The Flight of the Rocketman

I have made a sort of decision... I've sort of decided to go back to the world of the 9 to 5. Two of my new good friends have decided to get jobs while they sort out their lives and finish their school at the same time. They want to be independent and move out from their families. And yet, they still plan on saving up so that we can have some sort of exciting out of town trip. I was humbled by such courage, bravery, strength. I wanted my life of comfort and luxury. This whole "freelance, bohemian, artsy lifestyle" has been nothing more than a burden to my family, to myself. It has been for my convenience.

I spoke my cousin who is a doctor and she told me that a Medical Representative is actually not a 9 to 5 job. As long as you meet your quota and take out the doctors once in a while, you're fine. There is a lot of driving around and meeting up with people. You have to dress well and keep on smiling. Sometimes, there is sales talk as you try to convince doctors to try out the medicine or drug that you are representing. I said to myself, "okay, as long as the money is good."

I've decided to pay off all my debts. I cannot keep on living my life working hard looking for my next work. I should be working hard on whatever job I'm doing and just do it. I need a regular pay check. I need to help out my family. Anyway, I keep saying that I can write anytime. Anytime I want. So there should be no problems, right? I can still write and publish while doing this job that is 9 to 5 but not exactly...

Maybe I can do this for 2 to 3 years and take up my Masters at the same time and then eventually get my Masters and then do it for another year or so and then when my debts are all paid off and my bank account is stable and big, I can quit and go back to teaching. Then I can live the life I've always wanted.

I've let go of modeling, really. I'm too comfortable and I love my luxuries. I will never get the rock-hard abs and the defined body that I so desire. I'll never get the clear skin and never smile for pay. I've just been fooling myself. I'll still go to VTRs and stuff but it's over, really. I no longer have the drive to go for something that does not want me or that I cannot work hard for. After all, I should only ask for the things I can have.

I've also let go of acting. As much as I'd love to act and play difficult roles, I'm quite one-dimensional as an actor. I need experience to be a good actor and I'm not doing enough acting in the meantime to get there. To get to where I want to be. If I were in London or in the United States, I could probably do some community theatre and get better. I could get really good. But I don't want to leave my country just yet.

I should only ask for the things I can have. And right now, what I need is a life that will help my family. We are on hard times. The economy is not doing us any good. Our resources have almost completely depleted. I cannot just think of myself. I do not live alone. That is not my life style.

Maybe one day I can achieve just one of my dreams. Maybe I will survive just writing books and stories and poems and maybe songs... Maybe. But reality has sunk in. This is not the time for me. This is the time for making a steady, stable groundwork for a home, for a future. I keep trying to reach the heights but realise all the steps I'm taking are three or four steps in the air and they fall to the ground with my weight. I should build the steps below first. I think that is what I should do.

*sigh*

What are we doing here/ I've seen this place before/ And I want more. -- More, Tara MacLean