"I think it's gonna be a long, long time, `till touchdown brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home... I'm a rocketman, burning out his fuel out here alone..." Rocketman by Elton John and Bernie Taupin.

Friday, August 27, 2004

In the Bible, only angels have wings
And the rest must wait to be saved
-- Amen, written and performed by Jewel

I find myself doing old tricks again. Have I hit a point where feelings take control of the rational part of my being? I have never been a disciplined person. I can just imagine the things I can do if I were more disciplined. My goodness, I would truly be unstoppable. But at this point, I am still a slave to my emotions. If someone could actually learn how to control what I feel, I would be under their spell. I would be their unwilling slave.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if we could remove our emotions. I know how horrible that would be. But I keep thinking what an efficient world this would be if we could put our emotions away and just work. And then, when we are no longer working, take it and put it back in the center of our being and just enjoy. Feel things strongly when we have nothing to lose.

I wish I could do that. Turn off my feelings. Just shut it off and go on and work like a machine and then, when the work is done, switch it on and then lose myself in the middle of a dance floor and watch the smile flood my face and envelope me completely. I would be just one large, giant dancing smile.

I could just imagine the joy, the absolute joy I would feel when I return the feelings into the center of my being and the happiness I would suddenly feel after a good day's work. The productivity would be immense. I would have so much to show for.

But that is if my job were technical. Unfortunately, I realised while writing this entry, that my work is all abstract. Most of what I do goes by feel. I have studied writers and their works, directors and their works. I have studied the good and the bad products of the imagination and have added it into my data banks of what is good and what is not. It comes out naturally when I work. Everything I do is by feel. I cannot afford to lose my emotions, even if I work. I need it. It helps me do my work well...

So I guess I'm fucked. I'm stuck with my emotions... Damn!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

The only thing that makes Reality different is that there's no background music. -- texted to me by my good friend (with a disclaimer: overheard from a friend)

Sometimes you can find yourself balancing on the edge of a knife. You don't know where you will fall, to which side. Sometimes, all you want is to go through and be cut in half. Have one side fall on the right and the other side fall on the left. Sometimes you wish you could be two people at once and have all the different kinds of qualities so you can be who you have to be with people.

But since that cannot be the case all the time; I've decided to be the most of what I am. To be true to myself and be that way with everyone I meet. Who I am at full force, no hold's barred, in-your-face and all the way at a hundred percent. That's how I am. That's what I am. To feel me filtered in by sensitivity, would only be getting half of the experience.

I was talking to someone and I had said, "I am an experience." It is a rather arrogant thing to say, but it is true, I'd like to believe. I am passionate. I take everything seriously. Even joking around, I take that seriously. I am always burning at full intensity. I don't move, I fly. I am animated when I talk and when I dream. I act things out. I sing really loudly even if I know I don't have a good voice. I say my opinions and I stand by them unless I lose the argument, unless you can convince me that I am wrong. And then I will admit it.

In this way, I am a force of nature. I am, as I was called, an "irresistable force." I am an experience. Communicating with me, dealing with me, being around me is something that must be experienced. I am unlike anything you've ever seen before. I am like no one else in this world.

I am an experience. I am almost an abstract thought. But I am definitely something to be reckoned with... Unless you feel prepared, strong, tough, ready... I don't suggest you stand before me. You will only reel from my presence.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Be firm with me baby
If you want me there
You've got to be
You've got to be firm...
-- Be Firm, Max Sharam

Last night, I knew I had an early day. I knew I had to wake up at 6 am, so by midnight, I was all tucked in bed, had my last cigarette, beautiful music playing and the lights off. Drifted to sleep and woke up 20 minutes later, fully rested and unable to return to slumber.

From 1 o'clock in the morning until 6 am, I was trying to get back to sleep. I ended up writing a song, writing in my journal, texting everybody asking if they were still awake, if they could talk to me; just blab and blab until I get drowsy. Nobody was awake. Nobody could humour me. I was depressed, frustrated and even angry!

My good friend Kate was too tired and we were texting each other then she fell asleep on me. But this is some part of our texts to each other:

Kate: so why is it so easy to fall apart, fall over, fall head over heels but so hard to fall asleep?

Me: Because we need to sleep. The things we need are difficult to get. Falling apart, falling over and all the rest are things we do not need. So it happens all the time...

I went straight to work without sleep and the whole time, I was acting like an idiot because I had to be perky otherwise I was going to drop down and just start snoring. I stole a few "z"s on the ride to the shoot which was outside of Manila. So that was cool. But it wasn't enough...

I'm still sleepy. I want to go home and sleep.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

She fought against everyone who believed in living correctly instead of living well. -- "On Juia Child by Joel Stein

And apparently I cannot get a new phone because of complications regarding my subscription and my plan. All the good phones are not available and I don't want to get stuck with a non-nokia brand. I want to return to the fold of where the plenty lie. At least that way, many of my applications, the charger and other stuff regarding phones will be compatible to many people. Switching to Motorola might be more complicated for me in the long run.

And anyway, I find the keypad too small.

Honestly, there isn't much to write here. Self-realisations have sort of reached a plateau and I'm just at a point where I'm going through the motions. I suppose the first step up the staircase to anywhere is exciting. But the third, fourth and fifth step are sort of routinary and while, yes, you are taking more and more steps up the staircase; it really does nothing. It is just another couple of steps. I suppose it is when you hit the landing turn around and face the next set of steps and the desired destination that truly thrills us again.

I am not at that point just yet.

But I trudge on and fight. I continue to climb and refuse to go back down for anyone. I move on.

There is nothing really more to say.


Monday, August 23, 2004

Our imagination isn't our escape from reality; imagination makes self-examination easier to bear. -- paraphrased from Six Degrees of Separation

I spent another 3 years in my friend's house. A beautiful Sunday passed us by as we stayed in and cooked for ourselves and talked and watched movies in all our waking moments. It was bliss, actually. My body felt rested and my mind and spirit felt alive and free. No pretensions, no stress, no drama, nothing of the sort. It was just comfortable and familiar. It was like being with family.

It was bliss.

I watched Six Degrees of Separation again and was absolutely driven mad with intellectual stimulation. What a powerful movie! I am so glad I got to see it again. I watched it before when I was 13 or 14 and I knew I was watching something powerful, gripping, intense but it all passed me by. I did not have the capacity nor life experience to truly grasp the meaning of the story and the beautiful dialogue.

Then I got to see it now, again, a decade and few later. Now that I have gone a little bit through life and dealt with people and made decisions for myself, I realised now what the play/movie really gets at. I felt every word pulsate through my body. Every gesture, every nuance, every intonation and accent had so much meaning for me. I am once again inspired, no, driven to make something of myself and to make something lasting, something of relevance and significance.

I was moved. Again. The movie almost stands as a sort of justification for why I do the things I do. I don't ever want to feel disconnected. I want to know people and be a part of their lives. I want to feel that intrusion and the thrill, the fear and the wonder that comes with it. And I want the flipside. I want people to know me and want to be a part of my life as well.

Another movie I saw, which I also truly love, About a Boy has once again touched me and sent me to tears. I have always been a sucker for movies about coming into yourself, realizing your worth and growth, personal growth. What a beautiful movie and Hugh Grant was absolutely fantastic in that movie. No man is an island, they said and it was quickly refuted with Hugh Grant's Will saying everyman is an island and then we come to learn that we build connections to these other islands - by bridges or by making travel routes. We can live on our own but it is always better to share it with others.

I grew so much during that Sunday, watching movies I haven't seen in a long while and seeing them in a new light, gleaning new messages, processing them with my new experiences.

Louisa Kitridge, from Six Degrees of Separation touched the hand of God. It was truly a beautiful Sunday...

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Is it daylight?
I hardly ever notice.
I hardly feel the sun.
I barely feel anyone...
-- Daylight, written and performed by Chicane

I have ascended. I have always believed I was one of the modern, everday gods. And like many of my kind, I have walked among the people and lost myself. I have stayed too long with these humans. I have become one of them. I have forgotten my divinity. I have been too kind. I have been too... merciful. No more. It all ends here. I have walked upon the rays of the sun and called upon the storm. I have frozen people's hearts with my breath and brought them back to life with my laughter. I can pierce through the veil and I can shatter walls with but a touch. I am the dancer, the passionate one, and the sheep and the fish. I am a modern, everyday god. Let all know my divinity.

Modern, Everyday Gods was supposed to be the title of my first novel. It is based on many personal experiences after graduation. It was when I realised the other world, that world of the hip, the fashionable, the trendy. It is the world of excess. It is a world of enjoyment. It is a careless world and one that fascinates me completely. Coming from the "artist" life, wearing tie-dyed pants and over-sized shirts; coming from not caring what people think of how I looked, bearing more weight on what came out of my mouth and the sentiments I hold dear to my heart, I was attracted like the tide to the shore the world of cosmopolitans, trance music and small talk. I was absorbed into the world of models, fashion shows, rave parties and posture.

But I could not change who I was. I could fit into this society, move within it but not separate myself from this world. Time and time again, I was shattered. I could easily pick myself up again and put myself back together. It is the resilience of one such as me. I don't chance putting myself on the line all the time if I didn't think I had the capacity to regenerate after every breaking.

But two or three days ago, I find myself in the company of old friends, people I have not seen or heard from in a long while. They asked how I was. I told them I was great. "I'm directing now. Projects are coming in one by one. Yes, that's me in the Greenwhich commercial. Funny, huh? Yeah, I'm still writing. I am so busy these days with all the work coming through. I'm making it own on my own. I live alone and have not asked for a single cent from my parents since moving out. I'm doing great. I'm doing really great, actually."

Funny how I look at myself in the mirror and find myself proud of what I see. I've made myself into what I am. These wonderful opportunities have come to me because these are people I've connected myself to. I present myself as someone with something to offer. I did not get these opportunities because of my father. Things did not land on my lap like grace from God. No. These things I worked for, I earned. I put myself out there. I worked and I worked until people knew who I was, knew what I have to offer.

And people I don't even know and haven't even spoken to me have called me "intriguing," "amusing," "articulate," "literate," "insightful," and the most complimentary, "an irresistable force."

I look at myself and wonder why some people don't seem to see that. Why have I been short changing myself and waiting for people to come around? Why have I been waiting for the spearmint and the spaceman to realise that I was worth it? I know I am worth it. I have always been. That I have given them myself for free and so easily is a treasured gift not to have been taken lightly. Yet they did.

I will admit, I have my flaws. But the whole is so much greater than its parts, in my case, so I believe. And if they cannot see that then why do I waste my time? Why have I been asking the most foolish of questions? "Am I not worth it?" "What is wrong with me?" "What am I not doing right?"

I have known the answers all along. Working so hard and making something of myself and never quitting and always moving forward; I have truly made myself something of some value, of some worth.

How could I have ever thought to find myself, to validate myself in the affections of these people who don't even know what they want? If anything, I have always been sure. My declarations have been sincere and with much force and conviction. I have always been true to myself and my feelings.

They can dilly-dally all they want but the promo period is over. If they want me, they have to get me at full price. They better fight, steal and beg because I have come into myself. I have become self-assured. I know my worth now and I will not lower it to accommodate the insecurities of others. I will waste no more time on these humans. I find the company of modern, everyday gods like me of more substance.

No longer will I be denied. No longer will my time be wasted. I know myself now. I know what I am worth. Better than they will ever know. I'm through with the waiting game. Good things come to those who wait, they say.

You know what I say? Good things comes to those who work for it.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Love is a powerful thing. It will put this world on its knees. -- paraphrased from The Village (written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan)

I've discovered one of the secrets of the universe. Ssshh... But let me tell you. It's ice cream. The road to happiness is made of ice cream. There is no other way to achieve happiness except through ice cream.

Rocky Road or Double Dutch. Vanilla, strawberry or chocolate marble. It doesn't matter. Take one bite, and that's it. You are in bliss.

You may think you are happy now but unless you are eating ice cream at the same time, then you are not happy. It is illusion. It is merely a trick of the mind. You can only be happy if you are eating ice cream.

My favourite? Banana Split. Forget the cherry, give me two bananas and three scoops of ice cream - vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. I'll be the happiest person alive.

Guess what? I am a director now. Finished 7 episodes of the television show Fearless and now I'm directing AVPs. I've never been more confident, more sure of myself, considering the fact that I'm at the bottom of the food chain. I'm a new, young director without any training or academic knowledge. All this is, is years of watching real directors work, studying them, asking questions and figuring out the whys and hows of what it is they do. It is being completely surrounded by creative people and always trying to figure out how it is they do the things they do. It is trying to see the world through their eyes.

And I was at the right place at the right time. Everything fell into place and now, I am here.

Full of ideas, ready to explode.

Am I happy? I'm eating ice cream right now...

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Disclaimers:

Just because I love with all my being doesn't mean that my love is good. It just means that it is overwhelming and encompassing. I have to find someone who is willing to go under, someone who is willing to take it all in, and then give back.

Listen to music. You will discover that someone out there knows exactly how you are feeling. You are not alone.

Tragedy is beautiful. Sadness and pain is beautiful. But it is only beautiful once the moment has passed and you realise what it is you are feeling, then begin to move on; rebuild the hope and faith that things will get better. But if you remain in the moment, if you hold on to the pain and the sadness, that is just pathetic. Then it is truly sadness without beauty. What is beautiful is the picking up of the pieces after what is lost tears you apart; the strength to move on and to continue to believe. What is beautiful is how it has changed you.

I think tragedy is beautiful because it is a measure on how much we valued something that was lost. Isn't the fact that we gave something so much value a wonderful thing?

We are the heroes of our lives. We should be the most important person in our lives. But since that applies to everyone, we should be willing to give space for the others to act out their adventures. As we are protagonists in our own lives, we are merely supporting cast in theirs. Learn the balance and you will find harmony and understanding.

There is nothing more powerful than acceptance. Acceptance is freedom.

You are responsible and accountable for all of your own actions. There is no one else to be blamed for what happens in your life. Own up to it. Be accountable.

Everything beautiful and ugly in life and in being human can be found in art. Always spend a bit of your life with art - be it watching movies, reading books, listening to music or observing paintings and photographs.

Never make promises. There has never been a promise I have been able to keep. Since everything changes, so are the conditions to which somethings can no longer hold on to. State your intentions and keep them for as long as you can. That is better than a promise, it raises no expectations and it is more honest.

From An Empire of Women (by Karen Shepard): Love is not a feeling. Love is seeing.

Taken from a forwarded e-mail: just because somebody doesn't love you as much as you do, doesn't mean they didn't love you with all their heart. If it is something I learned, some people can only manage so much. Never compare. Accept and be grateful. If that is all they can give, be glad they gave so much.

Everybody deserves the same amount of love. Whether you are a beggar in the street or the president of the most powerful nation of the world; a criminal or a priest, we all deserve love. We were all created equal.

Love has the power and the capacity to change people. I have seen it. I embrace it.

From Marianne Moore's poem What Are Years: "...satisfaction is a lowly thing, how pure a thing is joy." Is that not so?

Happiness is a conscious state of mind. It is the act of being thankful for all that you have and all that can be. It is an act of gratitude.

Happiness is accepting the fact that you did the best that you could and that there are somethings you cannot change. It is accepting the fact that you met with resistance and that you did the best that you could and that you were able to change things. Since happiness is acceptance, happiness is also freedom.

Never stop learning. Never think that you will stop learning. Always be ready to learn. Since people change and everything changes, we must be ready to discover the new ways in which we see the world and ourselves.

Travel when the opportunity arises. Take it. There is no better way to learn more about yourself when you are somewhere unfamiliar. You will discover things about yourself you have never thought possible. In traveling, you will realise your own resilience.

From Kurt Vonnegut: do one thing, everyday, that scares you.

Everything ends. Just be sure that you were able to make the most of it when you had it. No regrets.

*** Just because I believe in these things, doesn't mean they are easy for me to do. I am constantly trying to apply these to my way of life everyday. I strive to be a better person to myself and to others. One day, I'll be able to say that this is how I live my life. But right now, I'm still trying. It isn't easy but aren't the things most worth it, the most difficult thing to do? Now, this is the true disclaimer.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Just close your eyes and you'll see
And where ever you go I will be
-- All In My Head, written and performed by Kosheen

And what would happen if you discovered that your love could actually kill? That the intensity in which you live your life could inspire fear? That being totally honest and true to yourself was actually being unfair to others?

And what would you do if you discovered that you could've been loved in return because you were everything that the other was asking for; it's just that you aren't what the other wanted? To discover that only what you offered was ideal, not you?

How are you supposed to feel when someone likes you back but does not feel worthy to be with you?

If you have an answer to these, let me know... Sometimes I wonder if I handled the situation correctly? I'd like to think that everybody did the best that they could in the given moment. Considering time, distance, pressure, need and wants; we can only act and react based on what experience and base knowledge we have to guide us to the best decision. Sometimes we are flustered and lose our way. We make mistakes. In that instance, our natural instinct is to get the most of what we can in that given situation. Is it human instinct that makes us selfish during crunch time?

What a frightening thought.

But it is my best defense for the things that I have done in the past week. I could've been smarter. I could've been kinder. I could've been more appreciative, more open, wiser. But I was not.

But I tried to make things right. I've discovered what I had done wrong. I admitted it. I tried to fix things. I feel like it was too late. I had crushed the other. I'd never know if I could ever make things right.

But I promised to be happy. I did the best I could at the time. That's all I can say.

The intensity with which a subject is grasped is what makes for beauty in art. -- An Empire of Women, Karen Shepard

There is nothing more profound, more beautiful, more gratifying than connection. I find it cinematic, four friends facing each other, seated in a circle and telling their innermost thoughts, their innermost feelings. And to do so, histories must be revealed. Truths are uncovered. In every truth uncovered, in every word spoken aloud that rang true with what is known and felt and experienced, gasps were heard, eyes opened wide. Clarity can hit you hard, much like a bullet.

Lying about and enjoying the rhythm of speech, the empathy and the revelations of human possibilities; I realized why it is that I so desperately want to write. Connection. A powerful thing in this world where so many people feel alone. And you can reach out and let people know: yes, I understand you. I did not go through exactly what you went through but I went through something similar. You are not alone.

I found it in the most spontaneous of moments, unplanned.

I thank you, the three of you, for showing me things I've never seen, of showing me truth and for bringing me clarity. I thank you for helping me see myself and the mistakes that I've made and the demands I've put on others. Thank you. I've never grown so fast in nine hours. I may not have made things better but I tried to make things right. And you were still there, after everything; appreciating the attempt for what it was and taking it for what it is.

It was sincere.

How would I ever be able to find myself in that moment again?

But as we have spoken in those nine hours; there shall be no regrets and we shall be accountable for all ours actions. And I love you three, now, more than ever. And I promise to try and be happy.

I promise, though we said we would never make promises again.

Final word: watch A Japanese Love Story with the mesmerizing Toni Collete. I cried and I cried and my heart ached and pounded with the pain and the sheer beauty of the story.

As my good friend always says: love unconditionally and cherish that moment. It may be all you have and all that you get. He loves the tragic and we can never discount the beauty of pain, of sadness and loss.

After all, isn't it beautiful to have valued something so much that the mere thought of its removal from your reach is more than you can bare?

Thursday, August 05, 2004

And there's never ever gonna be enough money
And there's never ever gonna be enough drugs
And there's never ever gonna be enough bullets
And there's never ever gonna be enough sex
And I'm never ever gonna get old...
-- Never Get Old, words and music by David Bowie

And after every step, after every paycheck and after every breath that we take, somewhere in the universe, a star dies; super nova and then nothingness. Maybe it becomes a blackhole and slowly starts to try to bring everything within it. And we walk everyday, unknowing that we are being pulled somewhere. We are slowly gravitating towards nothingness. But how can we care when we feel so much at any given moment?

Let us all raise our glasses for a toast:

To all the things we have lost, and all the things we have gained, in between what we do in the moonlight and right before the sun rise, to everything that we love and to all the people who love us, as every second pass and more align in front of us to get by, to the hurdles and the potholes, to the rain and the puddles they make; for every tear and every breath brought out by a laugh... let us remember and celebrate that we are human and that there is nothing else but to be thankful for it.

We can wait forever and never know it hits us and then it hits us and we walk around bruised but unknowing. I don't want to be the one who lets the good things go; so I won't let go no matter how much it hurts.

If love flies past your eyes blindfolded,
Know when to run and when to catch and hold it...
-- Blindfolded, written by Merril Bainbridge and Owen Bolwell

To The Spaceman: Your glass eyes fooled me but I don't care because I like it when you hold me and when we just keep quiet, comfortable in our own company. I like it when you put your head close to me and take a whiff of me and tell me I smell good. I like it when I can make you smile and that when things get too serious, I make a joke and you get mad, but laugh and laugh right after. I like it that I can tell you how I feel about you and you don't brush it aside, you take it in, plan your next moves, figure out if this is real, if this is true and right and proper.

I might get hurt again and then people will say "you fool, you should have seen it coming." Or "Wanggo, geez, haven't you learned your lesson yet?" But I play to win the big stakes and you can't play unless you are willing to lose something of equal measure. At the end of the day, we all know that it is worth it if you actually get what you want. And for once, I believe I'm going after what I need and not just what I want (because there is so much difference there).

I'm a fool and I'll be the first to admit it. But right now, I'm a happy fool and I'd rather be a happy fool who knows what is happening in my lot than a sad, depressed wise man who doesn't know a thing about getting out of their situation.

The wiseman who never gambles ends up living alone in a shack on some secluded mountain top approached only by the young who seek to learn. That is the only way they know company and the joy of being with others.

Oh boy! There is no way that that is going to be me...

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life

Let me show you what I am made of
-- In This Life, written and performed by Chantal Kreviazuk

July 31 was another blue moon, something magickal that happens only once every 2 years or so... So I received tons of text messages telling me to do something impulsive, something crazy, something hopeful and maybe, there is a huge chance of success; of the result that you are hoping for.

I don't consider myself at all an impulsive person. My mood swings are such that I stay pretty much rigid most of the time. But everything seemed right this time. I looked up at the moon and found its hazy, yellow light comforting. It was inviting. It was truly inspiring.

So I did something I thought was, at best, reckless and aggressive. It was a definite shot in the dark and now I find myself in completely unknown territory. Love has a strange habit of just popping out of nowhere and I am stuck in the middle of something and I don't mind that I am here and I am learning a great deal and for once, it isn't hard to put a smile on my face.

All the waiting and I find myself closer to my goal then I have ever been... Happiness is right at the corner and knowing this makes me giddy, thrilled and excited. How strange, actually, to be so close and not to celebrate but just exist in the throes of the feeling... It's almost as if I want to announce it to the rest of the world... But I don't think they'll really care...

So I keep the secret within me and let it change me slowly, surely... for the better or worse. Afterall, happiness is just like any other drug... Addicting and sweet and it has a price.

But it is a price we are all willing to pay, right?

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