; some part of me still doesn't... But ever since I've been focusing on myself and what I want to do, I've started realising certain things. I'm not letting go of my dreams. There is just so much that I can do and so much that I can still offer and I'm afraid that, if I do them here, all I will be is another abused, over-worked, under-paid employee in the unmoving hierarchy of the Philippine workforce.

I don't want to be jaded or sound like I've given up on my country. But I cannot abide by these systems and I cannot ride this tide. I just want to move on. Can I not just move on without sounding like another tired, disillusioned Filipino?

Yes, I was dazzled and mesmerized by the beautiful lights of the Paris of Asia. Why not? Don't we all deserve to be? And shouldn't my country be able to offer me just as much? As they say, "It's not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country."

I'm sorry but I want to be a little selfish at the moment. I'm looking at my options, I'm checking out the routes; figuring out the destination. I only have so much time before I can figure things out and choose a place and then go. I'll do what I can for my country and then I'm going to do what I can for myself. They also say, "God helps those who help themselves..."

That's what I plan to do.