The Flight of the Rocketman

How proud I am, dancing in the air full of eyes rubbing at me uncovered, unable to look away because of what I am. Those poor hoptoads behind me are silent. I've conquered them. They thought to use and shame me but I win out by nature, because a true freak cannot be made. A true freak must be born. -- Geek Love, Katherine Dunn

Tomorrow I vote. I vote for my country. I vote for myself. I've been to Shanghai and see how progressive the country is. My brother was in Bangkok for a couple of days and he saw how progressive it has become. We heard that Malaysia is progressive and that Vietnam has begun to show signs of growth. My country is being left behind. We don't seem to have the gumption to care enough to try and make things work. The people who can afford to run and make an impact are mostly thieves and rats and goons. It's just not fair. Many people who actually have ideals and would want to change the status quo, well, they can't afford the campaigning... Sad, how very sad...

My bosses are enjoying their vacation in Boracay and I'm here resting, enjoying the freedom of just being able to move on my own accord. To not have someone dictate to me what I should do and what I should be doing at that very moment. It drives me insane. I am a free-spirit. I hate it when people dictate what I should do, where I should go and how I should speak. I hate it. It's one of the reasons why I don't want to get into an office job. And all of a sudden, it's happening again. Maybe my boss has forgotten that I'm a free-lancer. Maybe my boss has forgotten that she doesn't pay me enough to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

Wait! Stop! I don't want to go there... No complaining... I'm avoiding going into my regular blue funk period by not focusing on the things that pisses me off... I don't want to do that. I think I can pass that horrible period of depression by ignoring it. By trying to not let it affect me.

I've noticed that I've been spending a lot lately... Consumer therapy. When I start to feel bad, I start buying stuff. I have 2 new books (which are not disappointing me, thank God!), some CDs, really nice stuff... I would treat myself to nice lunches or dinners... I would drink a bit when I go out. Things like that. Consumer therapy. Spending money to make yourself feel better... Spending money to make you feel good. It's that feeling of superiority. That what you see, you can afford, you can acquire and you can make your own. It's that power that makes you feel better. And I've been needing to do that for some time. And it actually works. Sometimes, I forget that I'm having a downslump - that it is that time of the year when I get depressed.

I can't stand these mood swings. It's become routine, regular... seasonal. 3 months of depression, 1 month of pure joy and then back to 3 months of depression. It sucks. But sometimes I can cut short the depression period to 2 months and hold off the joy periods for a little longer... Like my happiness period lasted from last week of February to the 3rd week of April. That's pretty good, for me.

It's the way things go... It's the roll of the dice, the way the smoke rises in the air. There are things I cannot control and I will not bother with them. I will try my best not to think of them and not to bother with them. I won't focus on them so I can just live my life good and normal.

But there are some things I can change and that is why tomorrow I am going to vote. Because I complain about my country and if I complain, I have to be able to say I did something about it. If anything, voting is securing your right to complain.

And I have a lot of complaints...