The Flight of the Rocketman

From today, I've decided I only want what I can have rather than ask for things that I cannot acquire or, as things may seem, were never meant to be mine. It's a motto I'm trying to make myself believe in; something that will help ground me and keep me sane. After all, despite reality's hard, cold slap I still believe that maybe, maybe those things could be mine.

Great party at my place. Met new people. All great. All wonderful and we all had a great feel, great vibe. Things passed around like electricity. Lots of new material for my poems and my essays and my fiction. And the one I want doesn't want me. In fact, the one I want wants somebody else. Someone close to me.

In moments like these, on one hand, pure bliss, joy, pleasure and on the other, jealousy and this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. But hey, you can't win `em all as they say. Not that I've really won in the relationship department. It was never my strong suit. On one particular senti moment, I said aloud (while my other friend was beside me) "Will I ever get together with anyone?" He just put it very simply: why do you have to? We're fine like this.

We're fine like this. I guess that this world has its parts made out for us and my part was always to play the trustworthy bestfriend. The sidekick. The constant companion. Hell, I do it well. I have so put other people before me. Put my personal needs and wants on the back end of the line going forward. I'm continually working to advance, develop and grow. But if someone I care about needs something, I drop everything for him/her. It's something I've been doing for the longest time now. I've gotten really good at it. And since I've got such a strong personality (I'd like to think), I am the most interesting side-kick in the world.

At least, above all, I'm just as interesting as the leads. I'm just as interesting as everybody else, in fact more interesting than the regular joe. I can be sure of that. Not many people can do the things I do. Not many people think the way I think. Not many people can immolate themselves in public like I do and enjoy every shred of it. I wear my scars openly because I'm not afraid of history. I may not learn from it, but it doesn't hurt me. It cannot hurt me. And not many people can say that. I can look back at all the things I did and I can say "yeah, I did that. I felt like I had to at the time."

In the end, I guess, it's all about passion... How much do you have and how much are you willing to use. I use every single bit of it in my life, on everything - big or small, bring it on! I can handle it. With more passion than any Supreme Being intended for use. It's all that I am. This burning passion within me is all I have left.

So yeah, I guess I'm fine with who I am. I am fine as I am. I'll start working on that. And until then, I'll just be asking for the things I can have.