The Flight of the Rocketman

I want to be naked running through the streets
I want to invite this so-called chaos that you think I dare not be
I want to be weightless flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations but the shoes upon my feet
-- So-Called Chaos, Alanis Morissette

Wow! It's been an Alanis week, huh? Tough rock-chic music just gets me through the days. When work piles up, and I've been running through the seconds with three things on my mind, one goal in the oven baking and a heart that refuses to remember past hurts; it's just great to be able to come home and listen to Alanis singing "You live, you learn" or Sheryl Crow bursting out "You don't bring me anything but down."

Other people who've been helping me out? Skunk Anansie, Beth Orton, Chantal Kreviazuk, Pink, Sarah McLachlan and Fiona Apple. Once in a while (when I think no one can hear) I play a little Norah Jones because all that anger and angst can just be a drag sometimes.

I've been nothing but work these past few days. Opportunities come all at once, flood or famine. I never get the in-between. I am never given a chance to breathe, no lee way. It's either I learn to swim in the floods that come or search for a drink in the droughts that strike. Lightning never hits the same place twice, they say. So I will swim now. I'll let go of all the little things on the side; let's allow ourselves to be overwhelmed during these moments.

I'm just glad that I can still go to the gym as often as I do. I go almost everyday and I'm glad for that. But while the changes are getting a little more apparent everyday, my stomach refuses to trim down. I can feel the hardness underneath; but I feel the years of alcohol has yet to subside. I've already pretty much given up drinking. I am just scared to enter a diet. I can't. I love food. Food is a metaphor for living. I have reduced respect for people who are picky and choosy over their food.

I've always believed that you can just burn off whatever you've eaten and I have to believe in that. Because if I like the food, I will help myself to 4 servings. Fuck the calories! Give me pleasure in my taste buds. I want the cosmic taste electricity coursing through my tongue! Let it play a fucking fiesta in my mouth! I love food. I don't want to give it up...

I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known how to rest this bygone
I want to be soft and resolved and clean of slate and released
I want to forgive for the both of us
-- This Grudge, Alanis Morissette

I'm in a better mood now. I hope this stays for long. But I've always been in a good mood when certain things go my way. And I may still feel a bit unloved and betrayed and hurt. But I've got tons of work; it's an appreciation that cannot be substituted by love or affection. After all, isn't that expected from those who love you? But by people who don't and they ask for you, want to work with you and want to hear your ideas, your opinions; that is an appreciation that cannot be taken away.

I'm a busy bee at work. If that is where I should find my worth; then that's where I shall begin the excavation.