The Flight of the Rocketman

but this won't work now the way it oncedid
and i won't keep it up even though i would love to
once i know who i'm not then i'll know who i am
but i know i won't keep on playing the victim
-- Precious Illusions by Alanis Morissette

Yesterday, work just crumbled apart again because my producers and my host just do not get along anymore. Well, I spent most of my day finishing up little details that needed tying together. Loose ends, so to speak. One of them included going to our segment host and giving him the last of the checks we owe him. He was released from the show because he didn't jive. In my opinion, he could have saved it. His humour and crazy antics were just so much fun to watch.

We caught up, having not seen each other in a while and then, just talking, telling him about how I maybe going to Shanghai next year, I wasn't sure. He was pretty excited for me. Then he told me I should go to New York. He said I could make it there. He said I have what it takes to make it there. He called me a "survivor."

Strangely enough, that was the first of two people who said that about me and seventh of nine people who said that about me this whole week.

Everyone believes I'm this survivor. Everyone believes that I can make it. Actually, it is my own press release to people. After my traumatic experiences (which everyone knows about because I'm such a drama queen), people ask me if I'm going to be okay. I always respond with, "of course, I always am. I'm the get-down-get-up-again guy!"

And it's true, really. I'm always brought down and find myself back up again, trying and trying...

and any talk of healthiness
and any talk of connectedness
and any talk of resolving this
leaves you running for the door

why why do i try to love you
try to love you when you really don't want me to
-- Narcissus by Alanis Morissette

Surprisingly enough, my friend also said something. He asked if I was okay and then asked about failed relationships. I told him, "yeah, I was coming from two that never really took off..." He looked at me, grimaced in sympathy, feeling my pain. He looked at me in the eye. He knew. He said, "Wanggo, don't close your heart. You'll probably try to but don't close it. Leave it open. I'm telling you, one day, pretty soon, someone is going to want to come in."

I'm just tired of all the comings and goings. I can't really catch up. Sometimes, I wonder if being honest about how I feel about things and persons is really admirable and worth it. And should I even bother when, in the end, I'm left with no one and nothing.

I get left behind. I'm abandoned and exiled by the people I am in love with. Is being honest about how I feel really important? My good friend Jaypee told me, play a little. Don't show them how you feel. Make them run to you.

Will it work? The question, I guess, I'm so afraid of asking is, will they run after me? Is that why I throw myself at these people? Because I'm afraid that if I don't, they won't even bother to come near me. Jaypee said to me, "Wanggo, you really are so insecure, it's getting in the way you deal with people."

It's probably true. Do I start playing now? I don't like playing games? I don't want to. But is this how you get a partner? Who knows, really?

I just don't want to chase anyone anymore. Too much effort. I'll only give you the time of a day if you go to me. Make the effort, let me see. Then maybe I'll glance at you. And of course, you got to be of my standards, or don't even bother...

but this won't work as the way it once did
cuz i want to decide between survival and bliss
and though i know who i'm not
i still don't know who i am
but i know i won't keep on playing the victim
-- Precious Illusion by Alanis Morissette