The Flight of the Rocketman

Love is a necessary intimacy, though what breaks
across velvet and rain and skin is only
a desiring, whose other name is pain.
-- xx, Only a Desiring (Christelle Mariano)

The hurt was inescapable. Twice in one week, almost twice in the span of 3 days. I felt like my heart was ready to explode. I swear, I could have died. It was so painful, I almost lost all control.

The first incident was in a mall and part of the pain was hiding it from plain sight. But I failed. People looked at me funny and were wondering "what is wrong with him?" But I saw someone I wish I didn't and the effect was unbearable pain. And I felt like crying and screaming and assaulting random people and objects.

The other time was in a party. And someone who made me feel special; someone I thought was special had appeared. I was already forewarned and I thought that I could handle it. But once the reality was there, in front of my face; I realised I had to get drunk in order to survive. If I was not drunk, I would have killed that person. I would've thrown a bottle still full just for full effect; forced a confrontation. I wanted to die. I wanted to hurt that person so badly.

Certain questions needs answering/certain things need being said:

(To the first person) Why did you ask me back as your friend if you aren't even going to try and be my friend? Why do you care? Why did you come back? Why do you waste your words on me? Leave me be. No matter how your beauty moves me; I need peace. I wish you would just tell me that I didn't matter and that you made a mistake. I wish you would tell me that I should just go and that it would be better if we thought we were strangers. Pretending nothing happened is easier when it's mutual.

(To the second person) I want to know if what we had was real and when you met my best friend, you dropped me for him; or was my best friend really the target from the very beginning and I fell for some stupid play? Was it so easy to drop me? Is he more important to you than I? Does he understand you like you said I do? Is it all lust and passion that you are after? Did you not lust after me? And how do you feel when you see me? Is there shame? Or is it just like seeing some old photograph? Did you even know how much you hurt me? Did you even know that I was destroyed? And did you care? Did you even think to apologise? Did you even think that I could hurt you? Did you even think that maybe I have ways and means to turn everything against you? Do you think I could do it? Do you think I'll do it?

How to chart the movements of longing, silent
as this? Where our breaths collide, we find
that language fiercer than burning.
-- vi, Only a Desiring (Michael Morco)

I'm several steps to disillusionment. I am several steps closer to the edge. I'm almost at the point of jadedness. I don't want to believe in love. I don't want to fall in love again. Every person I've fallen in love with has only served to frustrate me. Some have used me and the others have abused me. I wonder why. What is my karma that I attract these kinds of people, that I attract this kind of treatment?

I can hear groans again. "Wanggo is talking about love and desire and being hurt again..." Yes, I'm sorry but these things are important to me. I've put a great big emphasis on love and desire and passion. It moves me; it is fuel. And I've got none to burn. Only ambition remains - the fear of anonymity is keeping me busy; keeping me from sinking into oblivion.

I have been hurt. I've been used. I've begun to protect myself and the sad part is, one day, someone who will love me and take care of me will come and I won't be there to accept it. I'll be spiteful, hurtful and I will test this person's resolve. And this person may not want to be tested and may just leave. And I'll think that I was right all along... But I was wrong. I was just so afraid of getting hurt again.

To the two people who have hurt me so badly right now: how could you forget that you affect the people around you? And I told you how you affect me so. We were at a point of honesty and I told you and you both had no decency to let me go softly. You dropped me hard and I shattered. Thank your gods that I no longer cast spells and curses. Thank your gods I am not the kind of person who gets even.

And what burns must give in to fading, like
lightning drawing back into the sky, or stars
fallen, obscured by morning light.
-- xxi, Only a Desiring (January Velasco)

And I'm at a loss... No strength in my body except to find pleasure or pain. I want more pain to reach a point of numbness. I want to reach pleasure to reach a point of forgetting. And then, there will be those moments of closing in; of reflection - when one enters into him/herself and evaluates - and there will be only disgust.

I thought I was stronger than this. I had no idea that strength was a constant thing -- it must be constantly worked on. It is something that you switch on and then maintained. It is not some subconscious thing, that you just switch and then, you are invulnerable.

Maybe for others it is so. But it is not that way for me. I lose myself in my feelings. I take pride in feeling things deeply. Except now, it has almost killed me. It has definitely changed me. I wonder if I will recognise myself...

In the stillness, we grope for vestiges
of sparks gone from each other's eyes,
while the morning fills with unspoken reasons.
-- xiv, Only a Desiring (Wanggo Gallaga)

Post Script:
I've accidentally removed the comments portion of my blog when I changed the format. I thought that since I was undergoing so many changes, I thought that the things around me should alter in a similar manner. So I chose a new lay-out for my blog and then, in re-publishing it, I accidentally removed the comments portion and all the comments already in it... I'm such a stupid dunce!

Friends, please advice me on how to return it. Blog-users, there is a portion in the settings of the blog that says "comments" and I put it in "show" but I don't see it? What do I do? Help!