The Flight of the Rocketman

I just can't shake this feeling of anxiety... Things seem to be going well for me; but the whole idea that I'm going to be moving out and really, honestly striking it out alone really, really freaks me out. After all; things have been quite easy these past few years.

Despite the fact that I tried my best to be as independent as possible; I was really sheltered. Simple things like paying for electricity and water went totally past me. Not having to bother about laundry was a leisure I took for granted. Now, in the next few weeks, I'll be living alone and I am thinking about dishwashing liquid, toilet paper and buying lysol and those black trash bags. It's an extreme shift in thinking for me. It's exciting - I'm 25; it is about fucking time anyhow for me to strike it out on my own but it's scared because there is no safety net down there. If I drop, I fall to my death. I guess it's my pride. There is no way I'm going to live with my grandparents. At the same time, I really don't want to get a roommate because I like the privacy and the fact I'll be calling all the shots for myself.

And geez, I'm smart enough to know that getting a roommate is almost like getting a wife. It's like a marriage. It will definitely break friendships. Especially with the kind of personality that I have. I'll just tolerate all the things that bother me about the person and then, one moment, I'm just going to burst and it won't be a pretty sight.

As much as I am exploring the new landscape of my inner bastard, I'm still inherently a martyr. So I know that my personality does not really call for me to have a roommate.

I wonder what this new dynamic is going to do for everything about me. With most of my money going to utilities and rent; will I be going out less and less? Will I be foregoing my purchasing of original music? Will I be looking for more and more work, giving up an active social life (not that my social life was active these past few weeks).

God! I've been working so hard; I miss my friends and just hanging out. It's something I really miss. Not so much the "going out" part but I miss just hanging out with my friends, a little bit of the dressing up and just telling stories. Telling what is going on in my life right now. And now... I'm moving out, I'm getting my own place.

This is just so weird...