About Me
- Name: wanggo
- Location: Philippines
I'm one of the many modern, everyday gods trying to re-ascend into the heavens...
Links
- Indulgence
- Watching Things Burn
- The Proudest Monkey
- The Prothiaden Adventure
- Soloflite
- Uncharted Waters
- The World Through Chinky Eyes
- I Like It Here
- Kage's Travel Blog
- Risk It All
- Dating Kundiman (a bookshop)
- Candid Moments of Lucidity
- Calamansi (Cat's Blog)
- The World Is My Playground
- Den of Iniquity
Archives
- 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
- 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
- 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
- 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
- 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
- 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
- 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
- 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
- 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
- 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
- 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
- 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
- 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
- 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
- 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
- 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
- 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
"I think it's gonna be a long, long time, `till touchdown brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home... I'm a rocketman, burning out his fuel out here alone..." Rocketman by Elton John and Bernie Taupin.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Oh I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share/ I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there/ Shelter - give them shelter from the coming storm/ Shelter - give them shelter from the coming storm -- Shelter, written and performed by Sarah McLachlan
"No." A very simple, two letter word. It requires only one syllable to utter. Just a tiny movement of the mouth. "No." Yet it is one of the hardest things to ever say to anybody. Funny, as I thought, that anger that fueled the previous entry is gone. I was just tired and, well, coming from a weird strange day but the emotion felt was real. I'm not saying that it didn't mean anything, yes, it did. But all I need is one night's sleep and everything is okay.
I still think what he said was painful but it is past me now. It doesn't really matter anymore. At the end of the day, it was still he who needed something from me. But funny that I would receive a comment from someone I'm not quite familiar with asking me to just say "no."
I find it funny because if he really knew me, then he'd know that I wouldn't be able to. Thousands of people, family and friends, even strangers have told me that and still I cannot do it. I have no capacity to make people not like me. I have this unbelievable, crippling desire to be liked and loved. To say no, I guess in my head, would be tantamount to making someone not like me. It's a very foolish thing to think. But this is the world as I see it and God knows I'm half-blind and crazy.
And that's another thing I do not like about myself. The act of sleeping makes me forget the anger and hatred in my heart. It's not a bad thing. But it makes me more susceptible to people using me. People who've hurt me know they can do it again because they know they just have to wait for me to wake up and all is okay. All is gone. Vanished into thin air.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to not sleep. To stay awake and keep it. Fight for what I think is mine. Fight for what I believe to be what is right. I want to stay awake so that if they try to come back at me, anybody, with the intent of pushing me to my limits, see how far they can go, I can grab a 10 inch spike and nail their foot to the floor! I don't want to be stepped on anymore. I don't want to be nobody's doormat anymore.
But how many years have I been saying that?
"No." A very simple, two letter word. It requires only one syllable to utter. Just a tiny movement of the mouth. "No." Yet it is one of the hardest things to ever say to anybody. Funny, as I thought, that anger that fueled the previous entry is gone. I was just tired and, well, coming from a weird strange day but the emotion felt was real. I'm not saying that it didn't mean anything, yes, it did. But all I need is one night's sleep and everything is okay.
I still think what he said was painful but it is past me now. It doesn't really matter anymore. At the end of the day, it was still he who needed something from me. But funny that I would receive a comment from someone I'm not quite familiar with asking me to just say "no."
I find it funny because if he really knew me, then he'd know that I wouldn't be able to. Thousands of people, family and friends, even strangers have told me that and still I cannot do it. I have no capacity to make people not like me. I have this unbelievable, crippling desire to be liked and loved. To say no, I guess in my head, would be tantamount to making someone not like me. It's a very foolish thing to think. But this is the world as I see it and God knows I'm half-blind and crazy.
And that's another thing I do not like about myself. The act of sleeping makes me forget the anger and hatred in my heart. It's not a bad thing. But it makes me more susceptible to people using me. People who've hurt me know they can do it again because they know they just have to wait for me to wake up and all is okay. All is gone. Vanished into thin air.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to not sleep. To stay awake and keep it. Fight for what I think is mine. Fight for what I believe to be what is right. I want to stay awake so that if they try to come back at me, anybody, with the intent of pushing me to my limits, see how far they can go, I can grab a 10 inch spike and nail their foot to the floor! I don't want to be stepped on anymore. I don't want to be nobody's doormat anymore.
But how many years have I been saying that?
