The Flight of the Rocketman

I just want to be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile
-- Homecoming (Walter's Song), written and performed by Vienna Teng

I spent most of my birthday in Quadrillon, the old studio unit I used to live in. I was cleaning house, in preparation for my brother's eventually moving in. I ended up throwing old pictures, old letters, old artworks. I decided to keep only the things I felt that mattered. How strange, really, to be spending your twenty-fifth birthday getting rid of the past. It couldn't have been any more symbolic had I written it myself. It was really quite exhilirating to be letting go of the past and just looking forward. It was truly a conscious decision to not keep any tangible traces of these moments. They will be remembered in my head, in my heart and will be remembered the way I want to remember them. There will be no letter, no picture, no trace of the life that I once lived. It will be dictated by my memory.

And we all know memory is not a reliable thing.

My good friend DC then came by and hung out with me at my Mom's condo. I haven't seen this guy since December and I miss him dearly. Someone I truly connect with in so many aspects, so many levels. His friendship is true and solid, at least. He's someone I don't hear from in weeks but I always know that he will be out there watching my back, as I hope he knows that I will be out there watching his. Things that distance or time does not rend apart. Our friendship is not some brittle thing. It does not crack at the mere touch of the heavy hand.

I find myself at a strange crossroad. My refusal to be sad or angry is keeping me confused. The person who has made me quite happy in the past few days (weeks, maybe) has begun to play games. I don't want to play games anymore. One of the reasons why this person has become so endearing to me is the fact that this person never played games, was always honest and true. And now, we find ourselves with coded messages, texts that seem so innocent yet ripe and full of meaning. The last two texts sounds like good bye. Maybe this person has returned to the significant other... How strange, really. Something I promised myself I would never become - somebody's number two. And all of a sudden, I met someone I felt was wonderful and great and was honest to me about everything and I was willing to become number two. And that was okay with me.

But now... games have begun and I don't want to play. I refuse to play. I said it a while ago and I will say it again: you may win the game, but anyone who plays always loses. The heart is not something that you just play with. It's about setting foundations of trust. I'm in a point in my life where if I am going to get serious then I'll get serious. There's no such thing as half-baked. If it's casual sex, it's casual sex; nothing more. You want to get serious with me, then we get serious. I'm not in it for the ride. I've been on my share of taxi cabs and other metaphors for riding, I don't need another one.

So do I have the strength to let go. Not yet. But give me time. You want to play games? Find another player. This one won't jump through no burning hoops to impress a crowd. I'm nobody's monkey. Not anymore.

Does that make me someone who is not willing to risk all for love? I don't think so. I don't toy around with my feelings. I've made the admission - I said I was falling in love. If this person wants to drop the ball, then fine. That's the perogative of the one who now carries the choice. And I respect the decisions you make. Hey! It's your life, not mine. And I don't believe in imposing my own beliefs on other people. I just don't.

But I'm not going to be unhappy or disappointed by all this. No way. I have no reason to be. I'm happy now, I've got control (or at least a semblance of control) of my life and I plan to take it as far as I can. I know I only have a limit of three to four months of happiness before I sink into my depression. I want my three to four months of happiness. Nobody is taking this away from me.

Nobody.