The Flight of the Rocketman

Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body, so sick in his soul
Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful
Oh, and everything I am
-- Reasons to be Beautiful, words by Courtney Love and performed by Hole

I just borrowed the digital camera of my good friend Berna and suffice to say; the true extent of my vanity reared its ugly head! Ha Ha Ha I washed my face and hair; put on gel and then began shooting away at home. My brother and Mom kept shouting, "You're so vain" and all I could reply was "I know!"

And it's funny... I eat so much and I didn't realise how thin I've become. On the pictures, my cheeks have sunken in and it is kind of scary... I don't recognize the face in the pictures and the face I see in the mirror. They look alike. But they are not the same face. Is that even possible? Or is the face the same, is it me who does not recognize that both images are mine? Do I really look different on my everyday than my face when I see a camera pointed at my direction?

Yesterday, I was at work from 1 in the afternoon until 3 in the morning. It was insane. I was so tired afterwards but hey! It was great. I started learning how to use the editing application (we use Adobe Premiere in our editing) and it's really a lot of fun. I love the whole idea of cut and pasting the interviews - cutting down a whole interview from 20 minutes to 4 minutes. It's amazing work! The tricks of editing are endless.

Right now, I'm listening to The Prayer Cycles with my Mom and I've forgotten how gorgeous this album is. Jonathan Elias' compositions are just unbelievable. It really makes you stop and think about what's going on in your life. And truth of the matter is, the happiness I had, the elation I was speaking of in my Blog last February, I let it go. I lost it. And it was me who dropped it. I let people affect me more than I should have let them. I expected too much. I was reading my blog from February all the way until March and discovered how happy I was and that I could achieve it. It really is just a simple thing. I let it go. I guess I'm just the type of person who puts too much importance on other's opinions... Well, "others" meaning certain people. And when our communication lines broke down, I felt like it was a personal comment on my person, which it isn't. It never is...

Just because someone doesn't feel as much about you as you do for them doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It is all a matter of opinion and personal preferences. That goes to say about everything in this world. That's the only problem with human beings and the ability to think. We tend to trash and destroy the things that we don't like when, in truth, it probably is very much liked and admired by someone else. And God knows no one has a right to impose their standards on anybody else's. So we have to put ourselves behind the lines that we make and not go over it.

For all we know, we might be substandard to someone else's frame of reference... So I won't take these silences as an expression of rejection. Maybe the person just doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I am not what the person is looking for. I can handle that. I'm sure it must've been the same way for some other people with regards to myself. I'm not going to go out of my way to look. I'm not the kind of person who does. But if it comes, I've never denied it. I push it to the limits. It's the only way to know if it is going to stay and if it is worth it.

Hey you were right
Named a star for your eyes
Did you freeze did you weep
Turn to gold, baby, sleep

Hey honey mine
I was there all the time
And I weep at your feet
And it rains and rains
-- Reasons to be Beautiful, words by Courtney Love and performed by Hole