The Flight of the Rocketman

This day has been so strange. I spent most of the late afternoon packing up my little pad. Putting all of my Dad's things in boxes so it can be sent to him in Bacolod. Later on, I start cleaning up my stuff and I find old pictures of the days before I became what I am now. I found pictures of my bohemian days in College. Pictures of my unkempt hair, my oversized clothes, my crazy poses and faces. I saw pictures of my old friends and my ex. I saw an old polo shirt from High School, on graduation day, filled with writings from my friends in High School. I threw them all away. No record kept of those days. They are all gone. It doesn't seem to matter anymore. And I don't hold a special place for those things anymore. The memories in my head seem like a better place to keep them. I can twist it and change the little details in my head to what I need them to be. I'll always remember them for how it was truly, really, but when the time comes, I can adjust it, tweak it to make it what I want it to be or even what I need it to be.

In a way, I was saying good bye to my little pad. Slowly, I am moving back in with my Mom and letting go of the place so my brother and my sister-in-law can take over. No more wild parties. No more little rendezvous. No more private intimate moments there. It is now whatever my brother and sister will want it to be. The power to breathe life into that place is no longer mine to control. It is theirs now.

And there was sadness, the sadness that always comes when you are letting go of something or saying good bye. And in a way, by getting rid of old papers, notes, letters and pictures, I was saying good bye to things that were. They never will be again. And I guess, at the time, it was better to have nothing tangible to hold on to. I'll just keep it in my head. In a way, it is better. It makes things more meaningful. It happened and I know it and I don't need some object to remind me that it did occur.

And then, just a while ago, in a very uncomfortable moment of being teased and cajoled, I got swept away. I find myself smiling and I'm giddy all over. And things are extremely complicated. And I know it is transient, fleeting, even improper considering the other person's current situation; but I can't help but smile and shiver. I was swept away but a smile. And I'm being chased in the way that I want to be chased. My God! I don't even know if I had a chance to flirt with all my giddy feelings. I guess not... but my body reacted accordingly.

How strange! I feel so happy all of a sudden, like everything is right in the world, you know? Everything is the way it should be. I mean, things are still shitty - my finances, my relationships with certain people, my life in general. But this tiny little niche just opened up and I find myself falling in. And for what? Breakfast? Hehehe I'm actually giggling.

And what? All of a sudden, all the darkness seems to lift, even for a moment. I'm not falling in love. I hope not. Because I'll just get hurt in the process. But this little bit of bliss... how strange... I don't know what to say? My goodness! I'm struck dumb!