The Flight of the Rocketman

Love at times is minimal; it says, Hold On
And as time runs out says nothing more.
-- It Mends, Peter Abbs

To a particular someone: Why do we engage in this game of cat and mouse? Sometimes you're hot and other times you are cold. We all know you are leaving in 3 weeks. And one moment you are all giddy and excited like a little child, somewhat happy to see me. You tease, you flirt, you smile. And then, just so suddenly, after the movie, you are brooding, off tangent, oblique. Remember, it was you who wanted to chase, so I let myself be chased. It was you who wanted to "hand out" with me. So we hung out. And all of a sudden, I get the cold shoulder. I thought I had shown you interest? And now, that nothing is defined or settled, I get these random texts of your returned interest. We all know that this is just some game to be taken as far as we will let it. You will leave in 3 weeks and have someone to return to. We are both old enough to know what we are getting into.

And what about the other night when we went out? Is it true you were hitting on someone else? Did you not think it would reach me? As I have said, I will know of it. After all, people tell me everything. I will know. But do I bother telling you that I know? I am not the confrontational type at all. But this is all just a little game, right? But then again, if it is a game, then why will I take it personally that you hit on someone else when you wanted to "hang out" with me?

Ah! The little games people play. I have said often, I used to play games. And I played them well. I was very good at them, actually. The only reason why I lost was that I took the outcome of every game seriously, personally. And when you start doing that, it is no longer a game. And that's the only reason why I was losing. In hindsight, I shouldn't have played those little mind games. Of course, there is always a turn on when engaged in a good mind fucking but at the end of the day, we are all grown-ups here. We shouldn't play anymore, right? It is not something I should be proud about.

And now, I am surrounded by people, strangers and on the other side of the field, old friends and relatives. I am torn by the new and the old. This slight power struggle of digging deep into the psyches of these new people, learning more about them and checking out to see if they are all what I am making them out to be. And then, to further learn more about the people I already know. To see if the mark that I tried to make on them will stick, will become more than just a reminder that I was here. The new and the old. The exciting, thrilling mystery versus the comfort and security of the familiar.

If only there were two of me. No! What a frightening idea! I'd probably end up killing myself. No. There is no solution gained from such double existence. There is only the here and the now and what I must do.

Time. There is only so much. And to think it is only a man made thing.