The Flight of the Rocketman

God! I was writing here, almost ending and my Dad's fucking computer just fucking died on my ass... Everything I wrote, over 5 paragraphs long lost to a stupid malfunction! Ugh! I don't seem to have the heart to write down what I had already written. Here goes...

But the dreaming is finished. Out of many possible natures of time, imagined in as many nights, one seems compelling. Not that the others are impossible. The others might exist in other worlds. -- Einstein's Dreams, Alan Lightman

Let's see, I was talking about Friday night. Friday night found me in the 99 party in Greenbelt 1, Expo Exchange. The organizers of the event wanted to recapture the feel and the vibe of the raves of 1999. So they put together the 99 party and it was wonderful. It was a great idea. All the DJs had to play the music of that era; the period when I started to go out and party. Fantastic DJs were present, the Philippines' best, in my opinion - Kevin Ruiz, Anthony Kierulf, Nick Jurado and of course, Manolet Dario. It was fabulous - the venue, the lights, the crowd, everybody dancing. I would have been dancing also. Would have, because I was working.

How strange to have been there, the perfect event; the perfect party for me and I was working. The Cory Quirino Show, the television show I am writing for was tapped as a media partner and we had to cover it. And so instead of dancing, I was running around after our camera man, taking down notes and getting the names and the occupation of the people we were interviewing. I was able to dance for 10 minutes when the camera man was shooting incidental footage but then the shoot was over and I had to go. I could've stayed but I felt I had to go to the office to finish the editing. My friends told me I could've edited the following day but why wait? Work is work. It pays my bills, give me a feeling of self-worth. That's just me. I'm trying to build a work ethic I can be proud of.

But the 10 minutes of dancing was wonderful! It was Manolet Dario, who in my opinion is the best DJ of the Philippines and his sound was absolutely fantastic! It was smoking! I was dancing, hollering and clapping. He's a legend and deserves to be. Those 10 minutes were the best of my life.

And our second co-host, Australian model Corey Wills was amazing. It was his first time to host anything and he was nervous but after the second or third shot, he was so at ease in his new role. It was amazing. I was so envious. I wish I had that sort of comfortability with the camera and the attention. I want it, I love it; but I can't deal with it. There he was, in front of the camera and talking to people, some strangers and he was just himself - natural, at ease. I would have been shaking all throughout. I want to be able to do that, I want the attention but when I get it, I start to freeze. A shiver, a chill starts to run down my spine, my mind starts skipping. I wish I had that confidence. Maybe it's because he's Buddhist. It's a zen thing. He's amazing. He should have his own show.

I wrote another song today and it's called "Smoke City." It isn't the best song and it's probably an album filler; not so much as a single but I still think it's good. I'm just so proud of myself - someone with no musical training or background, just an absolute desire and love of music and I've written 7 songs in 2 months. Not bad at all, in my opinion. And this was the most complicated yet, the melody sorts of shifts from verse to refrain to chorus and then bridge. I'm kind of proud of that. My other songs, though more beautiful, have more or less similar melodic patterns from verse to chorus. Probably the first song I've written "Your Name on My Hand" is the most complex but that was really lightning. It came from nowhere; a gift from the heavens, really. But this one, it just came to me. And it's not a love song. I like that aspect about it too.

One day I will learn to play the guitar and piano and I'll be able to carry a note and I'll sing these songs. I'll produce music. It isn't an impossible dream. Not anymore. Nothing really can stop me now. I have strength in my bones, I have power running through my veins. It's true, really. You can achieve anything if you put your whole body, mind and soul to it. The only thing, really, that is stopping us is fear. It's the real killer.

So like I wrote in one song "Don't Stop at the Green Light" : "fear is the killer, don't be killed." There is a lot of truth in that...