The Flight of the Rocketman

I think there's something wrong with my baby because she ain't flying as fast as she used to. Probably put in some bad fuel or something. We're moving really slowly.

Found myself at a very awkward moment yesterday evening as I was taking my friend home from a completely uneventful night at Olive. Well, not completely uneventful because I got to see old friends earlier at Grilla. But whatever the case, the most enjoyable event at Olive (after Grilla) was eating two servings of squid balls and hanging out with my friends. Well, we had to have fun, we were the only ones there.

But there was this awkward moment from my friend and I as I was bringing her home. We began arguing about our current status regarding relationships. It seems we were on the same boat. She believed someone was going to come along and that all we have to do is wait. I made the claim that I was tired of waiting. I was just so tired. Everyone I seem to end up liking or having a major crush on has a major crush or likes other people (most notably my best friend). I seem to have the same visual quality of air: transparent. In the twenty-four years of my existence, I have yet to like someone who liked me back.

And I really can't stand this idea that the right person is going to come. I just have to wait; be patient. It just doesn't seem to be fair. That others can have their fill every year and I have to wait, be patient. One of the worst ways, I suppose, to tell people like me is the other favourite saying in moments like these: maybe you're just meeting the wrong people, maybe you're just hanging out at the wrong places. I like where I go, I like who I hang out with. And there are desirable people in the places that I hang out in. It's just that the desirable people where I like to hang out don't find me desirable. So I guess I just have to wait, be patient.

Will that be my new motto in life? Wait, be patient.

I remember a saying, "Love isn't really love it is only coming from one side." It makes me think about all the times before that I have been in love and I gave my whole being to these people. Wasn't that love even if these people never loved me back in equal amounts or even reciprocated these feelings? It didn't really matter to me, at the time, I gave because I don't believe that love should be held back. So many people in this world search for the spark, that moment and all of a sudden here's one person who has so much to give and doesn't give it because there is no promise of return. It just doesn't seem right.

Now, I'm a selfish person by nature. But I'm horribly generous to the people who are close to me. And I always thought what goes around, comes around. Twenty-four years is a long time for somethings to circle back. I've watched documentaries on Boomerangs and it takes only a matter of minutes before it swings through the air and come back. Well, I guess I just have to wait, be patient.

People say it is because I'm too picky. That one part of the package is not enough for me. It's gotta' be the whole damned thing. Completely desirable or nothing at all. Is that the way people should live? They got to have it all or nothing. I don't want to settle. Is that so bad? I want the whole superficiality of a good looking person plus the depths of inner being and intelligence. Wisdom from life experiences, actually, is more desirable than intelligence. I think I can fool myself into thinking I can be smart enough for the two of us. Anyway, I'm a very tolerant sort of person. I don't need to hang around intelligent people. As long as they are interesting and that they care about things. I can always fill up the spaces in-between. Whatever lacks, I've always been good at sealing open holes and cracks. I'm water or would like to be water.

But wanting the whole package, wanting a completely desirable being means a much longer waiting period, requires much patience. There are only enough of these kinds of people in the world and no one has promised me that they will come. And nobody has ever said that I deserved one.

So I'll just be here waiting, being patient. There's nothing else much I can do about it anyway, right?