The Flight of the Rocketman

When all things are said and done, how sad to know that you spent your whole life trying to please people and ended up so dissatisfied. What was it that my friend Morx told me just a while ago? I had said something about being at the losing end of the stick and he said, "no, we are the smarter ones. We can see it for the stupidity that it is. We are better off." But knowledge is power and with power comes responsibility. And I don't see why I have to be so responsible. I never really asked for it. Being responsible for myself is hard enough to do as it is. I have to be responsible for all the information that comes my way too? It just isn't fair.

I was ignored today by a good, good friend because while I thought he was asleep at the back of the car, I talked to my friend about him. I was just wondering out loud why he does some things that he does. It just confused me since I don't think the way that my friend does. Apparently he was not asleep and he was all so angry. He gave me the silent treatment the whole time. He had the gall to be mad at me. Despite that it was a little comment about how he does things, I didn't speak about it to a stranger; I didn't give him a hard time about it; I didn't impose my will on him and how I think he should run his life; Jesus Christ! I still do so much for him despite the fact that there are strange quirks to his personality that I will never understand or truly consent to. And I get this treatment?

God! I allow myself to get so stepped on sometimes that I can no longer tell if this is how I really should look or if the tread marks are ever going to leave my face... God Damn it! The things I've done for that guy are more than what parents are expected to do for their children! The things that he has asked of me that I did without complaint. And mind you, this is not the first time it happened. This has happened before. The resolution, I apologised for talking about him. And he forgave me. What a crock of shit!!! And the deal, if he has a problem with me, he should tell me about it immediately so it can be sorted out quickly. Well, here we go again. Another round on the Merry-go-Round.

What a way to end the New Year. Morx, the amazing person that he is, will not fight against the system when he knows that he can't beat it. He's intelligent that way. So he had apologised for the both of us and received the apology as well. But at the end of the day, I'm not quite sure I'm happy with the outcome.

I wonder, sometimes, if I am truly attracted to immature people. But then again, Morx is a good friend of mine and his mind is brilliant. His demeanor and behaviour is so cold and calculating. And he is one of my dearest friends. So it can't be all so dismal for me. Somehow, I should just tip the balance of scales to favour the ones who are better for me.

I want to learn how to say "no" because that's all I need to get stronger and to move on from all the inanity that I allow into my world. If I could only develop the same spine and backbone that I've grown in dealing with people owning me up to my bullshit. I could look someone straight in the eye, even if I was wrong and not flinch. My Mom taught me to be accountable for my actions and decisions. If I made a mistake, then I made it. I will live up to it. It has happened before, I made a mistake and I was forced to own up to it. I did. I looked the person straight in the eye and confessed to it. It was that person who looked away. He/she (can not remember) could not face up to my convictions. My accountability had become a force that could not be withstood. It was he/she who succumb to the overwhelming power of my stand. I did it. I may or may not be proud of it, but I did it thinking it was the best decision to make at the time. And I will say that, staring you straight in the eye and I will not flinch. I will not move.

And I find myself caught in a maelstrom of emotion as a possible love interest comes whistling by. And everyone is so excited for me but I am not. How can I be when I am in love with another? Can I submit this person to agony and pain like I have done to one other before, 6 years ago? I love another. I long for another. One who will not be mine. And am I to entice, encourage and accept these little signs of affection from this newcomer when I am so clearly in love with someone else. I have such a great propensity for dishing hurt and pain and suffering. It is something I do so easily and sometimes I don't even realise that I do it. I've built this great fort of emotional and intellectual superiority that I forget that people cannot get through, that people drown at the moat and are ravaged by the defenses that I have put up.

Or am I putting myself on too high a pedestal when on certain days, I put myself so deep down under the Earth, even the worms lose breath. I toss and turn while awake. Too much like water, I think, no clear form, no distinct shape. I change my mood, my thoughts, my emotions the moment my surroundings change. The temperature raises just a little bit and I boil and become vaporous. It get's a little colder and I become hard.

Why do I bother? I'm never constant. I'm never still.