The Flight of the Rocketman

Pas Encore Vaincu (not yet defeated)

We've all had our fun and games. We've all had our pretensions and our little vanities. We've all had our laughs at each other's expense and other people's expense. We've all danced around the razor's edge and played with fire.

Happy New Year, it was the first day of our burning. In-between coffee in malls, drinking from eleven in the evening until three or four in the morning, dissing people "beneath our standards" we were never really growing up. We were learning, acquiring important information, slowly accummulating what was needed for the next major decision, which never really was too difficult to make.

All it takes is one little moment, and all of a sudden, it's no longers games, fun or laughter. It's no longer about how much you've drunk, how well you dance and how good you look. It's not about the places you've been, the clothes you've worn, the books you've read or the movies you've watched. It all becomes about the person beside you and how much you really care about that person, that despite the fact that you're staring straight into their eyes and hoping to God that they won't let go, that they will keep fighting and holding on, you know that the chance of it is there. You might never see this person again.

All of a sudden, you are hit by some powerful, gigantic wake up call. This could've been really bad, you think, and not truly recognising the fact that you were extremely lucky this time round. Really lucky. It wasn't meant to teach you pain or loss or chance, it was all about growing up, facing something that was real. Facing something that was larger than yourself and then choosing to do something with your life. To do something with this thing that we were given.

I was always, always have been, ready to go first. As they say, Death is easy, it is living that's hard. It never even occurred to me that anytime soon, I might be losing someone. I just wanted to cry but I couldn't, I wouldn't. I had to be strong. Several hours later, the tears refuse to fall and you lose that sense of catharsis. That freedom that comes with release. Holding on to strength exhausts the mind and the body.

I am thankful. I am humbled. I am changed. I was so depressed over tiny, little stupid things. I thought I was hardening my heart for pain. I was making myself numb and preparing for loneliness. There is no preparation for that but the real thing. It almost happened. Something precious and beautiful was almost lost. And things must change now. Things will change now.

I will be 25 soon. Quarter of a century old. Now is a good time as any to wake up and grow up. Better late than never, they always say.