The Flight of the Rocketman

"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, that one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one's love upon other human individuals." -- George Orwell

I just love the above quote very much. My Dad sent it to me via text (he always sends me such wonderful quotes) and I think this one is one of the truest; if not, then at least the one I relate to the most.

Are we not all willing to commit sins in the name of loyalty? Who has not? I have. Plenty of sins. Plenty of times. And I'd probably do it again. That's just the kind of person I am. And I try never to put art above communication. I love art - I believe it is one of the greatest things in the world. I believe art is important because it reminds us what it means to be human. It reminds us what it means to feel. But to put that reminder over communication; the ability to transfer ideas just seems contrary to the reason why I love it so much.

And I am always prepared to be defeated and broken up by life because of love. I think, if anything, this blog has proven that. The way I straddle over precariously the thin line between desparate and pathetic (a line I wish I never was on, and yet, I will not deny that I reside in) is telling of the way that love affects me and how powerful I truly believe that word is.

As Natalie Merchant sings in one of her songs, "Jezebel:"

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bounds me to you. I'm just saying we've mistaken one for thousands of words.

And then she continues:

I'm not saying that I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you. I'm not saying love's a plaything. No, it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire to bind myself to you.

By the way, it's also a great song. Both the original version and the Unplugged live version. Gorgeous song. Look for it. Get your own copy. It's one of the best songs the 10,000 Maniacs ever released while they were with Natalie Merchant.

In a way, I feel like Natalie Merchant will understand me. I look at a lot of the lyrics of her songs and find myself relating very strongly to them. Today, the screw up in the schedule gave me a whole afternoon off and so I decided to enjoy myself - solitary; alone with my own person. I visited people but spent a better part of the day alone, walking around Glorietta and just absorbing the changes that are about to come. It was good. To do what I want, when I want and at my own discretion.

I saw a couple holding each other and talking; except the man had a second phone, hidden in his jacket. I saw it when he went in the bathroom. Anyway, who would wear a jacket in the middle of summer?

I saw an old man leading his daughter along the mall. She wanted to stop at a toy store. He didn't notice. He tugged her along and went to a store selling watches.

I saw a clerk in a store who whined and complained that she hadn't sold anything that whole day; yet she remained motionless in her spot by the cashier. She made no attempt to approach a customer and make a sale.

"Have I been blind? Have I been lost? Have I been wrong? Have I been wise? Have I been strong? Have I been hypnotized? Mesmerized by what my eyes have found in that great street carnival? In that carnival?" -- Carnival, Natalie Merchant

I find myself shedding skin. The sunburn has begun to peel. A layer of myself has come lose. I scrub it off with a lufa when I shower. Yet I can't get rid of it all. It takes its time. It will run its course in due time. How can I not feel this moment to be metaphorical? The peeling off of layers. My shedding in a moment of absolute vulnerability. To all who know, you know I will be alone, all on my own. You know what I will be going through in the next couple of weeks. I'm both frightened and excited - but I believe more frightened than anything else that I could possibly feel.

The tether is severed. I sail the oceans for the first time too far from shore without a map to return to. All of this as I turn 25. Quarter of a century old. I guess that means there was no better time that this...